Heartless
by Lady Silvamord
Summary: Sasuke finally comes into contact with his long dormant hormones, but before he can do anything about it, his scary older brother has to find a love interest first. Easier said than done, which is why Sasuke's taking things into his own hands. ItaSaku AU.
1. In Which Sasuke Plays Matchmaker

_Heartless_

_-_

_In which Sasuke finally comes into contact with his long-dormant hormones. But before he can do anything about it, his scary older brother has to find a love interest first. Easier said than done… which is why Sasuke's taking things into his own hands. ItaSaku non-massacre AU, in which everything is all well and good (mostly), and the Uchiha Clan and Team Seven are all still very much intact and as lovingly dysfunctional as always. _

-

_Prologue: In Which Sasuke Plays Matchmaker_

-

"You want to _what_?"

Sasuke frowns, both at his father's incredulous tone, and at the fact that his mother appears to have stuffed her right fist in her mouth to prevent herself from squealing with joy. Meanwhile, Itachi, dressed in his ANBU uniform, merely smirks and continues sipping his orange juice, like he hadn't very discreetly choked on it not a few moments earlier.

Sasuke scowls a little, and repeats his statement.

His mother, thankfully, sets the hot mug of coffee down in front of his father, before hugging her younger son around the shoulders affectionately. "You don't have to mumble it like that, Sasuke; I think it's wonderful that you finally want to start dating!"

Itachi's smirk only grows more pronounced from behind the pitcher of orange juice, and a very slight glint of amusement is visible in even Fugaku's eyes, over his copy of this morning's newspaper. "Mother," Sasuke croaks, feeling himself grow redder and redder upon the scrutiny of his father and elder brother, "I did not say that."

"You mumbled with an incoherence and lack of enunciation that is quite unacceptable for members of this clan," Fugaku clarifies. "None of us are quite sure what it was that you said, but it seems like your mother got the gist of it rather well."

Mikoto only smiles cheerfully, patting Sasuke on the head as she picks up some of her medical scrolls from the table. "I think the little café near the hospital would be a lovely place to take dear Sakura-chan out to dinner tonight, Sasuke…"

Upon registering this statement, Sasuke blinks, fidgeting with the collar of his dark green jounin vest. "Mother. I'm not taking anyone out tonight. I said I might want to in the future…" – _like three weeks from now, when this certain someone gets back from her mission – _"but not…now."

"Oh," Mikoto deflates somewhat, visibly disappointed, while Itachi continues to passively observe the interactions between his family members, as usual.

Fugaku sniffs, setting his newspaper down in order to look over at his eldest son. "It's all very well; personally, I think it is rather unseemly that Sasuke should begin…courtship…before Itachi."

Now, it's Sasuke's turn to smirk, as Itachi sets his glass of orange juice down, startled into participation. "Father, you know that I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in such trivial and meaningless endeavors," he deadpans.

Sasuke considers mentioning that Itachi has no interest in anything besides being the perfect ANBU Captain – and perhaps finding a way to uproot that giant stick from his ass – but then decides that it is too early in the morning for a sudden death match between himself and his elder brother, anyway which is what articulation of the aforementioned statement would certainly result in.

"You're twenty-four; almost twenty-five," Fugaku counters. "Your mother and I were married by then, and you have yet to look twice at any eligible kunoichi from the village."

The tension at the table elevates a notch, and Sasuke channels his inner Naruto (a frightening thought indeed), by leaning back in his chair and sneering slightly at his brother's expense. "Yes, well, Father," Sasuke drawls, consequences be damned. "I think we all know that my aniki is rather…special."

Itachi's eyes narrow slightly, and a spiderweb crack appears in his empty glass. "Don't say such foolish things, little brother."

"Calm down," Mikoto chides, preempting Sasuke's retort. "Itachi just needs to find somebody exceptionally, ah," – she pauses diplomatically, searching for the right terms – "intelligent, dedicated, beautiful, capable, strong, and talented."

Sasuke tries to mask his laughter by faking the act of choking on his waffle.

"Hn," Itachi mumbles, sounding completely unconvinced.

"Well, Itachi, let the romantic aspirations of your younger brother provide you incentive to follow in his footsteps," Fugaku declares, before rising from the table and kissing his wife on the cheek gratefully. "After all, Sasuke will not begin courting his intended kunoichi until you have found yours."

This time, Sasuke doesn't fake choking on his waffle. Mikoto rushes to his side, rubbing his back in a concerned fashion, while Itachi just raises an eyebrow a fraction of an inch, completely unaffected by his father's proclamation. "Interesting," he muses, watching his father slip out the door. "I presume that this means I hold the key to your happiness in my hands, Sasuke."

There is a pregnant pause, in which the three Uchiha remaining digest this potent fact.

Obviously, Itachi has no intention of finding a kunoichi to 'court.'

And until Itachi _does_ find a girlfriend, which will clearly only happen when hell freezes over, neither can…

Sasuke's eyes widen slightly as he realizes what this means for him.

"Oh shi—"

Mikoto slaps her son on the back of the hand lightly. "Sasuke!"

Itachi smirks; now that his brother has effectively been reduced to the deepest pits of misery, his day has officially gotten off to a properly efficient start. "Well, then," he drawls, rinsing off his glass in the kitchen sink, before kissing his mother on the cheek. "I have to be at the office early – thank you for breakfast, Mother." He nods to his slightly openmouthed and still aghast younger brother, still smirking. "Have a…pleasant day, Sasuke."

Sasuke mumbles something under his breath that may possibly have been _die, bitch, die. _

After Itachi is safely out of the kitchen and out of sight, Sasuke gives a long and despairing sigh. Mikoto winces, gently brushing a long lock of hair out of his eyes. "You know that your father only wants what's best for you _and_ Itachi – he wants to see both of you happy, not just one. Besides, this might be the push your brother needs."

Due to his mother's sweet, optimistic, and loving nature, Sasuke refrains from mentioning that Itachi just frankly does not give a damn, and is hardly any more likely to find a girlfriend _now_ than he would have been a week ago. As a matter of fact, he wouldn't put it past his brother to actually continue his celibate and solitary lifestyle for another few months or years or _forever_, just in order to spite him. He sighs again, in his most world-weary fashion, before kissing his mother on the cheek that Itachi hadn't contaminated with his evil sadisticness. "I'm going to find Naruto and Sakura – the mission doesn't start until around noon, but Sakura and I don't trust Naruto alone for that long."

Once alone, Sasuke shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks out of the Uchiha compound, the image of contemplative brooding, as he thinks dark thoughts.

_Damn_ Itachi. Stupid Itachi. He hates the bastard, he really does.

Now, what exactly is he going to do about it? Offing Itachi would be the obvious choice, but he doesn't really want to step in as heir to the clan, so there must be another way.

The solution, Sasuke muses, after a few more moments of thought, is really quite obvious. As Itachi has no inclination toward finding a girlfriend, he's going to have to take matters into his own hands. Which, in this case, means…

Setting some poor, innocent and completely-undeserving-of-their-cruel-fate kunoichi up with his scary older brother.

Easier said than done, of course, and Sasuke shudders almost imperceptibly at the very thought, but it must be done.

But…who?

The beginnings of a plan begin to form in his head, and Sasuke looks up at the sky quickly; judging from the position of the sun, it's roughly eight thirty in the morning. He has until noon, and one thing is for sure – the next three and a half hours are sure to be a few of the most difficult hours of his life.

-

_Project: Find Demon Spawn A Girlfriend_

_Target One: Inuzuka Hana. _

As he strides down the streets of Konoha, Sasuke has managed to calm himself somewhat. Hell, his brother isn't _ugly, _he supposes, with a slight twitch of revulsion. He consoles himself with the idea that it is a matter of Uchiha clan pride; there hasn't been a single female born to the clan since their mother was a child, but all the males (at least, according to the kunoichi in their acquaintance), with their dark hair and eyes, proud, tall bearing, and handsome, aristocratic features, are widely considered to be almost unnaturally good looking.

On top of that, Hana _had_ been one of his brother's genin teammates, along with Aburame Tessai, Shino's older brother. If there are two other people in the world able to kind-of-maybe-sort-of understand the enigma that is Uchiha Itachi, Tessai and Hana would have to be the two in question. However, judging by his gender, Tessai is quite ineligible…but even Sasuke is able to admit that Inuzuka Hana, despite being a _veterinarian,_ of all things, is a capable and attractive kunoichi. And even though she is part of the somewhat redoubtable Inuzuka Clan, she is thankfully a great deal more polite and well-mannered than her younger brother, which makes her a highly viable choice.

Due to sheer chance, Sasuke almost runs into the logical choice in question as she is leaving a medical supplies store, one arm covered in bags of medicine for the Inuzuka dogs, and the other arm covered in toys for them. Sasuke, being the young gentleman that he is, promptly offers to take all of her bags of medicine and walk her to the clan's kennels, an offer to which Hana responds gladly.

"I've hardly ever seen you around since you've made jounin, Sasuke-kun," Hana sighs, patting his cheek affectionately, with her free hand. Sasuke pulls a face, but due to Tessai and Hana always training on the Uchiha compound's private grounds with his brother as a genin team, he has known her since he was very young, so privately, he doesn't mind quite as much as he pretends to.

"I've been busy," he replies evenly. "I suppose Kiba told you that he, Sakura, and I went on that three-week infiltration assignment to Rain a month ago?"

Hana laughs at the memory. "Yeah – I still can't believe that you had an allergic reaction to Akamaru's wet fur. Although," – she elbows him playfully – "it looks like the swelling and hives have cleared up rather well."

Sasuke flushes a little. "Yes. Very well indeed."

Hana sighs, basking in the cool winter sunlight. "It's good to hear. Anyway, Sasuke-kun, I know you always meet Sakura-chan and Naruto-kun out by Ichiraku or the hospital – both of which are on the other side of town. What brings you to my neck of the proverbial woods?"

Sasuke hesitates for a moment, before deciding that being up front would be the best possible course of action. "Hana…how would you feel about, ah, _dating_ my…" – _psycho elder brother_ – "Itachi?"

Inuzuka Hana stops dead, her clear brown eyes widening alarmingly as she stares at him, obviously convinced that she had misheard. Sasuke blinks, considering whether to repeat himself, but then, inexplicably enough, Hana starts to laugh. It's not a mocking kind of you're-so-crazy laughter, but genuine, contagious laughter, and if Sasuke weren't so puzzled at the older kunoichi's inexplicable fit of merriment, he would be feeling the urge to smile himself.

In the end, Hana ends up sitting down on the nearest bench, still giggling somewhat as she sets the bags of dog toys down with her. Feeling somewhat perplexed, Sasuke follows. _Women_. "…Hana?"

Hana wipes at the corner of her eyes. "Sorry, Sasuke-kun. It's just that," – she smiles at him, pulling the long sleeve that half-conceals her left hand up, and Sasuke blinks as he sees the lovely silver-and-topaz engagement ring that adorns her ring finger – "This means you're the first to know."

Sasuke gapes momentarily, and then remembers his manners and congratulates her. He helps her to her feet, and they continue on their way to the kennels. "Tessai?" he guesses.

Hana nods, smiling slightly. "It was _really_ early this morning – during sunrise – as we were just relieved from sentry duty."

They are at the gates to the kennel, now, and Hana thanks him as she takes all of the remaining bags, before making him promise to come over for tea sometime. Sasuke congratulates her again as he leaves – it is a wholehearted sentiment, even though the one woman whom he thought would be his surefire option for _Project: Find Demon Spawn A Girlfriend_ has now been rendered completely ineligible.

However, this only means that the entire project will be more of a challenge…and he happens to excel at challenges. Still, Sasuke frowns slightly as he racks his brain for a kunoichi who would fit the high standards expected by the Uchiha Clan…

-

_Project: Find Demon Spawn A Girlfriend (At Any And All Costs)_

_Target Two: Hyuuga Hinata_

As Sasuke easily swings himself over the ornate gates that shield the secluded, forest-bordered Hyuuga compound from the main grounds of Konoha, he wonders (again), if this is the proper plan of action. At first glance, Hinata would be the perfect candidate to court an Uchiha – the Hyuuga and Uchiha are distantly related, and both of them are equally proud and noble clans. Hinata is the heir to her clan, and Itachi to his. In some aristocratic way, it therefore makes sense, and there _have_ been Hyuuga and Uchiha intermarriages before, even though they are quite rare.

Sasuke slips through the forest, his dark green turtleneck and jounin vest blending into the cover offered by the trees, in search of the private training grounds often frequented by the Main Family. Hinata is an accomplished jounin and kunoichi as well, even though her mastery of her bloodline limit doesn't come close to her elder cousin's. The only thing that could prove to be a problem is her…timidity. Sasuke scowls slightly at the very thought; he cannot recall if Itachi and Hinata have ever met at a family gathering, but he has the marked feeling that his brother's scariness and the aura of general icy inapproachability that emanates from him would probably make Hinata faint on sight.

On the other hand, he thinks of that often-touted principle of romantic chemistry – _opposites attract._ In theory, if anybody could melt away the evilness of his Demon Spawn of an elder brother, it would be sweet, innocent, gentle Hinata.

Sasuke twitches slightly at the very thought. Never in his wildest dreams had it ever occurred to him that he would _ever_ be going around matchmaking for Itachi, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

He hears the echo of soft voices drifting through the trees, and Sasuke stiffens, flinging himself behind a large oak tree. From this angle, he can just make out Hinata, going through the patterns for the Kaiten. Her movements are swift and graceful, and the fluttering of her long blue hair is the only way he can separate her from her surroundings; she wears the same dark green turtleneck and vest that he does.

Sasuke hates to interrupt her at training, he really does, but this is urgent, and he doesn't know when else he can get her alone. Testing his stealth, he creeps through the forest bordering the training grounds until they are only a few meters apart, and then Sasuke waits for her to come to a stop. Seizing the moment, he strolls out of the forest casually, as if it is a common occurrence for him to take little strolls through the restricted grounds of the Hyuuga forest. Her back is to him as she stretches, preparing for her next form, and Sasuke clears his throat softly.

Upon hearing the unexpected sound, Hinata swivels around, and promptly turns all kinds of red upon being intruded upon. If it had been Neji or Hanabi, Sasuke probably would have been lying in a twitching, jelly-like mass on the ground by now, but Hinata is too courteous for that. "H-hello, Sasuke-kun," she stammers, trying to look less confused than she is. "I-It's nice of you to drop by…" she gestures to the deserted tray of tea nearby. "D-did you want something to drink?"

Sasuke almost sighs at Hinata's sheer _niceness._ Over the years, he has come to know her quite well, through family gatherings and the occasional mission, but he will never understand how anybody could be quite so…sweet. It's a little refreshing, really. "Maybe later, Hinata," he says levelly. "I was just wondering if I could ask you – a question, of sorts."

Hinata has a naturally helpful nature, and she brightens slightly. "O-of course!"

_Here goes nothing, Uchiha._ "…Would you be interested in dating my…" – _evil incarnate_ – "elder brother, Itachi?"

Hinata blinks.

Sasuke doesn't blame her.

Then Hinata wobbles dangerously.

Sensing trouble, Sasuke lunges forward – causing the innocent heiress to the Hyuuga Clan to faint and go into a comatose state would be _very_ bad for relations between the two clans.

Hinata grabs a nearby tree to steady herself, instead, a look of pure horror on her face as she debates how to reject the outlandish offer without grievously insulting the pride of the Uchiha Clan. "A-Ah, I d-don't quite know how to s-say this…" she trails off, looking absolutely miserable, although her eyes have fixed on a point somewhere behind him and over his head.

Sasuke, feeling the prickling of something approaching remorse, inches closer to his distant and obviously traumatized younger cousin, stretching a tentative hand out to pat her on the shoulder or something—

"Excuse me?" a smooth, silky voice cuts in, and the aura of murderous intent in the training grounds spikes so much that for one terrifying moment, Sasuke thinks that Itachi has found him.

"N-no, Neji, it's okay, really…" Hinata squeaks.

Sasuke pales somewhat.

So it isn't Itachi.

It's worse.

Sasuke debates sprinting out of there as fast as his remarkable speed will take him, but then the choice is taken out of his hands. By the fact that he suddenly finds his back against a tree, an inch away from the murderous-looking prodigy of the Hyuuga Clan…Hyuuga Neji himself.

Sasuke is almost inhumanly stoic, like all good Uchiha, but even he cannot restrain a minute gulp of trepidation upon finding himself nose-to-nose with his brother's second-in-command of the ANBU forces.

"You," Neji pronounces, his voice dripping disdain, with one chakra-loaded palm positioned near Sasuke's heart. "And your brother, and any other eligible male of your clan, and any other eligible male of this entire _village_…will stay away from Hinata. Far away." The chakra-loaded palm inches closer. "Is that clear?"

Normally Sasuke would _never_ allow himself to be intimidated into compliance by another individual in this manner, and normally, he would Chidori a straight hole through Neji's left kidney for even attempting such a thing…but Mother would never forgive him.

Sasuke stares up at the elder Hyuuga, giving as good as he's got. "Crystal," he replies sardonically.

Neji steps back a pace, his eyes narrowed. "Good. Now get out."

As Sasuke turns to go, he sees Hinata offer him a tiny, remorseful wave, which he returns – having a completely overprotective older cousin isn't _her_ fault, after all.

Neji just glares.

-

As Sasuke slinks out of the Hyuuga Compound, resisting the urge to curl up and lick his wounded pride, he tries his best to resume plotting. Hana – thwarted by her engagement to Tessai, a childhood friend. Hinata – thwarted by her murderous and scarily overprotective cousin.

Now, who else?

Sasuke thinks of the older female jounin of the village first. He personally holds respect for Kurenai, a talented genjutsu specialist, but she is happily married to Asuma. Yugao Uzuki, one of the only female ANBU members, has been in a relationship with Hayate Gekko for years. It is a well-complained-about fact among the males their age that there is a sore lack of eligible kunoichi in Konoha, but Sasuke hadn't fully realized the magnitude of the problem until now. The pool is narrowed even further, because Sasuke can count the number of females that Itachi has ever even talked to on one hand.

Anko?

Sasuke stops dead on the small path – it's perfect, albeit in a completely frightening and sick way. She and Itachi are both mildly cruel and sadistic, and share many other qualities in common. Hell, they could torture innocent little genin together. The younger Uchiha seriously considers the idea for a while, and in the end, decides to abandon it for purely selfish reasons. Anko would just be a bad influence on Itachi and vice versa, anyway. They'd probably end up taking control of Konoha and turning it into an evil empire…so, no.

Shizune?

Sasuke dismisses the idea after a few steps; it's true that Shizune often tends to Itachi's wounds, but Sakura has long suspected a secret flirtation going on between Shizune and Shiranui Genma. And no matter what the rest of his redoubtable qualities are, Uchiha Sasuke most certainly does not break happy couples up.

Sasuke doubts that Itachi has ever even seen Ino, and besides, she's with Shikamaru, and…

_Oh, hell._

Sasuke freezes in his path, his gaze darting to the downtown area of Konoha, as he marvels at how he didn't think of it before. With that, he sprints off in a cloud of dust, hell-bent on getting there as fast as humanly possible.

-

_Konoha Hospital_

-

Nobody stops Sasuke as he sprints through the glass double doors of the hospital, straight up three flights of stairs, and runs through fifteen corridors without even stopping to catch his breath. His sharp eyes pick out the inscription on each door, and finally he arrives at the general checkup area. It takes a moment of concentration, and then Sasuke's chakra-sensing skills hone in on one particular, distinctive chakra signature.

The door is at the very end of the hallway, and Sasuke skids to an abrupt stop, before flinging the door open and falling into the checkup room unceremoniously. "Sakura!" he barks, his normal composure cracked somewhat by the stress of the past hour or so.

There is a heartbeat of silence, before Sakura finishes healing the shallow kunai slashes across Aburame Shino's upper arm. Shino raises an eyebrow at him, and Sasuke considers repeating himself, in case Sakura had been too fully focused on Shino to hear him or notice the sudden interruption—

And then the scalpel whistles through the air, aimed in his direction, and only his quick reflexes prevent Sasuke from being pinned by the ear to the opposite wall.

"Sasuke-kun, I don't _care_ if you have another horrible migraine brought on by stupid drinking contests with Naruto, you're going to wait your turn like everybody else," Sakura says with a smirk, even as she slides the bandage up Shino's newly healed arm, tying it with quick, yet gentle efficiency.

Sasuke bristles somewhat and stands in the corner and glowers until Sakura finishes her inspection of Shino and sends him on his way with a smile. Extinguishing the flame of chakra in her hand, Sakura sighs and rolls down the sleeves of her olive green turtleneck, turning to him again. "Good morning."

Sasuke wastes no time with the social niceties, instead slamming the door of the room shut and locking it behind him, before advancing on her. "Sakura. I have something important to ask you."

Sakura makes a face at him, before quickly rolling a chair between them. "Your intensity can be cute sometimes, but right now it's just disturbing, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke swipes the chair out of the way easily, before falling to one knee in front of her. "Sakura, will you—"

Sakura backs up to the window, and the expression of confused horror on her face can easily rival Hinata's. "What the hell?" she yelps, effectively and unpleasantly interrupting his frequently-released proposal. "Sasuke-kun, I thought we agreed it didn't work out after that one date when we were sixteen…"

"…Will you go out with Itachi?"

Sakura freezes. "…What?" she asks, in her most deceptively harmless tone.

Sasuke pushes a few long locks of hair out of his eyes irritably. "Will you date my brother?"

-

Sakura's bloodcurdling screech echoes around the hospital.

Twice.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

All of your questions will be answered. Next time. :D

Feedback appreciated! :)


	2. The Game Plan

_Thank you very much to everybody who reviewed. :) And because I'm not sure whether I mentioned it earlier, this fic also works under the premise that Sakura splits her time between working with Team Seven and working as the official medic for the ANBU squad that Itachi leads. _

-

_Chapter Two: The Game Plan_

-

Sasuke blinks as he is shoved down onto the examination table at the speed of light. "Sakura, what—"

Sakura glares at him balefully, before stalking over to one of the cabinets, yanking it open, and withdrawing a vial full of an absolutely foul-looking greenish-yellow liquid. "How many _times_ do I have to tell you and Naruto about the stupid drinking contests, Sasuke-kun? How many _times_? And we have a mission today, too! You two can just be so _stupid_ sometimes!"

Sasuke watches, alarmed, as his sole female teammate strides over to him, uncorking the vial violently. As she thrusts it under his nose with a strict order to drink, the younger Uchiha twitches irritably, before repossessing the vile vial and setting it on the nearby table. "Sakura. I am most certainly not drunk – or hung over."

Sakura glowers at him, crossing her arms over the dark green flak vest that covers the standard-regulation jounin turtleneck. "Really. Because I really can't think of any other reason you would storm in here and randomly make a proposition of that…nature," she grimaces unhappily, before putting a hand to his forehead. If anything, Sakura looks even more perplexed to discover that he isn't running a fever and therefore shows no physical signs of delirium.

Sasuke sighs slightly, deciding to disillusion her. "I'm perfectly fine. No brain fever or sudden head trauma or anything."

There are a few heartbeats of silence between them, and for a moment, Sasuke thinks that he may have gotten through to her.

Then, Sakura draws one chakra-loaded fist back and punches him in the arm. Hard.

Sasuke stifles a rather un-Uchiha like yelp of pain, and skips straight to a more dignified and appropriate deathly glare. "What the hell?"

Sakura fairly looms over him, cracking her knuckles. "You don't have the excuse of ill health now, Sasuke-kun," she pronounces, before poking him firmly in the clavicle. "Explain yourself. Right. This. _Instant._"

Sasuke stands up and gives his most world-weary sigh, before leaning against the wall. "Must I?"

It's Sakura's turn to blink, now. "I come to the hospital early looking to do some work before the mission, and what do I find? I find _you_, barging in here and asking me to date Itachi! I think I deserve an explanation!"

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, completely unimpressed. "You shouldn't have trained with Tsunade-sama. You were a lot less troublesome – and scary – back when we just made genin."

Despite her best efforts, Sakura's lips twitch, amused. "You sound like Shikamaru. But don't try to change the subject. Tell me why you would ask such a completely ridiculous…thing."

Deciding to get straight to the point, Sasuke crosses his arms and regards her impassively. "You wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

"Try me," Sakura returns, with a flinty smile.

"I may possibly wish to hypothetically ask an individual out to dinner at some point in the distant future. Maybe," Sasuke equivocates. "However, when I articulated this purely hypothetical intent to my parents, my esteemed father found it – unseemly – that I may possibly begin courtship processes before the Demon Spawn."

"Demon Spawn being Itachi?" Sakura supplies, just to make sure; Sasuke's terms of endearment for his elder brother change on an almost monthly basis. Last time she had checked, Itachi went by the Sasuke-granted alias of Frigid Ice Bitch.

Sasuke nods quickly. "Yes. Well – and you _know_ he hates me."

"Itachi doesn't hate you!" Sakura interrupts, sounding distressed; as an only child who has always wanted a sibling, the concept of having a brother or sister and _not_ loving them is completely incomprehensible to her. "I mean – I know he's a bit rough around the edges, but I'm sure he has great affection for you very deep down inside." She winces, thinking of her icy ANBU squad leader. "_Very_ deep down…"

Sasuke stares at her incredulously. "…I just completely fail to understand you at times, you know?"

Sakura waves her hand impatiently. "Whatever, just go on!"

"Like I was saying – he hates me. And since Father basically told him that _I_ wasn't allowed to hypothetically maybe perhaps request the company of a certain kunoichi for dinner until _he_ got some kind of love interest…" Sasuke twitches at the memory. "You should have seen it. He just kind of sneered and asked me if I knew that he held _my_ happiness in his evil hands."

Sasuke takes a deep breath, before continuing on. "And you _know_ him. You know what kind of a person he is. He'll just continue his celibate and solitary life for another few months or years or forever, just to spite me. So, I, ah – kind of decided to take matters into my own hands."

Sakura just continues to look at him as if he has sprouted antlers. "…You did."

"Which, of course, means that I now have to set Itachi up with somebody," Sasuke mutters, still unable to get over how absolutely _ludicrous_ that sounds.

In the momentary pause that this statement ensures, Sakura punches him again; this time on the other arm, and Uchiha clan pride or not, Sasuke cannot stifle his yelp of pain. "Ouch! What was _that_ for?"

Sakura glares at him, almost unable to believe it. "For being completely _stupid_, Sasuke-kun! Out of all the kunoichi in this village, why choose…me? Why not…" – she racks her brain, trying to remember the names of his genin teammates – "Inuzuka Hana? She's his age, and they were teammates!"

Sasuke's left eye twitches. "I _asked._ She's engaged to Aburame Tessai, Shino's older brother – he proposed this morning."

Sakura's resolve wavers slightly. "Well, then, there must be others—"

"I asked Hyuuga Hinata, because she's the heiress to the Hyuuga Clan, and I thought it would make sense in a perverse kind of way," Sasuke continues, trying not to flinch at the memory. "…And, opposites attract, and all that crap that you and Ino always go on about."

Sakura's foot begins tapping out a deadly pattern on the floor. "_And_?"

"And Neji materialized out of nowhere and promised myself, my brother, and any other male of the village certain death if any of us did so much as _look_ at Hinata," Sasuke grouches, sticking his hands into his pockets.

This time, a reluctant laugh fights its way free of Sakura's throat. "You asked for it – you must be the only guy in the village who doesn't know how protective Neji is of Hinata-chan."

"Whatever," Sasuke mutters. "And then, you know, I came here."

Sakura scowls at him. "So I was choice number three. Out of _all_ the other kunoichi in the village."

"Look," Sasuke points out tersely. "There aren't that many eligible kunoichi in the village, anyway. On top of that, Itachi's spoken to a handful of them. Five, at the very most. And you happen to be one of _three_ who are on first-name terms with him."

Sakura looks momentarily stunned. "…There are still…two others…?" she trails off hopelessly.

"One would be Hana," Sasuke says pointedly. "And the other would be my _mother._"

"…Oh," Sakura squeaks, finally understanding the magnitude of the problem. "I don't suppose you could talk to your father about this?"

Sasuke just stares at her.

"Or not," she amends hastily.

The two of them sigh in unison, before Sakura stiffens her spine, regaining her resolve.

"You're looking at me funny," Sasuke says suspiciously. "Stop it."

Sakura raises an eyebrow at him. "Let me get this straight. You hate Itachi – or, at least, you think you do."

"No, I actually hate him."

"Whatever. And you're trying to set _me,_ your only female teammate and one of your two best friends, up with the elder brother that you supposedly despise." Sakura crosses her arms, looking far too scheming for his comfort. "Which means you obviously don't care about me and my happiness at all. You and Naruto are supposed to want the best for me, you know. This is messed up on way too many levels."

Upon faced with this accusation, Sasuke actually blushes slightly. "It's not like that at all," he mutters.

"Oh?" Sakura smirks. "Then what _is_ it like, Sasuke-kun?"

Complete and utter silence.

Sakura places her hands on her hips in her most Tsunade-like manner. "Talk. Now."

Sasuke backs away one pace, the Sharingan flickering on as an automatic defense mode. "I will not talk to you about my feelings, woman!"

Sakura's hand snaps out, and she grabs him by the collar of his jounin vest, dragging him closer. "Yes, you will," she replies calmly. "Or I will find whoever it is that you intend to date and tell her about that one mission in Sand when you—"

Sasuke flails, wrenching himself free of her grasp and dusting himself off irately. "I was right – you're perfect for Itachi!"

Sakura grins, sitting down in her chair again. "Knowing you, I shouldn't take that as a compliment, but," – she shivers slightly – "it's weird to hear you say it, anyway. Now, go on."

Sasuke glares at her resentfully and mumbles something under his breath.

Sakura blinks at him. "_Enunciate,_ Sasuke-kun."

"Fine!" Sasuke almost yells, before lowering his voice, remembering the patients in the neighboring rooms. "This whole thing – it's not about wanting the worst for you…it's about wanting the very best for him. Itachi. Even though he probably doesn't deserve it – deserve _you_ – he's still my older brother, after all. And I used to love him a lot. Besides, if anybody could make him happy or better or whatever…it's you."

Sasuke closes his eyes then, wishing fervently that this whole surreal encounter could be nothing more than a hallucinatory dream, brought on by the dubious quality of last night's ramen. Once he judges that there has been an appropriate grace period, he cracks his left eye open slightly.

…To find Sakura staring at him, her eyes brimming over with tears.

"Damn," Sasuke mutters.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura sniffles, wiping at the corners of her eyes and standing up. "That may actually have been one of the nicest things you've ever said to me…"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sasuke says warily, before rolling the chair between them. "Wait – Sakura – don't – you're not going to _hug_ me or something annoying like that, are you?"

Sakura swipes the chair out of her way easily. "You don't have to sound so repulsed, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke retreats, grabbing a deserted scalpel in an attempt to arm himself. "I hate hugs."

Sakura rolls her eyes at him affectionately, grabbing her light black jacket. "Fine then, I'll save it for later – and make it a group hug with Naruto, too. Come on, we have to meet him and Kakashi-sensei at Ichiraku soon."

The two of them leave the hospital in largely companionable silence, before Sakura clears her throat and looks up at him. "…Oh, by the way, I can't do it. The whole dating-Itachi thing."

Sasuke actually chokes on the cool morning air itself. "_What_?"

Sakura lifts her hands defensively. "Look, your sentiment up there was really thoughtful and sweet, but the facts are that Itachi doesn't even _like_ me. I mean, we work together really well and all, but I've never even seen any indication that he may be interested in me as more than a teammate, medic…and kind-of-friend."

"Don't be crazy," Sasuke grouses. "Itachi likes you more than he likes me and the rest of the clan – excepting Mother and Father, maybe – _combined_."

Sakura gives him an incredulous look. "Are we talking about the same Itachi? The one who mocks me cruelly for every one of my unique little idiosyncrasies?"

Sasuke shudders slightly, aware that this little conversation is about to go into some very, very, _very_ uncomfortable territory. "You know he's socially retarded – in the sick, twisted psychological realm of Itachi Land, that's probably code for daily confessions of neverending love. But let's shift gears a little…Sakura, do _you_ like Itachi?"

Sakura stops dead, almost colliding with a cabbage merchant. "I – I – _what_?" To her horror, she feels her face turning at least five different shades of red, easily enough to emit heat.

Despite his best efforts, Sasuke can't restrain a smirk at her palpable discomfort. "I'll take that as a yes, then?"

"No! No, no, no!" Sakura yelps, now thoroughly agitated, while trying her best to not look Sasuke in the eye. "I mean, yeah, he's…interesting. And exceptionally intelligent. And talented. And multifaceted. And a lot of other…stuff. Even though, above all else, he can be completely insufferable and obnoxious and mildly arrogant while off the field…"

Sasuke groans, fighting the rapidly-impeding migraine that threatens to overwhelm him. He may be one of Konoha's top jounin and the overwhelming favorite for ANBU induction next recruitment season, but in _no_ way is he emotionally or mentally capable of comprehending the exact nature of Sakura's feelings, or lack thereof, for his Demon Spawn of an elder brother. It's time to get more straightforward, even though the answer to this question could prove to be a hell of a lot more disturbing than the previous one.

"…Sakura. Do you find Itachi…" – he struggles with the word, as if trying to force it through his traitorous lips – "…_attractive_?"

Sasuke flinches as soon as he says this, as if bracing himself for a lethal blow.

This time, Sakura actually does collide with a watermelon merchant, and while she helps the elderly man pick up his scattered watermelons, with a smile and several apologies, the look in her eyes is so murderous that Sasuke actually thanks Buddha that there are too many witnesses on the crowded street for her to smash one of the watermelons over his head.

"What the hell is this, Twenty Questions About Uchiha Itachi day?" Sakura hisses under her breath, as soon as they have safely cleared the watermelon merchant. Then she realizes, mortified, that she is blushing even harder at the very _thought_ of Itachi. Honestly, nobody _that_ insufferably obnoxious and arrogant should have been given the almost indecent degree of good looks that he has…

Inner Sakura is quite loudly clamoring in response to Sasuke's question that, _hell yes,_ Itachi is likely the most heart-stoppingly sexy man she knows. Sakura's conscious mind kicks her hormone-crazed subconscious in the jugular, and promptly goes into overdrive denying this fact.

"Sakura, you're turning purple," Sasuke observes clinically, before a look of horror slides over his features. "…Does this mean you _do_ think he's attractive? Or do you just find him too hideously ugly to even think about?"

Sakura takes a few deep breaths to calm herself, before forcing herself to look Sasuke in the eyes. "Yes," she mumbles.

"Yes what?" Sasuke replies, confused. "Yes, he's hideously ugly, or yes, you think he's the most attractive man in your acquaintance?" A few moments pass, and then Sasuke looks even more revolted than he had earlier. "…I cannot believe I just said that…"

Sakura blushes hotly, sticking her hands in her pockets. "The latter. With all due respect, your brother is absolutely gorgeous. Evil, yes, but hot nevertheless. I'm fairly sure that I've felt this way since I was about…five. Except I didn't know he was evil back then."

Utter silence reigns between them once again. There are some things that should definitely _not_ be said, even between best friends, and declaring the sentiment that one finds the other's hated elder brother to be _hot_ is one of them.

"I'm going to drink myself absolutely stupid tonight," Sasuke declares, rubbing at his aching head. "Or maybe go and hit on Hinata so that Neji can put me in a coma. _Anything_ to scrub that horrible, terrible, awful statement out of the surface of my auditory cortex."

Sakura winces apologetically, even though her cheeks are still pink, and not exactly from the cold. "Sorry…but you did ask."

"Yeah, well," Sasuke scowls, as they approach Ichiraku, and he flings himself into one of the bar stools in front of the outdoor tables. As Sakura joins him, Ayame the ramen waitress smiles and greets them cheerfully, before setting out two complementary glasses of icy lemonade, and a third for Naruto, because it is a well-known fact that Sasuke and Sakura _never_ come here without Naruto. "So you think that Itachi's…uh, hot," Sasuke continues, once they are alone again.

Sakura can't help but direct a paranoid glance around, waving her hands. "Shh! Don't say it so loudly! And…maybe you should stop saying it in general. It makes you look like you're going to puke."

"It's fine," Sasuke says, with an air of martyred resignation. "After all, you saying that means that…well…um…"

"Spit it out," Sakura says pragmatically. "There's nothing that could be worse than running into my examination room, before yelling '_will you date Itachi_' at the top of your lungs and completely taking me unawares…"

Sasuke sighs, running his fingers through his shoulder-length ponytail; it isn't nearly as long as Itachi's, and instead, looks identical to his father's. "If you say so. Sakura…" he hesitates, visibly uncomfortable. "You know that you're really pretty and stuff, right?"

Sakura blinks, shell-shocked and completely taken aback. "You never even said that to me when we were _dating_! Two compliments in one day…heh, you must be really desperate, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke smirks; he has ulterior motives at work here. "Are you, ah, confident in your good looks, Sakura?"

Inner Sakura is screaming that there is a trap here, there _must_ be a trap, but Sakura can't help but rise to the bait; she preens, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. "Of course I am."

Sasuke's eyes narrow, like a predator having set its sights on the prey. "Confident enough to seduce and subsequently date my brother?"

"Hell, yeah – wait, _what_?"

-

Five minutes later, when Uzumaki Naruto arrives at Ichiraku Ramen, he abruptly ceases whistling his cheerful _excited-for-breakfast-ramen_ tune, upon seeing his favorite medic-nin whimpering disconsolately, her arms wrapped around herself, while his favorite dark-haired, red-eyed bastard looks on impassively.

"Oy, bastard, what did you do to Sakura-chan?" Naruto yelps, alarmed, before dragging over a nearby chair and throwing a comforting arm around Sakura's shoulders.

Sakura merely rocks back and forth a little, mumbling something incoherent about _seduction_ and _Itachi_ and _so fucking screwed. _

Naruto jumps back, as if burned, and then points to his sole female teammate, obviously disturbed. "What – the _hell_ – she just said 'seduction,' 'Itachi,' and '_screwed_,' in the same sentence! This must not be good! I sleep in for _one_ day and you manage to wreck everybody's life, bastard! What's going on?"

Sasuke sighs deeply, before punching the loud blonde in the arm to make him shut up. At almost twenty, Naruto looks more like his father, the Fourth Hokage, with every passing day – unfortunately, he has yet to display that amount of emotional maturity. "Long story short," he begins. "I may possibly wish to hypothetically ask an individual out to dinner at some point in the distant future. Maybe. However, when I articulated this purely hypothetical intent to my parents, my esteemed father found it – unseemly – that I may possibly begin courtship processes before the Demon Spawn. Therefore, our dear teammate Sakura has very kindly agreed to seduce and then begin dating Itachi, thereby granting _me _the freedom to hypothetically possibly maybe request the company of a certain kunoichi for dinner. Sometime. Maybe."

Naruto blinks. "…Wow, that's gotta be the most fucked up thing I've heard in at least two weeks, you know?"

"So says you, Naruto!" Sakura shrieks, snapping out of her traumatized state of mind. "You're not the one who has to…seduce…Itachi!"

Naruto taps his chin wisely. "Ah, but see: Sakura-chan, Sasuke-bastard, both of you have overlooked one very important point in this, uh…game plan."

"And what would that be, dumbass?" Sasuke growls, although both he and Sakura lean closer, obviously listening.

"See," Naruto begins, completely straight-faced. "Sakura-chan. You know that I think that you're the most beautiful person in all of the Fire Country, but the fact is that you just can't seduce Itachi."

Sakura blinks, trying to decide whether to be insulted or not. "…Why not?" she ventures cautiously.

Naruto turns to Sasuke instead, flinging a companionable arm around the cringing Uchiha's shoulders. "You know how your brother was like a child-prodigy shinobi killing machine, right?" he asks, in a hushed, conspiratory tone. "Graduated the Academy at like, five, and made ANBU Captain at thirteen…crazy, huh?"

Sasuke and Sakura both nod, enthralled, despite themselves. No matter what Naruto's other failings are, he _is_ an excellent storyteller.

"As a matter of fact, some would say that it just wasn't normal," Naruto lowers his voice farther. "Some say that the Uchiha Clan _did_ something to him…something that altered him…that changed his composition as a human being forever and set him apart from all other shinobi of our time…"

"No way," Sasuke whispers back, even though he doesn't look completely convinced. "Itachi is many things, but I'm fairly sure he's not genetically altered."

"You're the one who's always saying how abnormal he is…and you would have only been a baby at that time, anyway, Sasuke," Naruto continues, in an ethereal tone.

Sakura grabs his arm. "Go on!"

"Yeah, keep talking, dumbass…"

"The Uchiha Clan knew that they had to make an ultimate weapon of Itachi, by turning him into a man like no other," Naruto declares dramatically. "They knew that what they had in mind was extremely drastic, but to them, the payoff would be completely worth it…"

Sasuke's left eye twitches slightly. "Cut to the chase already, dumbass!"

"The clan, they…" Naruto trails off, looking at both of his teammates meaningfully.

Sakura can barely contain her impatience. "_Yes_?"

"Extracted…"

Sasuke unearths a kunai from the pocket of his jounin vest.

"The Uchiha Clan extracted Itachi's hormones!" Naruto completes gleefully. "They removed them! Made them go completely inactive! By removing the primary thing that could give him normal human impulses, they turned him into a perfectly efficient killing machine with a one-track mind, focused only on the well-being of Konoha and the Uchiha clan itself! _Genius_! So he would never be distracted by his single-minded goals by 'trivial' things like the need to make friends or be nice or gain social approval or hang out with a pretty girl like Sakura-chan!"

Sakura's forehead makes a solid sound as it collides with the table.

Sasuke, inexplicably enough, looks awestruck. "Hey, dumbass, that actually makes _sense_."

Naruto smirks. "I know. Best conspiracy theory yet, huh?"

"No, idiots," Sakura fairly snarls, as she straightens again. "It would have been medically impossible to _extract_ Itachi's hormones."

Sasuke and Naruto blink in unison. "But…"

"It explains so much," Sasuke says mournfully.

Sakura sighs, leaning back against the counter and taking a sip of lemonade. "What's more likely is that Itachi is just, uh," she hesitates, trying to find the proper term for it. "…very _repressed._"

"Hormonally repressed?" Sasuke queries. "…Or, socially repressed?"

Naruto snickers, waggling his eyebrows suggestively and elbowing Sakura. "Or would dear Itachi be _sexually_ repressed?"

Sasuke joins him in snickering. "You used a derivative of _sex_ and _Itachi_ in the same sentence…haha, that's funny…"

Sakura groans, burying her head in her hands. "I don't know why I even bother with you two, honestly. And, just for the record, it's likely that Itachi is all three."

"Poor Itachi," Naruto fairly giggles, wiping at the corners of his eyes.

"Almost makes me feel sorry for him," Sasuke says sagely.

Naruto grins evilly and flings his arm around Sakura's waist. "Don't be, Sasuke-bastard. After all, he's got Sakura-chan over here to help him through his little sexual repression problem!"

Sakura promptly punches Naruto in the jaw, even though he is laughing too hard to care. The kunoichi sighs deeply, drawing her jacket closer around herself. "You two are _so_ immature. And this little conversation just goes to further the point that I _can't_ seduce Itachi, anyway. So you should just talk to your father and get it over with, Sasuke-kun."

"Aw, come on, Sakura-chan," Naruto wheedles, before giving her his most winning smile. "If there's any girl in this village who could help an asexual guy through his issues and show him the light, it would definitely be you."

Sasuke smirks. "I actually have to agree with the dumbass on this one, Sakura. Although if you messed up somehow and, uh, made Itachi fight for the other side, I would find that equally amusing."

It takes Sakura a few seconds to decipher the meaning of the odd metaphor, but when she does, she kicks her childhood crush in the shin repeatedly and viciously. "Sasuke-kun! That's _horrible_!"

The two young men continue to laugh, much to her irritation, and Sakura sighs deeply, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on.

Recognizing the danger signs, Sasuke manages to calm himself somewhat, and leans across to look her in the eye. "All joking aside, Sakura," he deadpans, regaining his usual serious demeanor. "You're the only girl that Itachi has ever looked twice at—"

"—Yeah, and Sasuke-bastard's happiness _is_ completely in your hands, too," Naruto cuts in, leaning his head on Sakura's shoulder.

Sakura closes her eyes for a moment – Sasuke hasn't ever dated anybody besides those one and a half dates with her, when they had both been sixteen; a little less than four years ago now, and she _does_ want him to be happy.

Not to mention that this has somehow become a matter of pride, in which getting Itachi to show some sort of romantic interest in her would prove to Sasuke and Naruto that he _is_ human – and that she could be the one to trigger that in him. Which is definitely saying something, considering that the infamously icy ANBU Captain is the one involved in this equation. It's going to be a challenge, to be sure, but Sakura has always proved herself to be exceptionally good at challenges.

Besides, denying her subconscious and long-standing interest (purely academic, of course) in Itachi would be nothing but a blatant lie. In a more ideal world, she could have acted on her completely academic interest in a _very_ different manner and under _very_ different circumstances, but there's no helping it. At least this way, she can take two birds out with one stone. Figuratively, of course.

"Fine," Sakura mutters, at last. "I'll do it."

Naruto punches the air, and Sasuke just smirks. "Excellent. Now, go find him."

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaims, scandalized. "I can't do it so _suddenly_, you know. This is going to be a very delicate and precise process!"

Naruto grins in anticipation. "Then it's going to need a plan, right?"

"Probably," Sakura acknowledges. "A detailed plan. The longer the better."

They both look over at Sasuke. "He's your brother, bastard," Naruto points out. "Get over here and help us scheme."

"I need to have a detailed list of everything that Itachi likes," Sakura continues.

Sasuke scoffs. "This is Itachi we're talking about, remember? He doesn't _like_ anything."

"Hm," Naruto sighs. "This is going to be harder than I thought."

Sakura elbows him playfully. "That's what I've been telling you since the beginning, but we can do it – right?"

"Of course," Sasuke nods.

Sakura shakes her long hair back with newfound confidence, before lifting her half-full glass of lemonade, holding it out in the center of the table for a toast. "Then let's begin."

Naruto lifts his glass as well, ready to clink to a successful mission, before snatching it back, looking aghast at their almost-violation of basic operational rules. "But we need an operation name first, Sakura-chan!"

They both look toward Sasuke again, who just shrugs, looking somewhat clueless. "_Operation: The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi_?"

Sakura flinches at the very sound of it. "So _cliché _that it burns, Sasuke-kun!"

"If that's the case, let's see the two of you come up with anything better," Sasuke glowers.

A whole minute of silence passes.

"Fine, _Operation: Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi_ works," Sakura sighs, defeated.

"Or the _Itachi Seduction Project_, for short," Naruto chimes in.

Smirking his satisfaction, Sasuke lifts his glass up to join Sakura and Naruto's. "Very well."

He nods to Sakura, who gulps past a momentary fit of trepidation, before clinking her glass with her teammates. "_Operation: Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi_, officially commenced."

Sasuke smirks. "I'll drink to that."

_Commenced,_ Sakura smirks back, feeling the adrenaline pulse through her veins, even after she sets her glass back down on the counter, _for better or for worse. _

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

Again, thank you to everybody who was kind enough to review the previous chapter! Don't worry, Sasuke's mysterious kunoichi is _not_ an OC (or Karin, who would be even worse, really); she's a canon character.

Feedback very much appreciated! :)


	3. The Seduction Project, Act I

_As always, thank you so much to everybody who was kind enough to review. :) Oh, and just a hint – read this chapter very carefully, and you'll probably know who Sasuke's lucky kunoichi is by the end…_

_-_

_Chapter Three: The Seduction Project, Act I_

_-_

The remaining few rays of late evening sunlight filter in through Itachi's office window, and he finally pushes his chair back from the desk with a sigh, surveying the massive piles of neatly-organized paperwork that almost entirely cover the surface of his desk. Being Konoha's ANBU Captain has its perks, but this certainly isn't one of them.

In a rare lapse of focus, his gaze flickers toward the window – from here, he can see the main gates of the village, which are swinging shut for the night. There is nothing out of the ordinary there, and he is just about to gather all the files and take them over to Hyuuga Neji's neighboring office for secondary inspection, when he catches sight of three very familiar figures out of the corner of his eye.

The ANBU offices are located at the very top of Hokage Tower, so he has quite a remarkable vantage point of the entire village; still, Itachi's gaze hones in on the three very familiar jounin slipping into the village gates at the last possible second. All of them look far too happy and carefree for just having returned from an S-ranked assassination operation, and Itachi frowns slightly – the immaturity of his foolish little brother and his teammates never ceases to bemuse him.

Although they make a cheerful picture, he supposes; they even look like a matching set, all dressed in the same black pants, dark green turtleneck, and matching flak vest that is mandatory for all Konoha jounin. Uzumaki Naruto has his arms flung around Sasuke and Sakura's shoulders, and the three of them are locked in what appears to be intent conversation. Eavesdropping is most certainly not Itachi's intention, but he immediately notices how disturbed his pink-haired medic looks; she gestures angrily at her two teammates every so often, before running her fingers through her long, windswept locks, obviously frustrated.

Itachi has to admit to feeling some intrigue; it is true that riling Sakura is an almost enjoyable pursuit, one that he and Genma admit to engaging in a little bit more often than necessary, just for their amusement, but he would have thought that her beloved Team Seven would be a little bit more considerate.

As he watches, to his surprise, Sasuke pulls Sakura closer, her arm around her waist, and whispers something to her and Naruto, looking very serious.

This time, Itachi can't help but frown, recalling his foolish little brother's declaration earlier this morning, over breakfast. Even _he_ knows that Sasuke had dated Sakura for a short time when the two of them had been sixteen, before the relationship had apparently just settled back into close friendship, much to their mother's dismay. Is it possible that his brother intends to rekindle the connection?

A slight frown knits Itachi's brow, as he chides himself for letting his thoughts wander to something as trivial as the matter of his younger brother's romantic attachment to Haruno Sakura. This will be a headache, to be sure – he most certainly does not want such an integral member of his squad to be distracted by such unnecessary romantic pursuits. _Especially_ not with his own younger brother.

A small smirk touches the corner of Itachi's lips, even as Team Seven continues on their way. Under normal circumstances, he would possibly have considered a discreet intervention of some sort – however, thanks to his esteemed father's proclamation over breakfast, those measures will not be necessary. His foolish little brother will be unable to _date_ Sakura until _he_ finds a romantic interest of his own, and Itachi is absolutely certain that is not going to happen at any point in this lifetime.

Still – his brother and the remaining two members of Team Seven look far too scheming for Itachi's personal comfort, and even as he returns his attention to his paperwork, the ANBU Captain resolves to watch his back.

-

"Okay, remember what I said earlier," Sakura instructs firmly. "Sasuke-kun, you watch him like a hawk over dinner, and listen to everything that he says with utmost intentness – he's got to like _some_ things, and as his brother, you're in the best position to find out."

Sasuke rolls his eyes minutely. "I still think the only thing Itachi _likes_ is causing me misery and unhappiness. Maybe you can punch me through a few trees right outside his bedroom window – he'd come out and propose marriage on the spot, probably."

Sakura stifles a giggle at the ensuing mental image. "Only as a last resort, Sasuke-kun."

Naruto snorts with laughter. "Is there anything I have to do, Sakura-chan?"

"Moral support," Sakura says, with a completely straight face. "If I show up at your door at three in the morning sobbing and having a psychological breakdown because of the sheer craziness of the task I agreed to perform, in a moment of utter stupidity, you have to comfort me."

Naruto grins and gives her his adaptation of the famous Good Guy Pose. "Of course – oy, wait, Sakura-chan, where are you going?"

Sakura looks over her shoulder at them, her hair fluttering in the steady evening breeze. "To see Ino-pig, of course! You guys are great company and all, but I don't think that you would want to give me any tips on how _exactly_ I could go about seducing Itachi…"

With that, Sakura strolls off, a bounce in her step, leaving Naruto and Sasuke staring after her speechlessly.

"Eh, Sasuke-bastard," Naruto croaks, at last, his mind completely inundated with very much unwelcome pictures of his innocent, beloved Sakura-chan doing seductive _things_ to scary, evil Itachi, of all people. "I – oh _Buddha_ – ew…why did you have to think of this stupid plan, anyway?" he demands, horrified.

Sasuke looks even more horrorstruck, as his mind has also been invaded by said unwelcome pictures of his best friend slash ex-girlfriend doing seductive _things_ to his Demon Spawn of an evil older brother, of all people. "I don't know, dumbass. I really don't know."

Without further ado, Sasuke grabs Naruto by the arm and drags him off in the direction of the nearest bar. Naruto screeches, digging his heels into the ground. "Where are we going, bastard? Ichiraku is the _other_ way!"

"We're going to go and get so drunk that we forget that horrible statement of Sakura's, of course. I'll pay for ramen afterwards." Sasuke says, as if it should be obvious.

Naruto winces, before falling into step with his best friend. "Yeah. Seeing as I now have certain mental images of Itachi and _our _Sakura-chan doing – things – that I need to burn out of my mind."

"…I'll drink to that, dumbass. I'll _definitely_ drink to that."

-

Once the revolted-looking Sasuke and Naruto have disappeared from sight, Sakura finally allows herself to laugh. The looks on their faces had been absolutely priceless – serves them right for coming up with the stupid plan in the first place, as well as teasing her about it all day.

Despite that, however, she had only been half-joking about going to find Ino and seeking her advice. Sakura considers herself a more-than-capable kunoichi, but honestly, seducing Itachi, Konoha's infamously frigid and icily inapproachable ANBU Captain? This is a matter that is way beyond anyone's individual reach – even hers. Besides, Ino has been on a surveillance mission in Snow for the past two and a half weeks, and even though Sakura would rather pour a scalding bowl of ramen over her own head than admit it – after all, Ino would tease her mercilessly if she ever found out – she _has_ really missed her best friend.

Within a few minutes, Sakura is standing outside of the small apartment that Ino shares with Shikamaru, who is still out, on a mission to Rain. The second she knocks on the splintering door, it flies open, and Sakura yelps, surprised, before falling inwards, into a pair of very familiar arms.

"Forehead Girl!" Ino shrieks, at the top of her lungs, before proceeding to lock Sakura in one of her customary rib-crushing hugs. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I actually missed you! It was so terribly, horribly, awfully _boring_ in Snow, with nothing to do except go to the hot springs, and it reminded me of that spa we went to for your last birthday, which made me think that the whole thing would have been a hell of a lot more fun if you or Shika-kun or Chouji were there—"

Sakura rolls her eyes affectionately, before dragging Ino back into the apartment. "It's nice to have you back too, Ino-pig."

Still chattering at a mile a minute, Ino leads Sakura over to the small living room, before swiping weeks-old piles of magazines and some of Shikamaru's paperwork off the sofas so that both of them can sit. "…And I absolutely can't believe I survived that long with no company besides myself," Ino finishes dramatically, flinging herself down next to Sakura. "I really did think that I was going to go completely crazy. Anyway, what kind of insanity have _you_ been getting up to, with only Naruto and Sasuke here to keep you company?"

Sakura sighs, leaning back against the armrest. "Oh, Ino, you wouldn't even believe me if I told you."

The blonde grins in a fox-like way that is eerily reminiscent of Naruto. "Ooh, it must be good, then. Fill me in!"

Sakura can't help but wince at her best friend's misplaced enthusiasm. "…Ino-pig, what would you say if I told you that I had to seduce Uchiha Itachi?"

Ino stares back at her, looking completely aghast. "_No._"

Sakura grimaces. "Yes."

Ino scoots closer on the sofa, throwing suspicious glances around her apartment, as if she expects somebody like Naruto or Kiba to be hiding in the coat closet with a tape recorder in hand. "But – Sakura – you _can't._"

Sakura frowns upon eliciting this reaction for the second time in one day. "Why?"

Ino leans even closer, lowering her voice. "Because Itachi doesn't have hormones," she whispers, looking completely serious. "Word on the street is that the Uchiha Clan extracted them when he was young in order to keep him completely focused on their goals – that's why he's the way he is. _Asexual._ Kiba _swears_ that Itachi's going to shock us all by reproducing by budding someday, too – _ouch, _Sakura! You hit me!"

Sakura sighs deeply, leaving her best friend to rub her arm, looking very wounded. "Ino, did Naruto tell you that?"

Ino frowns, trying to remember where she had first heard the elusive conspiracy theory. "Yes…no…maybe? Perhaps? Anyway, it's just one of those universally known facts, Sakura. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Uchiha Itachi is completely asexual."

"Not necessarily, because you can't extract hormones," Sakura explains dutifully, while silently marveling at the reputation Itachi has gotten amongst the rest of the Konoha Twelve. "What's infinitely more likely is that Itachi is just…hormonally repressed, that's all."

Now, Ino sighs, bouncing slightly on the couch, while reaching for her glass of water. "Either way, it's all the same." She hesitates, an expression of deep thought sliding over her face. "…Wait, Sakura, why did you even bring Itachi and the topic of seduction up?" She raises an eyebrow knowingly. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Sakura backtracks, horrified, as she is all too familiar with Ino's overly speculative nature. "No, no, it's nothing like that. It's just, uh…"

Ino's eyes narrow in an obviously suspicious manner. "Because something tells me that this isn't a purely theoretical discussion we're having here."

Sakura swallows slightly, having the feeling that she liked talking to Ino a lot more before she started training in Interrogations and Questioning with Morino Ibiki. "Um…maybe?"

A thoroughly alarming expression, one that speaks of all the wrong conclusions being arrived at, settles over Ino's delicate features. "Oh, my Buddha!" she squeals. "What, my little Sakura-chan has a crush on her ex-boyfriend's sexy older brother Itachi? No _way_!"

Sakura chokes on her water, before reaching into the glass, grabbing an ice cube, and flinging it at her errant best friend. "What the _hell_ – no, Ino! No! Bad Ino! What have I told you about the stupid, crack-head theories about coming up with guys that I supposedly _like_, when in reality, I don't?"

Ino pouts exaggeratedly, easily catching the ice cube. "Don't insult my intelligence, Forehead Girl. Why else would you come around here asking questions about how to seduce Itachi?"

Sakura crosses her arms and glares. "Part of it is a matter of helping out a close friend. And part of it is simply a matter of pride."

Ino nods sagely, tapping her forehead with one elegantly manicured azure fingernail. "By 'matter of pride', you mean yet another stupid bet slash 'operation' with Sasuke and Naruto, right?"

Sakura gapes. "How did you—"

"Ibiki-sensei teaches me how to read minds," Ino says, with a completely straight face.

"So, the world is basically screwed," Sakura sighs humorously, before stretching her legs out on the sofa. "Anyway, Ino, do you have any advice for me, or do I have to go to a kunoichi who's older and more experienced in the ways of the world, like Hana-chan?"

"What?" Ino screeches, her focus re-captured. "You will do no such thing, Forehead Girl! I have advice! I _always_ have advice!"

Sakura can't help but smirk at how very predictable her best friend is. "Well, then, let's hear it."

Ino surveys her thoughtfully. "Well, first of all, because Chouji says that this is very important to know…what kind of foods does Itachi like the best?"

"Um…" Sakura hesitates. "Apparently, nobody's quite certain. I _think _he likes onigiri, because that's what our squad always eats when we're away from Konoha, but Sasuke's trying his best to find out for sure tonight at dinner."

"Hm," Ino considers this for a few moments, before looking Sakura's clothing over intently. "I hate these jounin uniforms, you know. Sure they convey a sense of equality and unity, and they're a mark of our high rank as Konoha shinobi, but honestly, _green turtlenecks_ and matching flak vests? It's horrible. They're murder for showing off one's assets."

Sakura cringes, unable to help wrapping her arms around herself protectively. "Assets? When did we go from onigiri to _assets_? And why have showing them off suddenly become a part of this conversation?"

Ino smirks. "Hey, you said _seduction,_ Sakura, and there are more ways to get to a man's heart than his stomach. Tomorrow's a weekend, and mostly everybody is going to be off-duty, so…" She gets off the couch and skips into the hallway, heading for her bedroom. "Hold on!"

Despite the fact that every one of Sakura's instincts is screaming for her to get the hell out of there before it's too late, she stays where she is, until Ino dashes back out. "About time, Ino-pig – ah, what the hell?" Sakura reaches up, pulling the scrap of red fabric that has just landed on her head to her eye level, and promptly blanches. "…Oh, you've got to be kidding."

Ino grins, sitting back down. "Me? Kid? _Never._"

"But Ino," Sakura says plaintively, staring at the silky, clinging, and disturbingly scant crimson-and-gold tank top that she holds in her hands. "It's _winter._"

"Early winter," Ino corrects superciliously. "It isn't even snowing yet."

"But," Sakura clutches the top between two fingers as if it is in danger of burning her, while searching frantically for any reason to avoid wearing it while in the presence of her icy squad leader. "Itachi never goes _out_, anyway, and this is your favorite bar-hopping shirt, so even if I wore it out tomorrow night, it would be totally wasted—"

Ino raises an eyebrow. "Sakura, who said you were wearing that and going out tomorrow night?"

Sakura stares at her, completely nonplussed.

"Is it or is it not true that you and Naruto often train on the Uchiha clan's private grounds?" Ino inquires sweetly.

"…Yes," Sakura mumbles.

"Is it or is it not true that these are the same grounds frequented by Itachi himself?"

Ino's tone is getting sweeter and sweeter, and Sakura gulps nervously. "…Yes."

"Now, is it true that you have run into him on occasion, and the two of you have sparred together?"

Sakura's jaw drops upon realizing exactly where her best friend is going with this, and she flings the top at Ino, completely scandalized. "Ino, no! It's winter, and I can't – _cavort_ – around Itachi's training grounds dressed like…like that! I would get hypothermia and my limbs would turn blue, and oh _Buddha_, he already makes fun of me enough – if he ran into me training in _that_, I would never hear the end of it!"

Ino grins wolfishly. "You wouldn't get hypothermia, Sakura-_chan._ I think Itachi would do his best to prevent that from happening to his favorite medic-nin…even if it involved wrapping himself all over you."

Taking advantage of the fact that Sakura has been reduced to speechlessness and is slowly turning as red as a tomato, thanks to the ensuing mental images of her prior statement, Ino smirks again, before flinging the flimsy crimson tank top back at her. "You're welcome, Sakura."

-

_Meanwhile, At The Uchiha Compound…_

-

Sasuke lounges at the dinner table, tossing a covert look back at what his mother is preparing for the night's meal. He identifies the distinctive rice balls and the scent of salted salmon immediately – interesting; so Sakura _had_ been right. Just to be safe, though…

"What's for dinner, Mother?" Sasuke asks innocuously, while crossing his fingers under the table and praying for her to confirm it—

"Onigiri, of course," Mikoto says brightly, as she sets the plates out on the table. "You know, Itachi's favorite."

Sasuke's eyes narrow with a kind of vindictive pleasure. _Perfect. _"Excellent," he murmurs.

As luck would have it, this is the exact moment that Itachi chooses to slip into the kitchen, and his dark eyes light on his younger brother, looking faintly suspicious. "What's excellent?" the clan heir inquires, taking his customary seat across from Sasuke.

Sasuke smirks slightly. "Why, you are, my dear aniki."

Itachi's eyes narrow, as well. "Do not play games with me, _foolish_ little brother."

Sasuke lifts his hands innocently. "Oh, but nobody's playing games with you, Itachi." …_Well –_ a slight smirk touches the corner of his lips again – _not yet, anyway._

-

_The Next Day_

-

Sakura curses under her breath, drawing her jacket closer around her body as she trudges through the almost iced-over streets near the Uchiha Compound. For the sake of secrecy, she doesn't enter through the main gates, instead going through a small side path in the bordering forest that separates the Hyuuga Compound from the Uchiha's.

From there, she can easily see Sasuke-kun's open bedroom window, and even a green-and-blonde blot inside that must be Naruto. The wind gusts again, and Sakura shivers, while cursing Ino's tank top and the far-too-thin jacket that she is wearing over it. Despite the fact that it is already late morning, there is no sunshine or warmth in the air whatsoever; the sky, and Konoha itself, are a determined shade of slate gray, and Sakura can practically sense the snow in the surrounding atmosphere.

She makes her way through the forest with ease, and crosses the empty training grounds immediately behind Sasuke's room. Naruto notices her then, and promptly dangles himself half out the window, his knees braced lightly on Sasuke's bed. "Oy, Sakura-chan! Come on!"

He sticks his arm out and she grabs it, and from safely within the room, Sasuke rolls his eyes, grabs Naruto by the back of the vest and pulls hard, and with two muffled shrieks, Sakura is roughly pulled into the room, Naruto topples backwards, on top of Sasuke, and the three of them all end up in a tangled heap on Sasuke's bed.

"Ow…" Sakura mumbles, before struggling into a sitting position, while accidentally elbowing Naruto in the face, and managing to slam Sasuke's window shut, effectively ceasing the flow of cold air into the room. "Remind me again why that was necessary?"

"Yeah," Naruto echoes, rubbing the back of his sore neck, before kicking Sasuke off him. "I don't think we've had to sneak in since that one time when we smuggled all those firecrackers in on the night before your fourteenth birthday and set them off from the roof…"

"This operation must be performed in complete and total secrecy," Sasuke glowers, after punching Naruto in the arm for kicking him. "I mean – I know that the Demon Spawn _can't_ know that something's up, but he seems oddly suspicious of my activities, nevertheless. And Sakura, you're right – he does like onigiri. I don't know what you intend to do with that information, but there you have it."

"Anyway, Sakura-chan," Naruto chirps, sliding to the edge of the bed. "What, uh…advice…did Ino have for you?"

Sakura fidgets uncomfortably, looking over at Sasuke instead. "Uh, Sasuke-kun – what time did you say that Itachi goes out to train?"

Sasuke throws a casual glance over at the alarm clock in the corner, before resuming his customary seat on the floor. "You have about fifteen minutes; enough time for you to inform us of your plan."

_Great._ Sakura shudders slightly at the prospect of what she is about to do, before her right hand unwillingly drifts to the zipper at the very top of her black jacket.

Sasuke raises an eyebrow at her, and Naruto gapes outright.

"That's it," Sakura snaps, folding her arms resolutely, while feeling her cheeks burn. "Close your eyes, both of you."

"Must be good then…lucky Itachi," Naruto mumbles resentfully, closing his eyes, and Sasuke follows suit.

Deciding that she most definitely hates her life, Sakura removes the jacket, and stands, shivering slightly, in the center of Sasuke's room. Silky, clingy, scant tank tops are all very good in the summer, yes, but they are _so_ not made for this time of year, even though her customary slim black pants and knee-high boots keep her legs more or less warm. Sakura sighs deeply, resigning herself to her fate. "You can open your eyes. If you must. But don't you _dare_ say anything, or this whole plan gets called off."

Sasuke and Naruto obediently open their eyes; predictably enough, Sasuke smirks, looking her up and down, and Naruto whistles.

Sakura's right hand curls into a fist, and Naruto instinctively hides himself behind Sasuke's pillow. "I didn't _say_ anything!"

"Sakura…dressed like that, you'll get hypothermia and freeze," Sasuke points out concisely.

Sakura rubs her already aching forehead. "Yeah, I know."

Naruto raises an eyebrow suggestively, elbowing Sasuke in the ribs. "But it's for a good cause, right, Sasuke-bastard?"

"Stop it, Naruto, I'm not going to tell you who it is," Sasuke drawls. "If you were smart, you could figure it out for yourself."

Naruto pulls a face, before turning to Sakura. "Sakura-chan! _You're_ smart, and you're good friends with all the kunoichi – do you have any idea?"

Sakura smiles secretively, sitting down next to him. "I have a couple of good ideas, actually."

Sasuke clears his throat firmly, obviously uncomfortable. "There is no need to talk about this. None whatsoever. The matter at hand here has solely to do with Sakura and Itachi."

Silence.

Sasuke winces, thinking better of it. "…I don't think I'll ever get used to saying that."

"Word," Naruto and Sakura reply fervently.

Deciding to get ready, Sakura stands up with a sigh, glancing out at the neighboring forest. It's a large expanse of land, and she doesn't exactly feel like frolicking through it in the freezing cold while just waiting to run into her theoretical 'prey.' "Okay – exactly where in the forest does Itachi usually go?"

Sasuke crosses over to the window, scans the area quickly, and then pinpoints the exact location with his gaze. "Right there – slightly to the west, right in front of his bedroom. He usually just ranges through that area until meeting the Hyuuga Clan boundaries." He looks over to her. "Ready to go?"

"Of course," Sakura smirks, trying to look as badass-and-determined-and-totally-_not-_nervous as possible.

Naruto grins, before bounding over and swinging the window open. "Fine then – let Act One of the Itachi Seduction Project commence, guys…"

-

Already shivering, Sakura stations herself in the clearing that Sasuke had pointed out. Unfortunately for her, the cold wind has picked up even further, and Sakura sets her jaw determinedly to keep her teeth from chattering. The _ridiculous_ things she does in the name of bestfriendship…hell, it's not like _Naruto_ is the one who is out on an expedition to seduce and date Uchiha Itachi, just so Sasuke could ask out his mystery kunoichi…

Unwillingly, a small laugh forces its way free of Sakura's throat as she suddenly imagines a revolted-looking Naruto wearing this very same tiny tank top, while trying to 'seduce' an equally repulsed-looking Itachi.

…Alright then; maybe the cold has gotten to her.

Deciding that she had better try to warm herself up, because she _so_ has better things to do than kick her heels and freeze in this outrageously revealing outfit until Itachi shows up, Sakura draws a substantial amount of chakra to her right fist. The waves of sudden power send a warm, tingling feeling all the way up and down her arm, and the pink-haired kunoichi smirks slightly. When she brings her fist to the ground, with movement-blurring speed, it takes the earth a few moments to register the impact, but when it does, the ground beneath her fractures at an impressive rate, sending splinters and cracks into the cold soil, and easily uprooting many heavy rocks that had previously been embedded into the earth.

Sakura watches, satisfied, as the rocks fly several feet into the air; when they crash back down again, creating small craters with the force of impact, the floor of the clearing shakes beneath her feet.

_Come and get me, Itachi._

-

Still trying to keep the cold at bay, Sakura fells yet another rotting oak tree with a single punch, before standing back to survey the results of her handiwork, looking even more self-satisfied than before.

_Of course,_ Itachi muses darkly, from where he watches the kunoichi from the shadows of one of the few intact trees, _she must decimate _my_ stretch of the forest…_

He had just slipped out of his bedroom window and entered the forest when he had felt the earth tremble beneath his feet; like any self-respecting shinobi, Itachi had tracked the source of the intrusive disturbance. It had not been difficult – all that was required for him to do was to follow the path of destruction that Sakura had quite cheerfully left in her wake. However, this was getting quite ridiculous…

Completely unaware as to the presence of her intended target, Sakura approaches another half-decayed tree, drawing yet more warm chakra to her exposed arm, and pulling her fist back—

"Cease and desist," Itachi commands quietly, emerging from the shadows behind her.

Sakura tenses immediately, recognizing the voice, and spins around to find her supposed _target_ staring her down…and looking a good deal scarier than usual. What the hell? She hadn't even sensed him coming, and the entire first act of the plan had been based on that!

Sakura fights the urge to gulp nervously, and fights the even larger urge to futilely tug her top down so that it can actually, well, cover some inches of uncomfortably exposed skin. "What are you doing here?" is her knee-jerk reaction, before Sakura visibly winces at her error – _shit, it's not like this is _his_ personal stretch of _his_ family's exclusive training grounds, or anything. _

Itachi's left eyebrow raises about a fraction of an inch, and maybe it's just the shadows, but it almost seems as if he had looked amused for a couple of moments. "I believe that I should be the one asking _you_ that."

Sakura can't help but laugh a little nervously, even as she crushes a rock to dust in her right fist. "I was just in the neighborhood?"

Itachi's left eyebrow climbs even higher. "…Indeed."

Sakura fights the urge to uproot the nearest tree and bash herself over the head with it. Despite the fact that, if forced to answer, the overwhelming majority of Konoha's male population _would_ say that she has grown to be one of the most beautiful young women in the entire village – there is a marked reason why Tsunade never, _ever_ sends her out on any missions that even have a whiff of the idea of _seduction_ in them.

This happens to be a prime example of the reason in question.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" Sakura remarks airily, while privately cursing Sasuke to the deepest, darkest, and most vile pits of hell for making her do this.

This time, there's no mistaking it; there is a definitely amused expression on Itachi's normally impassive features, as he takes in her less-than-climactically-appropriate clothing. "Of course. It is so lovely that your skin appears to be turning blue."

Sakura winces, and a quick look down at the exposed length of her shoulders and arms confirms Itachi's statement. _Great._ Blue, pink, crimson, and green – she doubts that anybody could clash more than she is at this moment. "I didn't notice," she replies truthfully.

"Yes," Itachi observes dryly. "After all, it is an universally acknowledged fact that completely decimating entire stretches of privately owned forest does wonders for keeping the cold at bay, is it not? Although," – despite her best efforts, Sakura can't help but blush as she feels his cool gaze traverse her stupid outfit again – "I can think of a few more _appropriate_ ways you could have gone about doing that."

_Damn him for being so unsettling,_ Sakura seethes quietly, although she takes care to keep her expression carefully innocuous. "Yes, well, both Kakashi-sensei and Tsunade-shishou have always told me that training in the raw elements does wonders for endurance," Sakura returns, with a purposely pointed look at the very sleek, yet warm-looking and fur-lined dark red jacket that he wears.

Itachi frowns slightly, picking up on the snub – as she knew he would. "Is that so?"

Sakura's eyes narrow as he undoes the fastenings on the front, before pulling it off entirely; underneath it, Itachi is only dressed in a black t-shirt and matching, loose-fitting pants, but he doesn't shiver (_or_ turn blue, she notices, displeased), upon being so suddenly faced with the chilly air.

The courteous course of action, of course, would be to offer the discarded jacket to the very obviously freezing female in front of him, but Itachi smirks a little, before tossing the jacket to the base of a nearby tree – he intends to show Sakura that two can play whatever twisted little game she is playing.

Sakura tries her best not to let herself stare at the discarded jacket with an expression of abject longing of her face, and instead redirects her focus toward her target. "…Impressive," she acknowledges coolly.

"I try," Itachi deadpans, before nudging what remains of one of the trees she had felled, with his foot.

Noticing the slight gesture, Sakura cracks her knuckles offhandedly. "Sorry," she apologizes, clearly not meaning a word of it. "They were going to die this winter, anyway."

"I had plans for these trees," Itachi replies evenly, meeting her gaze.

Now officially thrown for a loop, Sakura blinks. "…Plans?"

"Yes, I believe that's what I said," Itachi deadpans. "You will compensate me for the loss of this stretch of forest."

Upon registering this statement, Sakura blanches somewhat, fighting the urge to back away. _Compensate? Who was supposed to be seducing who here, anyway? _Shaking her head firmly and reminding herself that this is _Itachi_ she is dealing with, and therefore his word use would have hardly been likely to suggest some kind of innuendo, Sakura tries her best to make her tone just flirtatious enough to avoid bidding farewell to what pride she has left. "And how would I go about doing that?" she asks, through gritted teeth.

Itachi considers this for a few moments, and then decides that he may as well take advantage of the company of such a worthy opponent, even though the worthy opponent in question appears to be somewhat addled at the moment, as she is frolicking about in the midst of winter while dressed in such – _revealing_ – attire… 'endurance' granted through exposure to the elements aside. "Fight me."

This time, Sakura actually _does_ step back – she is fairly sure that whatever Ino had intended for her to be doing while wearing this top, _fighting_ hadn't been one of them. Hell, it's so flimsy that it could become easily dislodged or, uh…slide around…after just throwing – or taking – one punch. "But…don't you normally spar with Sasuke?" she asks, desperate to buy herself some time.

Itachi nods once. "Yes – but recently, he has been spending the majority of his time increasing his proficiency with weapons, and I have no interest in such things."

Despite the gravity of her situation, Sakura raises an eyebrow, her eyes sparkling wickedly upon receiving this gem of very valuable and suspicion-confirming information from such an unlikely source. "Oh, he has?"

Itachi watches the volatile kunoichi warily. "…Yes."

Every one of Sakura's nerves is screaming at her to start screaming and jumping up and down and clapping her hands, while Inner Sakura punches the air unashamedly, with a cry of victory. As it is, she just stares off into the distance with an unusually happy look on her face, Itachi's earlier query apparently forgotten – a very unusual reaction to the trivial information of his brother's newfound interest in weaponry, to be sure. Not for the first time, Itachi's curiosity is momentarily aroused…_is it possible that there is more going on here that meets the eye? _The very concept is enough to intrigue him.

"I'll fight you," Sakura says abruptly, shaking Itachi out of his brief reverie. "No chakra, just taijutsu."

Itachi arches an eyebrow – an interesting request; this is merely further proof that shinobi should never consider engaging in combat while under the influence of strong emotion. "Very well."

-

_One Hour Later…_

-

_Whoever believes that it is possible to be seductive, in any way, shape, or form _whatsoever_ during a physical spar…_

…_Is completely mental. _

Sakura curses, barely manages to avoid tripping and falling facedown on an exposed tree root, even _more_ narrowly manages to avoid inadvertently giving Itachi a faceful of cleavage by doing so (even though Ino and even Naruto and Sasuke would argue that that would be _the point _of this entire exercise), and, in a moment of sheer, complete luck, punches him solidly in the jaw.

It is an extraordinarily hard hit, enough to shatter his icy self-control by tilting his head a fraction of an inch to the right, while simultaneously cracking all seven vertebrae in his neck. Still, the fact that Sakura's limbs are nearly numb with cold makes her a tiny bit slower in the act of retracting her fist, and Itachi, predictably enough, catches sight of and acts upon the window of opportunity.

His icy grip locks around her still-outstretched wrist, before Itachi spins around, with speed that could easily rival his elder cousin Shisui's, and sends her colliding, back-first, into one of the few intact trees remaining in the clearing. Sakura gasps with pain as her breath leaves her body in a ragged gasp, and her knees buckle underneath her, sending her to the ground – but the first thing she does is arch her back, looking over her shoulder desperately. She sighs with pure relief to find that the crimson tank top is still, miraculously, intact – a little wrinkled, yes, but there are no rips or tears, which is good, because Ino would freakin' _cry_ herself to sleep if her favorite top got wrecked.

"It's nice to know where your priorities lie," Itachi observes dryly, before grabbing Sakura by the wrist he hadn't bruised earlier, and pulling her upright with ease. "Dress more practically next time."

Sakura rubs her hands up and down her freezing limbs, gritting her teeth to keep them from chattering. "That throw," she shivers, trying to ignore the throbbing in her back, "was _not_ free of chakra."

Itachi sends her an outright amused glance. "I think the cold must be interfering with your perception, Sakura."

Insulted, she makes a most decidedly _un-_seductive face at him, before watching Itachi pick up his discarded and very warm-looking jacket.

Then, however, the jacket in question makes solid contact with her chest, and Sakura scrambles to catch it before it can fall to the ground. "What—"

"Put it on," Itachi instructs, his tone leaving no room for argument.

"But I don't—"

"_Now._"

Glowering at him, while silently reflecting upon the fact that both Itachi and Sasuke are most decidedly ungracious on the very, _very_ rare occasions that they allow others to share their precious jackets, Sakura pulls Itachi's jacket on and fastens it securely. To her dismay, can't help but sigh deeply when her mostly-bare skin makes contact with the warm fur lining. If she didn't know better, she could _swear_ that it's chakra-heated in some way; it even smells strongly of the distinctive smoke, ash, and fire of Itachi's Katon and Ryuuka techniques.

"Better, isn't it?" Itachi asks dryly, as they begin to make their way out of the forest.

_Smug bastard. _That fact doesn't stop Sakura from drawing the jacket closer around her body, veritably snuggling in the more-than-welcome warmth. "I suppose," she admits grudgingly. Her gaze flickers toward the distant line of trees in the front of the forest – and she almost jumps when she notices the distinctive blonde blot of Naruto's hair, leaning out of Sasuke's window, while obviously looking back and forth for her.

Sakura's eyes widen slightly. _Great._ Before Itachi happens to look that way, she steps in front of him suddenly, while cursing her bad luck. "So," Sakura actually manages to purr, much to her mingled amazement and mortification, as she reaches up toward the fastenings of the jacket and begins to undo them slowly, exposing the pale skin of her completely exposed collarbone and upper chest. "…Since this is such a wonderful jacket and all, when would you be interested in getting it back?"

For all of about three seconds, the infamous Itachi is actually rendered completely speechless for reasons unknown, before he looks away quickly, managing to recover himself somewhat. "Keep it."

"How _very_ kind of you," Sakura purrs, albeit in a rather predatory way; she is about to take a step toward the rather alarmed-looking Itachi, when – _thankfully _– she catches sight of Naruto's head disappearing back into the window. _Safe!_

Itachi actually retreats a pace, having suddenly been thrown completely out of his element. "You are…welcome?"

And, just like that, the very confusing Sakura offers him a sweet smile and gets the _hell_ out of there, vanishing from sight in about two seconds flat, while yelling something after her about seeing him tomorrow.

Itachi blinks, and stands there, completely rooted to the spot.

…Was it just some sort of hallucination brought on by extensive Sharingan use, or had _Sakura, _the ever-foolish Sasuke's prospective future girlfriend, just come on to him?

-

"You owe me," Sakura explodes furiously, as soon as she climbs back into Sasuke's window. She points a menacing finger at Sasuke. "I just shamelessly and purposely came on to _your_ older brother – _my_ direct superior and squad leader – just so _you_ could get the chance to ask Te—your prospective future girlfriend out! Damn it, you two _better_ name your first daughter after me, or I'm going to be pissed!"

Naruto gapes; he hasn't seen Sakura this visibly shaken since their jounin exams. Meanwhile, Sasuke actually tackles her and Naruto to the ground in an attempt to keep them silent. "Shut up! You don't want the Demon Spawn to _hear_ us, do you?"

Once the three of them have clawed themselves onto proper sitting positions on Sasuke's bed, Naruto throws one of the pillows playfully at Sakura. "Come on, Sakura-chan, don't keep us in suspense! How did Act One of the Itachi Seduction Project go?"

Sakura smiles reluctantly, unable to stay angry in the presence of her two best friends, as crazy as they are, and she pulls Naruto and Sasuke closer by the collars of their vests. "Okay, so, this is what happened…"

-

Itachi stalks down the hallways of the house on the way to his room, trying to sort out his mass of theories for the recent odd behavior displayed by the members of Team Seven, when—

"_No way!_"

The voice is loud, and very distinctive – Uzumaki Naruto's, without a doubt, and coming from behind Sasuke's closed bedroom door, too. Itachi frowns slightly; when had he come over? Until he had left for the forest and encountered Sakura, Itachi had been sitting at the front of the house talking to his mother…for Naruto to have entered the compound without attracting their notice must have meant that the young jounin had snuck in through the forest.

Just to make things even more perplexing, Itachi hears the muffled sounds of pillows making contact with unprotected flesh. "Shut up, dumbass!"

That is, unmistakably, Sasuke's voice, and despite the admonition, Naruto yelps again. "No, Sakura-chan, don't hit me!"

_Sakura._

Itachi raises an eyebrow, intrigued. _What—_

All he can hear are snatches of soft conversation; Sasuke has done a good job of establishing chakra shields around his room.

"So, that went well…"

"…Any indication that he thinks of you as…"

"…have his _jacket_, Sakura…"

"…move on to Act Two as soon as possible…"

Itachi's eyes narrow, as he quietly slips away from his foolish little brother's room, not wanting to risk detection; he has heard enough.

Team Seven is _definitely_ up to something.

And one thing is for sure – Itachi most certainly does not like it.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

Oh snap.

Feedback very much appreciated!


	4. Things Get Hotter

_As always, thank you so much to everybody who reviewed. :) You guys are so cool. Oh, and by the way – onigiri is basically white rice balls, filled with pickled ume fruit, salted salmon, or any other salty or sour ingredient in the middle for flavoring. According to the, uh, Internet, it also happens to be Itachi's favorite food. _

_-_

_Chapter Four: Things Get Hotter_

_-_

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura hisses, under her breath. "This is _stupid._"

Sasuke gives her a look, obviously scandalized at having an idea of his called 'stupid.' "Sakura. This is most definitely not stupid. As a matter of fact, it is a carefully thought out and extremely well planned operational strategy that is guaranteed to give us the results that we desire."

Sakura glares at him. "What the hell? You and Naruto came up with it two nights ago, while you were both drunk out of your minds! Don't lie so blatantly, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke just smirks.

Sakura glares harder in response. "…What would your mother say?" she snaps, at last.

Sasuke blanches. "Don't bring Mother into this. Although," he hesitates, thinking it over. "Knowing her, she would just be happy that _one_ of us is going to end up dating you, even though we're utilizing slightly drastic measures…"

"True," Sakura acknowledges with a sigh, before she stands on her tiptoes, scanning the crowded market anxiously. "Because forcing me, your beloved and loyal female teammate, to seduce your elder brother and the heir to the clan, leading him down the path of wicked temptation by distracting him from his noble duty as ANBU Captain – just so _you_ can get what you want – that's only _slightly _drastic, right?"

Sasuke coughs to mask his laughter. "As Kakashi-sensei insists on telling us to this very day, Sakura, it's all a matter of perspective." Due to the fact that he is almost a good foot taller than her, he is able to glance through the crowds of people with considerably more ease, until he spots the distinctive blonde mop of hair fighting its way back to them. "…The dumbass is coming back, by the way."

"_Finally._" Sakura cranes her neck, until she finally catches sight of the remaining member of Team Seven. "Did he get the salmon?"

"Looks like it," Sasuke acknowledges, and then nods to the heavy bag of rice that he is carrying with ease. "Which means that we'll be ready to go."

Just in time, the panting and obviously unused-to-rush-hour-market-time Naruto arrives in front of them, cradling a bag containing a few cuts of fresh salmon in his arms. "I am the _master_ bargainer," he grins triumphantly. "Merchants cower in fear and terror when they see me!"

Sakura rolls her eyes affectionately. "This isn't like the time you paid six months' worth of mission wages for those stupid green fluffy slippers, right?"

"Hey, hey, Sakura-chan!" Naruto pouts outrageously. "Those are genuine collectible Godzilla-feet fluffy slippers you're talking about, okay?"

"It was still completely _ridiculous_, Naruto—"

Sighing at the laid-back squabbling between his two teammates, Sasuke grabs the salmon out of Naruto's hands as well, before leading the two of them back to Sakura's apartment. It is early evening, just before sunset, and the almost crimson-gold rays of sunshine let in through the window light Sakura's entire small but neat living space with an almost ethereal glow.

"Aww, it's such a pretty evening, Sakura-chan!" Naruto exclaims, before flinging himself down on one of the battered, ivory-colored leather sofas in the living room, and waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "It's going to be the perfect night for _romance_…"

He draws the last word out in his most obnoxiously high-pitched tone, and her dignity as a mature jounin and kunoichi forgotten, Sakura grabs the nearest cushion and flings it at his face. "Don't give me that, Uzumaki! This stupid…_plan_…of yours and Sasuke-kun's is going to end in absolute disaster, I know it!"

"Why, Sakura," Sasuke drawls, as he sets the salmon and rice down on her kitchen counter. "This degree of pessimism doesn't become you."

"Yeah, that's supposed to be Sasuke-bastard's job, remember?" Naruto chips in.

Sakura gives a martyred sigh. "When it comes to _me_ and _cooking_, Naruto, I'm allowed to be pessimistic. Do you remember when I tried to make you that cake last year, for your birthday?"

Naruto and Sasuke blanch in unison. "…Yes…"

"Do you remember when Kakashi-sensei decided it would be a great idea for us to go on a picnic together, and he assigned _me_ to be the official provider of the barbecued chicken?" Sakura asks sweetly.

Sasuke fights the urge to gag at the memory, while Naruto laughs nervously. "…Yes…"

Sensing victory, Sakura narrows her eyes and goes in for the kill. "Do you remember the last time I tried to make ramen?"

Naruto almost bursts into tears at the memory of how his favorite food in the entire world had been butchered at the hands of his beloved female teammate. "Yes!"

Sakura places her hands on her hips, tapping a deadly pattern out on the floor with her foot. "After this little memory refreshing exercise…what have all of my prior attempts at cooking ended in, _boys_?"

"Charred ash, disaster, tears, and heartbreak," Sasuke and Naruto chorus dutifully.

"Exactly!" Sakura crows. "So _how_ is it a good idea that _I, _the worst cook in Konoha,make Itachi onigiri, hm? Will one of you two genii explain this to me?"

Naruto scratches his head sheepishly. "I don't quite remember how we came up with this…maybe it was because…uh…it would be sexy? If you wore a little apron and stuff…ah, no, Sakura-chan, put the cushion down! Please!"

Sakura glares at the cowering blonde balefully, although she only lowers the cushion a fraction of an inch. "Let me guess, it made a whole lot more sense when you were drunk?"

Naruto offers her his most winning smile. "Of course!"

"Well," Sasuke muses thoughtfully. "Itachi loves onigiri. It's probably the only thing he loves in the world, besides Mother and causing other people pain. I also know for a fact that the Demon Spawn considers the ability to make tasty onigiri to be an exceptional skill – he ranks Mother's ability to make good onigiri to be right up there with her specialized Ryuuka techniques, and even our father can't specialize his Katon and Ryuuka like Mother can, so that says a lot. Furthermore, Itachi already has a great deal of respect for _you, _after seeing your extraordinary abilities as a medic and your chakra-enhanced taijutsu—"

"—Could've fooled me," Sakura mutters in an undertone.

Sasuke smirks, and continues. "—If he discovers that you also have the capability to make onigiri that is on the level of our mother's, it is likely that Itachi will be completely won over and find you absolutely irresistible."

Naruto elbows Sasuke in the ribs. "Oy, oy, Sasuke-bastard, but we don't _want_ Itachi to find our Sakura-chan absolutely irresistible! That could lead to some very, very bad things!" he whispers frantically.

Sakura watches, amused, as Sasuke pales slightly. "Point taken. So, uh, Sakura – make your onigiri good, but not _that_ good. And just to be safe, don't wear an apron. …But if you really want to, make sure you wear something decently modest underneath it."

"Such precise instruction, Sasuke-kun," Sakura says dryly. "Also, you and Naruto's logic never fails to bemuse me."

Naruto gives her his trademark irrepressible grin. "We try, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura laughs, before throwing one of the dish towels at him playfully. "Well, stop _trying_, and you two – come in here and start helping me make it, because I have no idea how to do this."

To her surprise, Sasuke shakes his head slightly. "No can do, Sakura. You have to be in the process of making the onigiri by _yourself_ when Phase Two of the operation commences."

Sakura gapes at him, almost lost for words. "You mean – after all that, you still don't get it? You told me to make _good_ onigiri, and now you're leaving me to do it by myself? That is so completely counterproductive – hell, this is going to be like the Ramen Incident all over again! By the time Phase Two commences, my apartment is probably going to be burned to the ground already!"

Sasuke can't help but snicker upon seeing her livid expression, even though he sticks a hand in his pocket, and withdraws a rolled-up sheet of paper. "You'll be fine, Sakura. Look, my mother even sent her special recipe over."

Sakura moans with despair as she looks at the detailed instructions. "Recipes didn't help with the barbecued chicken, Sasuke-kun…"

"It's okay, Sakura-chan!" Naruto bounds over and flings his arms around her and Sasuke in an enforced group hug. "We have the utmost faith in you!"

"…Well, then, you're screwed," Sakura mutters darkly, her voice muffled by Naruto's flak vest.

Naruto pats her on the head. "No, no, it'll be fine, Sakura-chan."

"I agree with the dumbass," Sasuke smirks. "Speaking of which – hey, dumbass, we need to go and catalyze Phase Two of the plan."

Sakura clings to Naruto, too desperate to worry about her pride. "Don't you dare leave me alone here!"

"It's just a kitchen, Sakura – I know you've never spent more than five minutes in it before, but it won't hurt you," Sasuke assures, before dragging Naruto off her.

Naruto waves dejectedly. "Bye, Sakura-chan! Get ready for Phase Two, and remember your water-based jutsu if things get out of control like last time!"

Sasuke smirks at her one last time as he and Naruto leave. "Later, Sakura."

In privacy, Sakura's forehead makes a solid sound as it collides with her kitchen table. After a few muttered curses, she lifts her head up wearily, only to find the bag of rice and the fresh cuts of salmon staring at her in a decidedly mocking fashion.

Sakura considers crawling into her coat closet and hiding there for a few weeks, but her sense of duty reasserts itself, and she drags herself to her feet, before taking another look at Mikoto's recipe.

A few moments pass.

Sakura rotates the sheet of paper one hundred and eighty degrees, tilting her head experimentally, to see if that will help.

It doesn't.

After another few minutes of intense scrutiny, Sakura deduces that the first step in the making of onigiri is to…cook the rice.

Sakura directs a nervous look at the as-yet-unused rice cooker, which had been a housewarming gift from Ino's parents, and then back at her bag of raw rice.

_How hard can it be_? Sakura asks herself, before grabbing a steak knife from one of the nearby drawers and beginning to saw the bag open. …_Right_?

Inner Sakura, meanwhile, smacks her head, while in the process of seriously contemplating suicide.

-

_Meanwhile…_

-

The young chunin backs away from Naruto, looking most decidedly uneasy. "Um…Naruto…are you okay?"

Naruto beams at his young disciple, before striking a noble pose. "Of course, Konohamaru! What's gotten into you? You look very…green…all of a sudden."

Konohamaru folds his arms, giving his mentor a skeptical look. "You want me to become the Seventh Hokage after you retire, right, Naruto?"

Naruto nods happily. "Of course; that's why I've been teaching you so much awesome stuff for all these years…it's never too early to start, right?"

Without further ado, Konohamaru punches Naruto in the arm. Hard.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Naruto doubles over, rubbing the arm in question with a very wounded expression on his face. "Konohamaru, my precious unofficial student! What the hell?"

Konohamaru fairly looms over him in all of his righteous teenage wrath. "If you want me to _live_ to become Seventh Hokage," he grits out ominously, before making a sweeping gesture toward the amused-looking Sasuke, "then why the _hell_ would you ask me to attack _his _older brother? He's the ANBU Captain, for Buddha's sake, and I'm just a chunin! He'll skin me alive and use my hide for a lampshade!"

"That's a bit crass for the Demon Spawn, actually," Sasuke advises Konohamaru sagely. "He would rather cut out your larynx and use it for a hair tie."

Konohamaru shudders deeply, looking even more green.

"Relax, Konohamaru," Naruto persuades, flinging an arm around the sixteen-year-old's shoulder. "We're not asking you to perform a serious attempt on Itachi's life, or anything. All that's going to happen is that, in about half an hour, he's going to be walking this way on his way back from work, and you're going to _happen_ to be practicing weapons in this area…you know what I'm saying?"

Konohamaru gulps visibly. "Sounds like an attempt on his life to me…"

"No way," Naruto declares. "Since Itachi walks around all half-visible and slinking in the shadows all the time, and it's almost sunset, it's pretty easy not to see him – he's stealthy like that."

Konohamaru frowns. "_I_ could see him – I mean, I see him every evening around this time, anyway, since these are _my_ training grounds he cuts through on his route home."

"He doesn't know that," Sasuke cuts in smoothly. "Being the dutiful young shinobi you are, today you will be practicing your skill with projectile weapons. However, as you are still a chunin – albeit an exceptionally skilled one – you could hardly be blamed if, in one momentary lack of control or precision, one of your kunai or shuriken misses the target and flies into the shadows…where my brother just _happens_ to be, of course…"

"Just grazing his arm slightly," Naruto supplies. "Upper arm, if you can manage. A six-inch shallow gash would be absolutely perfect, right, Sasuke-bastard? Not severe enough to really _hurt_ him, but definitely severe enough to require the immediate attention of the most capable medic-nin around…"

Sasuke inclines his head, a somewhat wicked look in his dark eyes. "Mm."

Konohamaru stares at the two older jounin, astonished. "You guys are _so _weird…why do you want me to do this?"

Naruto grins in his most fox-like way. "You wouldn't believe us even if we told you, Konohamaru. Now, this is what we need to do…"

-

_Sakura's Apartment_

-

"Oh, Buddha, please have mercy!" Praying frantically, Sakura fairly dances around her mysteriously whistling rice cooker, at a complete loss as to what to do. She considers giving it one of her infamous punches, but in that case, it would just rocket out of the window, scattering its undoubtedly radioactive contents all over the innocent village—

Bracing herself, Sakura grabs an oven mitt and yanks the lid off the rice cooker. A veritable explosion of steam diffuses into the kitchen, sending the kunoichi scuttling to retreat on the other side of the refrigerator as she watches the slowly-cooling rice with an expression of the utmost suspicion on her face.

So the rice cooker had overheated.

Great. As if this little _expedition_ needed a more ominous start.

When Sakura judges her surroundings to be safe, she tiptoes over to the cooker warily, before standing on her tiptoes and peering into it – as promised, it is full of sticky, steaming hot white rice. She prods it once, wrinkling her nose…slightly overcooked, yes, but definitely edible-looking.

As she spoons the contents of the rice cooker out into a plate, Sakura glances over at Mikoto's recipe once again, and once she registers the next step, her feelings of horror only increase.

_Mold_ the rice into one half of the signature triangle shape? While grilling the salmon on high heat until lightly browned?

Wincing all the way, Sakura grabs the nearest pan out of a cupboard and sets it on the stove, after cranking the dial on it as far to the 'red' side as it will go. Then, she empties what looks like an appropriate amount of oil into it, and then settles two of the cuts of salmon into the pan, before jumping out of the way of the sizzling oil.

Now that that's taken care of, Sakura looks toward the rice, while wondering how to mold it into half of a triangular shape. A few more tentative prods and attempts at shaping do nothing, as the rice merely collapses back into its customary glutinous form. Scowling impatiently at the irritatingly defiant rice, she pulls chakra to her open palm; obviously, this is the only way that she could possibly do it…

-

_Somewhere Near Konohamaru's Training Grounds_

-

Itachi slinks through the nearly completely shadowed forest, completely preoccupied in thought. Not too far away, he hears the echoes of voices, and the repeated thud of metal slicing into wood, and he remembers that his normal route home _does_ border the chunin training grounds, after all.

Itachi glances over into the nearby clearing; predictably enough, a teenaged chunin is throwing kunai and shuriken into the nearby trees, presumably working on his accuracy. The ANBU Captain frowns slightly, finally recognizing the boy. It is the Third's grandson, Sarutobi Konohamaru – said to be the most promising shinobi of his graduating class. True enough, Konohamaru shows above average power and speed, although he is lacking somewhat in accuracy with his weapons. This could be easily rectified with some practice, however, but Itachi presses himself further into the shadows; some of the kunai are coming a little too close to him for comfort.

Konohamaru's technique with weapons is somewhat familiar, and it takes a few moments for Itachi to place it, but when he does, his eyes widen with recognition. Of course. Uzumaki Naruto isn't an official jounin-sensei, but he has taken Konohamaru under his wing; no wonder their styles are so similar.

Speaking of Naruto – well, not to mention his own foolish little brother, and Sakura…

Even after quite a while spent in intense thought about the subject, Itachi still does not know what Team Seven is scheming, and this bothers him greatly. All three of them have been disturbingly secretive of late, without even mentioning Sakura's odd and very uncharacteristic behavior during the latter part of their spar. Could it be possible that—

The whistling of a shuriken interrupts his train of thought, and Itachi's eyes narrow, as he ducks behind an old oak tree in the nick of time. The blade had missed his chest by a few inches, but skimmed his left arm instead, leaving a long, shallow gash, about six inches long. His hand goes to his arm, and even in the dim, shadowed light, he can see the red on it when he draws it back.

Itachi can just make out Konohamaru stomping around and loudly complaining to himself about missing the bulls-eye, and despite the wound that the young chunin has unwittingly inflicted on him, Itachi smirks; for some reason, the boy reminds him of his own younger brother, and there would be no point in revealing his presence and intimidating Konohamaru into tears for such a trivial wound.

Instead, Itachi slips deeper into the forest, following a path that will lead him back to the rest of the village, instead of the Uchiha Compound. The wound is not serious, yes, but it is not something that he should attempt to bandage and treat alone – and there is only one other person whom he trusts enough to do it for him, even though the aforementioned person is part of the ever-redoubtable Team Seven…

-

From their place, concealed by genjutsu on the far side of the forest, Sasuke and Naruto exchange smirks upon seeing Itachi head in the direction of Sakura's apartment.

"Good job, Konohamaru!" Naruto yells, with his customary exuberance, as he releases the camouflaging genjutsu.

"He didn't suspect a thing," agrees Sasuke.

Konohamaru sighs with relief, wiping his forehead. "Good – because I was so nervous I thought I was going to cry."

"Okay, you're coming with us, kid," Naruto declares. "Because skills like that _deserve _some hardcore ramen!"

Konohamaru cheers, but Sasuke hesitates momentarily, before catching up with Konohamaru and Naruto. "Should we warn Sakura first?"

Naruto flaps his hand cheerily. "No, no, this is Sakura-chan we're dealing with, remember? I'm sure she's got the situation completely under control, and is in the middle of making plates and plates worth of delicious onigiri to feed to your evil older brother, before bending him to her will…"

Sasuke sighs, resigned. "If you say so."

-

_Sakura's Apartment_

-

"Oh, Buddha _damn_ it!" Sakura blows on the smoking and disturbingly burnt-looking salmon frantically, before hopping over to her somewhat lumpily molded half-triangle of rice and dumping an entire satchet of furikake seasoning on top of it.

Stupid Itachi. This whole crazily troublesome business of _seducing_ him had better turn out to be worth it…

With a quick look at the clock, Sakura decides that her kitchen is unlikely to blow itself up if she leaves it on its own for a few moments, and dashes off into her bedroom, looking for something besides her oil-and-rice-splattered t-shirt to wear. She'd rather dig up her sorry, failed attempt at barbecue chicken from where it had been buried in the ground and _eat_ it than wear any sort of apron in Itachi's presence, and despite the purpose of this entire mission, she also doesn't want to look like she's trying too hard to come on to him.

Sakura can't help but smirk as she rummages through her closet, remembering the expression on Itachi's face when she had given him that weird little pseudo-striptease _thing_ in the forest, with his jacket. She has no doubt that Itachi would have found it just as unpleasant and mortifying as she had – but still, the look on his face had been absolutely priceless.

At last, Sakura settles on the silken, knee-length crimson-and-silver spaghetti strap wrap dress that Tenten had given her for her last birthday; it may be a little bit too formal for a kunoichi who's supposedly just kicking her heels at home while making onigiri for the hell of it, but she'll be damned if she wears that short, strapless emerald cocktail gown that Ino had thought would make an absolutely _hilarious _birthday present. After a few hasty swipes of makeup and tossing her long hair into a casual sort of ponytail to offset the dress, Sakura rushes out of her bedroom, and almost trips on a stray pair of shoes when she hears a suspicious beeping sound coming from the kitchen.

The kind of beeping sound that various kitchen appliances are known to emit when some sort of food is in danger of incinerating itself.

Borrowing all of Tsunade-shisou's most violent and vitriolic profanities for her personal use on this very deserving situation, Sakura dashes into the kitchen, and almost slips on the blood on the floor on her way to check on the probably-on-fire salmon.

Wait.

_Blood on the floor_?

Sakura spins around, horrified, to find Itachi leaning casually against her refrigerator, holding a paper towel to what appears to be a shuriken gash on his upper left arm.

…_So, when Sasuke-kun and Naruto say, 'for Phase Two, we'll arrange for Itachi to pay a little visit to your apartment,' this is what they mean? _Inner Sakura demands, smacking herself in the forehead.

Itachi, for his part, merely raises an eyebrow at her, as if he performs this sort of home invasion on a regular basis. "Hello. Your salmon is burning."

Sakura gives him an incredulous look as she makes her way over to him gingerly, a flame of chakra already appearing in her outstretched right hand. "I never thought I'd say this, but right now, you're a higher priority than the salmon."

"It is an honor," Itachi deadpans, even as he watches Sakura slide her chakra-covered palm down his arm, sealing the gash as she goes. It is a minor procedure, compared to other things she has done for their squad, but the degree chakra control it takes for such an astonishingly quick and thorough healing is immense.

Sakura makes it a point to let her touch linger on his arm for a few moments longer than necessary, and a few more moments, on top of that, to make sure that he notices. Itachi does, of course, and he raises an eyebrow again, a faint trace of amusement flickering across his normally impassive features. "Rather dressy, aren't we?" he observes evenly, and he can't help but wonder – he hasn't seen his younger brother all day, after all…

Sakura is surprised, at first – since when did Itachi notice such mundane things as her dress? Then, recovering herself, she takes advantage of the moment and flutters her eyelashes at him. "I'm not going out…if that's what you're asking."

"I wasn't aware that I was asking anything," Itachi returns impassively, even though he is somewhat startled that she had somehow managed to guess the direction of his thoughts.

Sakura gives him her most coy look – the one that has sent his younger brother and Naruto running for the hills on several prior occasions – over her shoulder, before trying her best to achieve a cool, collected saunter over to the stove to check on the burning salmon. This effect is spoiled somewhat by her almost tripping over her own feet while trying to make sure that her hips sway in the proper fashion, and as Sakura stumbles forward and curses softly, she is absolutely _sure_ that she hears Itachi make an amused sound in the back of his throat.

Trying determinedly to ignore the blush working its way across her face, Sakura pokes the almost-blackened salmon slightly with her spatula, and can't help but sigh, visibly upset. "Great," she mutters. _Stupid_ Sasuke and Naruto; she is so going to kick their asses at the next possible opportunity…

Despite the fact that she is in the depths of despair, Sakura is aware of Itachi approaching her; even the stoic eldest Uchiha isn't immune to the fundamental human need to stop and stare at extreme, crash-and-burn disasters. Disasters like island-wrecking tsunamis, gory kunai fights, and her personal attempts at cooking.

"…Interesting," Itachi observes clinically, before extending one long finger and poking the blackened cut of salmon. "The flesh seems to have undergone severe degenerative burning."

"Yes," Sakura glowers. "I am very much aware of this fact, thank you very much."

Itachi glances over at the half-formed triangular prisms of now-cold rice on the nearby plate, as well as the very familiar ingredients scattered around the kitchen. "Onigiri?" he inquires, somewhat intrigued – their squad often eats it when they are away from Konoha, but he had been under the impression that Sakura preferred shrimp rolls and sushi.

Sighting the window of opportunity offered by this statement, Sakura turns the heat off the destroyed salmon, before turning back to him. It takes a moment for her to realize that Itachi is directly in front of her, trapping her between him and the stove – a good position to take advantage of. She leans her elbows back against the edge of the stove, tossing her head back casually to look up at him. "I wanted to try something new, and Sasuke-kun once mentioned that these are your favorite."

"Hm," Itachi considers this for a moment, obviously skeptical, while looking down at her, through his long, sooty eyelashes. "And this would have influence over your desire for increased variety within your…meals?"

If it were anyone else, Sakura would go all out and possibly reach out and touch his chest, but she is unable to forget that this is _Itachi_, and he may be the most attractive man she knows…but he is also far by the most intimidating. As it is, she settles with another one of the disturbingly sweet looks. "Maybe, but, as you can probably see," – Sakura gestures toward the tableau of destruction around her kitchen, while trying to flutter her eyelashes even more; it's a lot harder than it looks – "it's my first time."

Itachi's eyes narrow slightly. "Really. I would never have guessed." Protocol dictates that he technically has no place in his medic's kitchen at any time – especially not when said medic is dressed like _this_, but he almost cannot stand to see his favorite food butchered in this fashion, especially since, over the years, he has become quite adept at cooking the food in question himself.

It takes all of Sakura's willpower to keep her gaze as innocent as possible, even as she takes a step forward, placing herself even closer to Itachi. "Do you think that you could possibly teach me how?" she purrs, realizing with mixed feelings that she has actually gotten _better_ at that.

One of Itachi's eyes twitches a little. "…How to what?" he asks guardedly; for the life of him, he cannot figure out why on earth Sakura seems to be so – vivacious – tonight.

Sakura laughs, tossing her hair back, and realizes, with a stab of vindictive pleasure, that his gaze follows the subtle movement, before Itachi quickly looks away, aware of the lapse. "Cook onigiri, of course."

Itachi takes a moment to answer, wariness written in every one of his features, and in a moment of calculation, Sakura purposefully brushes against his leanly muscled chest on her way to retrieve the few undamaged cuts of salmon that she has remaining. "Your instruction would be very much appreciated," she finishes softly, using her best imitation of the silky tone that _he_ often baits her with.

Itachi watches her return to him, holding two more cuts of salmon; in response to his scrutiny, Sakura leans on the counter in a way that ever-so-slightly accentuates her slender figure and pouts just a _tiny_ bit, in a way that makes it completely impossible to see that what little bits that were left of her pride have just been effectively smashed into pieces by these flirtatious gestures.

Itachi wavers visibly, before redirecting his gaze to an innocuous spot on the kitchen wall; tersely, he wonders when it had become so unsafe to do so much as _look_ at his brother's teammate, whom he has known since she had been twelve. "Very well."

He misses the way her eyes narrow triumphantly – _hell yes, point for us! _Inner Sakura cheers, and even Sakura's conscious self has to admit that it's probably not just her being hypersensitive; Itachi definitely looks unsettled. She bites her lip to hide a smirk as Itachi fetches her a new pan, turns the stove on, and pours two tablespoons of oil into the pan, in only a few quick, graceful movements – he seems to be working extraordinarily hard to regain his customary focus by completely avoiding her gaze.

The awkwardness fairly radiates from him in waves, even though his movements are as smooth as ever, and Sakura is surprised to feel a very tiny prickling of something approaching remorse. Maybe she shouldn't be enjoying pushing the Uchiha prodigy's buttons quite so much, regardless of her situation. After all, it is slowly becoming almost painfully obvious that she is pushing him farther and farther out of his depth.

Sakura struggles with this fact for a few moments, until…

"Sakura, are you going to make yourself useful by helping me repair the horrifying damage you have done to this innocent rice, or not?" Itachi inquires dryly.

Sakura glares at his back. On second thought – maybe she _isn't_ pushing his buttons as much as she should be, if he's still capable of snarking at her in his insufferable manner. "Why, of course, _Itachi_," she says, in her sweetest tone, as she slinks toward the plate of rice. Now that it is cold, however, it is even harder to shape than before, and Sakura tosses a look over her shoulder, watching him flip the salmon, handling the spatula with an expert grip. Ah. So _that's_ what she had forgotten to do…

She waits for Itachi to look over at her once the salmon has been taken care of, and, predictably enough, he raises an eyebrow disbelievingly upon seeing the mess she has made of the rice. "Sakura. Do you, ah – require assistance?"

Inner Sakura grins wolfishly. _Oh, _bad_ thing to ask, Itachi-kun._

Outer Sakura just nods her acknowledgement, waiting for him to join her. "I'm terrible at molding it," she says mournfully. "Do you think you could—"

Itachi nods tersely, stepping closer. "Stand aside."

Sakura makes a show of giving him a confused look. "No, I meant to ask if you could just help me."

"By—"

Without further ado, Sakura takes his hands, settles them on top of her own, and then positions them on top of the plate of rice. "Like this."

This time, they are close enough for Sakura to _feel_ his breath catch, and she savors the small victory; perversely enough, this is payback for every time he has mocked her, or bested her in a spar while using some underhanded method.

Because he is far too proud to ever admit that he could _ever_ be thrown for a loop by an unsettlingly flirtatious pink-haired medic-nin, Itachi steps closer to Sakura, settling himself in a less awkward position; she is directly in front of the counter, and he is behind her, her soft hair brushing against his chest—

Right. Maybe this _isn't_ a less awkward position. Moving back would be too conspicuous, though, so Itachi grits his teeth and stays where he is, trying to ignore the fact that every time she breathes, her back brushes against his chest.

Sakura keeps her eyes firmly trained on the rice so that Itachi can't see the expression on her face; her little ploy had worked better than she thought it would. Perhaps she is getting better at this than she thought she was. Still, Itachi's grip is gentle on top of her hands, even as he guides them in efficiently and firmly molding each half of the triangular shape necessary to make the onigiri.

They work in comfortable silence, and much to her chagrin, after a while of this, Sakura has to forcibly stop herself from relaxing into Itachi's warm and surprisingly reassuring hold. She spends the rest of the time chiding herself for such an uncharacteristic lapse in focus; stuff like that is _dangerous_ – all she needs for Itachi is to sense one moment of weakness, for things to deviate from The Plan. And that wouldn't be suitable at all.

Still, Sakura has to bite her lip to keep silent, again, when Itachi finally withdraws; leaving her arms, shoulders, and back feeling rather cold upon faced with the sudden lack of contact. "There," he states simply, although there are faint traces of satisfaction in his gaze as he looks at the perfectly formed onigiri, ready to be stuffed with salmon.

Recovering herself somewhat, Sakura turns to him again; sensing what could possibly be a breakthrough, she reaches up to him, gently slipping his long ponytail – which had slid over his right shoulder – back into place. Itachi stiffens at the sudden contact, but doesn't pull away, and Sakura gives him her best Ino-Approved suggestive, lingering glace. "However can I thank you?"

Itachi just looks down at her for a few long moments, his expression inscrutable, and then, remembering himself, pulls away, before going to check on the salmon. "A sampling of the onigiri would be more than satisfactory," he suggests stiffly.

Sakura watches him place the salmon between each sticky molding of rice, before stepping forward and assisting wordlessly. From the glance that he throws at her, she can tell that he is surprised at her sudden quietness, but Sakura just continues her work in silence – there's going to be enough time to go in for the killing strike later tonight. She arranges four onigiri on each of two plates, before taking both in her hands and wordlessly sweeping toward her living room.

She can feel Itachi's questioning gaze on her back. "You asked for a sampling," she reminds him, as she settles onto the sofa and waits.

Itachi joins her, after a few moments of thought. "One would be a sampling. Four is a meal."

"Would eating dinner with me be such a terrible thing, Itachi?" she asks, making it a point to stretch out her legs on the coffee table, before patting the seat cushion next to her.

Itachi's gaze flickers between her to the onigiri, obviously weighing the pros and cons of the situation. He never eats lunch, so the last time he had eaten would have had to be breakfast, at around eight this morning – almost twelve hours ago, now. The sheer practicality of the need for sustenance is the only motivating factor in his taking a seat beside Sakura; most certainly _not_ the fact that she looks very, very attracti—

Itachi promptly bites into his onigiri in an attempt to halt his mind from spouting off any more delirious and unstable ravings brought on by hunger and blood loss.

Sakura watches Itachi chew his food for half a minute exactly, and when he makes no comment, even for _another_ thirty seconds after swallowing, she is unable to restrain her impatience any longer. "_Well_?"

A slight smirk curves the corner of his lips. "Acceptable."

Sakura's left eye twitches dangerously; ready to cave, under the strain of the past two hours. "…Acceptable."

"Yes," Itachi acknowledges, taking another delicate bite.

Sakura inches closer to him. "That's _it_?"

Preoccupation with his favorite food aside, Itachi inches away. "Yes." A heartbeat of silence. "You will improve with practice."

Sakura's eyes narrow anew.

In the next second, her plate of onigiri is safely on the table, and Itachi is startled to realize that his back is pressed against the armrest of the sofa, with the volatile kunoichi herself pressed against _him._ "That's not so bad, I suppose," Sakura purrs, purposefully brushing a few long locks of hair out of his eyes, letting her fingers linger against his temple. "Considering that I'll have your thorough, patient instruction to help me along…"

Itachi blinks, a slow, molten heat slowly dawning in his eyes, as his gaze lingers on her—

Sensing blood, Sakura leans in and goes for the kill…

And Itachi vanishes in a swirl of ash, leaving Sakura sitting on her sofa, completely and totally shell-shocked.

_What the hell just happened there?_

Sakura sits like this, aghast in the extreme, for ten long minutes, before she finally looks down, almost dazed, to find her hand curling into a fist.

_Screw seduction. _

_This means _war_, Itachi._

-

_The Next Morning_

-

"…And that's exactly what happened," Sakura finishes, still looking absolutely infuriated about the happenings – or, Inner Sakura claims, _not-_happenings – of the previous night.

Sasuke and Naruto just stare at her wordlessly. "No way," Naruto croaks, at last. "He did not just – I mean, it _sounded_ like he really wanted – he just _left_? What kind of red-blooded guy would turn _you_ down like that? Sasuke-bastard, this just confirms it: your brother isn't normal. Maybe you should just cut your losses and talk to your father."

Sakura can't help but smile, as she leans back against the counter at Ichiraku Ramen. "Thanks, Naruto."

Sasuke scowls, deep in thought. "No," he snaps, finally. "Sakura, from what you've told us – you had Itachi seriously on edge. He's too close to the breaking point; if you push him a just little bit more, he'll cave."

Sakura frowns, shaking her long hair back resolutely. "Fine, then, because I'm looking forward to it."

Naruto whistles slowly. "Oooh, Sakura-chan's _pissed_. Itachi had better run and hide…"

Sasuke smirks, leaning closer to his team. "Well, then – how shall we go about avenging Sakura's pride?"

Sakura smiles at them wickedly. "I actually have a few ideas…"

-

_Two Nights Later_

-

"You slipped the pill into his drink, right, Sasuke-bastard?" Naruto whispers tersely.

Sasuke nods, before looking to Sakura. "Ready?"

She closes her eyes for a moment, steeling herself for what she is about to do. "You're _sure_ he doesn't suspect anything?"

Sasuke shakes his head. "We're fine."

It is the dead of night, and all three members of Team Seven are dressed in black from head to toe, and fairly plastered to the wall outside of Itachi's bedroom. Sasuke closes his eyes, honing his chakra-sensing skill onto the distinctive signature on the other side of the wall. "…Yeah, he's sound asleep, and should stay that way. You've got the all clear, Sakura. The dumbass and I will be just down the hall in my room, if you need us to help you hide the body or anything."

Sakura grants herself the luxury of a deep, albeit somewhat shaky, inhalation. "Fine."

"Good luck, Sakura-chan," Naruto murmurs, before he and Sasuke seem to disappear completely into the darkness.

Sakura mutters a swift prayer to Buddha, and with that, her fingers turn on the doorknob and she slips into the unknown realm of Itachi's bedroom, as silently as a ghost. Her muscles are taut and tense beyond belief, even though she immediately sees that her target is lying in bed, obviously asleep.

Despite the state of her nerves, Sakura can't help but smile slightly as she notices that Itachi sleeps identically to Sasuke – flat on his back, with one arm flung over his chest and his head tilted a little to the right side. Both of them, normally so tense and coiled with barely restrained strength and power during the daytime, look so much more relaxed and somehow _human_ in sleep.

If it weren't Itachi, it would be somewhat endearing.

Sakura takes advantage of every stealth lesson that Tsunade-shishou and Kakashi-sensei had ever taught her as she slinks closer to Itachi's bed. Holding her breath, she lowers herself onto her knees on the warm, soft mattress—

The two of them are very close now, and save for his deep, even breathing, Itachi doesn't stir. That pill that Sasuke had slipped him really had done the job, and Sakura can sense how exhausted he is. His reserves of chakra are also somewhat lower than usual; Itachi smells strongly of the ash, fire, and smoke of his fire-based techniques…he must have been practicing them earlier. Either way, she isn't complaining.

Sakura settles herself on her hip as she leans over Itachi's sleeping form. Idly, she observes that he is almost beautiful like this – his features are sharper and more pronounced and mature than his younger brother's, and the sooty sweep of his eyelashes are almost impossibly long. Gently, Sakura takes her fingertips and sweeps them through Itachi's long, unbound raven locks, starting from his temple and moving further back, toward the nape of his neck.

"Itachi," she murmurs, albeit in a slightly predatory tone.

Itachi stirs slightly, and it takes a few moments for his eyes to focus on her. "Sakura?" His voice is rougher than normal; hoarsened with sleep, and she smirks at him—

Then, the Itachi whose hair her hand is tangled in disappears, and in the second it takes for Sakura's eyes to widen in comprehension, she has already been effectively disarmed and pinned against the bed facedown, her cheek pressed uncomfortably against Itachi's ash-smelling pillow. There is an uncomfortably familiar grip around her wrists, and she swallows palpably. "…The pill?" she squeaks, feeling rather afraid for her safety.

Itachi practically purrs in his amusement. "My foolish little brother happens to be dreadfully unsubtle at slipping things into drinks."

Sakura draws some chakra to her wrists and pushes up, easily twisting her hips and legs around, but before she can pull herself completely upright, Itachi slams her against the wall, hard; they are tangled together, in a complete deadlock, but Itachi merely surveys her, looking quite unconcerned. "Sakura," he murmurs silkily. "I have been meaning to ask you this for the past few days…"

Sakura looks into his slowly darkening crimson eyes, and then glances away quickly, willing her body to the earth and all of her stuff to Ino-pig—

Itachi strokes his thumbnail against the delicate, exposed skin of her inner wrists, and Sakura can't help but shiver, returning her full attention to him. "What do you think you're doing?" he asks quietly.

This is _so_ much more than she had initially bargained for, but Sakura meets Itachi's eyes and decides that fortune favors the bold. She leans forward just a fraction of an inch, so that her lips brush his for the briefest of moments; before Itachi even has time to react, she pulls back and wraps her arms around his neck, before promptly calling upon the warm purr that she has developed over the past few days. "…Why, seducing you, of course."

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :)

Your presents to me can be to leave reviews, of course. :D


	5. The Tables Turn

_Wow, I'm totally overwhelmed by the positive response to the last chapter. Thank you so much to everybody who was kind enough to review! I should make cliffhangers like that more often. :) _

_-_

_Chapter Five: The Tables Turn_

_-_

The first thing Sakura realizes, when she regains consciousness, is that she is lying on her living room sofa, and there is a note attached to her chest.

Begging Buddha for mercy, the kunoichi manages to drag herself into a sitting position, while wondering why on earth she feels so…hung over. She has a splitting headache, her limbs feel unsettlingly limp and non-functional, her throat is parched, and she is so going to _kill_ Sasuke-kun and Naruto for forcing her to participate in one of their stupid drinking contests—

Then her memory slowly begins to reassert itself, and Sakura freezes when she realizes that she wasn't at a bar with Sasuke and Naruto last night. As a matter of fact, she hadn't drunk anything besides _one_ teensy shot of sake (purely for courage, of course) last night, either…

When the realization hits her, Sakura groans out loud and flops back onto her sofa, curling up in a ball and burying her head into the nearest cushion. Forgetting that she is nineteen, almost twenty, and _so _much more mature than this, she pounds her fists into the armrest in pure frustration for a good few minutes.

There is _no_ way that she had confessed to Itachi that she had been trying to seduce him. No way whatsoever.

Sakura's memories, and Inner Sakura, beg to differ, however, and with another agonized sigh, the kunoichi is forced to admit that denial is not an option.

Yes, she had told Itachi that he had been trying to seduce him. And then he had…

Just stared at her blankly.

And knocked her out.

With his eyes.

Great.

Sakura buries her head in her hands, cursing every aspect of her entire life. She would have been _completely_ content to go on doing this for the next few minutes, hours, or even months, but the sudden movement causes the note on her chest – which had been forgotten until now, due to the extreme depths of her despair – to flutter to the floor.

Curiosity wins over, at last, and she leans down, picking it up. The note had been written on some of the pale green memo paper she keeps on the coffee table, in Itachi's narrow, elegant script, and despite her preoccupation with the _rest_ of the Itachi-related woes in her life, Sakura actually squeaks in indignation when she realizes that he had literally taped the note to her chest. As if knocking her out with his Sharingan in response to a confession that he _obviously_ didn't know how to deal with wasn't bad enough, he had to go and inappropriately touch her while she was unconscious, too!

…Interesting. Maybe Sasuke _had _really been on to something when he had first stormed onto Team Seven's practice grounds, back when all three of them had been a mere twelve years of age, and declared at the top of his lungs that his elder brother was, in actuality, the soul of pure, unadultered darkness and evil.

Glowering all the way, Sakura rubs at her bleary eyes and brings the note closer to her.

_Sakura,_

_Considering her position as your mentor for these past three or four years, I was inclined to think that the Godaime Hokage would have warned you about the dangers and repercussions that come along with overindulging in alcoholic beverages. Clearly that is not the case. _

_For the sake of every member of our squad, please only report for our mission tomorrow if you have completely recovered from your delirium._

_-Itachi_

The note falls from Sakura's suddenly nerveless grip and spirals down to rest on the cool wooden floor, and she just stares at it.

Itachi thought she had said…that…because she was _drunk_? For Buddha's sake, she is Tsunade's student in every possible way – and that includes having an almost abnormally high tolerance for alcohol. She had been very much stone cold sober at the moment in question, although perhaps not thinking things through in her usual calm, rational way. She still doesn't know what had possessed her to be so bold …maybe Inner Sakura had been lurking a little bit closer to the surface than usual. Either way, Itachi had obviously been thrown for a loop or unsettled enough to chalk her unusual degree of directness up to being under the influence.

Hell, she still remembers the way Itachi's eyes had widened, for once, the stunned expression on his face _very_ easy to read. The next thing she knew, though, his Sharingan had activated itself, as an automatic defense mechanism, and…that must have been when she lost consciousness.

Sakura rubs her still-aching forehead as she drags herself up and off the couch, stumbling slightly as she heads for her bedroom and grabs her clean, customary jounin uniform off one of the chairs. After a few shots of healing chakra and a cup of much-needed coffee, she'll be ready for the day, and more than ready for the mission.

However, ready to face Itachi? Not so much. She can just _picture_ the amused smirk that he is sure to regard her with for the entire day; no matter what Inner Sakura's personal beliefs are, about the sexiness of the smirk in question, Sakura can almost feel herself wilting slightly at the thought of his having yet another opportunity to tease her mercilessly.

While Sakura showers and gets dressed for the day, she counts the number of ways she hates this situation. The final total comes out to thirty-seven – a depressing number, to be sure. As she eats a couple of the leftover onigiri and drinks an even larger cup of her breakfast coffee than usual, she comes up with fifteen more.

The sun has just fully risen by the time she finishes, but Sakura is already out her door, completely ready; perhaps due to Itachi's strange, twisted early bird tendencies, their ANBU squad is often the first to leave the village for the day.

Predictably enough, when Sakura arrives at the village gates, a mere seven and a half minutes later, Genma, Shino…and Itachi…are all waiting and ready to go. Genma and Shino respond to her greetings with their customary cheeriness as they all slip out of the gates, while Itachi merely looks her up and down, his gaze lingering at the shadows under her eyes. "How are you?" he asks silkily, and she can just _tell_ that he is thinking about what had happened – or, almost happened – the last time they had seen each other.

Sakura meets his gaze levelly, trying her best to repel a blush. "As well as can be expected." There is a moment of silence, before her eyes narrow vindictively, daring him to make any mention of what had occurred between them last night. "Sleep well?"

Itachi just smirks slightly, choosing to take the bait. "I had a rather intriguing encounter with an intoxicated…teammate, but aside from that minor disturbance, it was a rather soothing night."

His statement has the intended effect – _minor disturbance?_ Inner Sakura shrieks, completely outraged, and Sakura takes a few deep breaths, reminding herself that tackling her squad leader and going for the jugular with tooth and nail would be definitely frowned upon by Konoha's leadership. "Glad to hear it," she says, through gritted teeth.

"How was yours?" Itachi inquires, taking care to keep his tone as impassive as humanly possible.

Despite her best efforts, Sakura turns all kinds of infuriated red as she debates how to properly answer this without screaming at him at the top of her lungs. "Absolutely _fantastic,_ really," she hisses.

From their place at quite a distance behind Itachi and Sakura, Genma and Shino exchange somewhat confused looks.

"You know, I could swear that there's something going on between those two," Genma whispers, his lips barely moving. "But – well, I mean – it's _Itachi._"

Shino raises an eyebrow, amused, as he watches his captain and their pink-haired medic continue their discreet, yet unmistakably acerbic, conversation. "Something tells me that whatever it is…we're better off _not_ knowing."

-

_Several Hours Later, Back At The ANBU Offices…_

-

"Hey, guys?"

"Yes?"

"Mm?"

"…I'm fairly sure that I have bits of intestines down the back of my shirt."

There the sound of a hastily muffled retch, and then, "…I will not dignify that statement with a reply."

"Oh, Buddha – Shino, I definitely agree with you, but I have to express my opinion on this – Shiranui Genma, that is undoubtedly the most vile and _disgusting_ thing I have ever heard you say!" Sakura pauses, glaring at the older jounin. "…And that includes your worst pick-up lines, too."

Shino coughs to mask a laugh. "Well, in that case, I believe that is really saying something."

Genma backs away from them, lifting his hands defensively. "Why do you two always gang up on me? Itachi, you _have_ to agree with my earlier comment."

One corner of Itachi's lips lifts in a smirk, as he initials their mission paperwork, naming it as successfully completed. "Admittedly, I would be skeptical under normal circumstances, but as I found what may have been a dismembered finger in my hair on our journey back…well, let's just say that I am now inclined to agree with you."

In a moment of what is undoubtedly team unity at its best, Sakura and Shino each grab the other's shoulder as they simultaneously stifle gags.

Genma grins, stretching his sore muscles as he looks out at the sun setting over the village. "Anyway, all this talk and so much hard work has given me an appetite." He flings an arm around the cringing Shino and Sakura's shoulders, before looking toward Itachi. "Dinner?"

Itachi shakes his head minutely, his hand pausing on the doorknob to his office. "Some other time, perhaps. I will deal with all of our paperwork and mission reports now – that will save you three from doing them tomorrow."

The three of them give him their thanks and individual farewells, although Sakura's eyes narrow slightly as she notices him slip into his office, shutting the door behind him. Genma just continues to guide her and Shino over to the staircase back down toward the rest of Hokage Tower, talking blithely, and both of them look over at her curiously as she lightly pulls away.

"Sakura?" Shino asks, frowning. "Aren't you coming to dinner?"

"We'll get shrimp rolls and sushi," Genma wheedles, offering her a winning smile that is worthy of Naruto himself. "Your favorite!"

Sakura cannot even pretend that it isn't a tempting proposition – none of them have eaten since around sunrise, after all – but she shakes her head regretfully, looking up toward Itachi's office. "I have to talk to the Captain."

Predictably enough, Shino nods gracefully, and Genma gives her a wicked smile. "Talk?"

Cursing her pale complexion, Sakura crosses her arms and glares at him. "Yes. Talk."

Genma snickers slightly, taking a step back toward Itachi's office. "Oh, then you wouldn't mind if Shino and I came along, right?"

"No!" Sakura yelps, and then blushes hotly upon seeing even the usually stoic Shino smirking along with Genma.

Genma grins wolfishly, having elicited the reaction he had hoped for. "Well, if you feel so strongly about it…"

"Not at all," Sakura denies weakly. "I'm completely apathetic. Look at me. I'm the face of apathy."

"If you say so," Shino deadpans, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he turns away and begins walking down the staircase. "See you tomorrow, Sakura."

Genma raises an eyebrow suggestively. "Good night, and have fun with Ita—"

Shino blinks when he sees Genma land in a groaning heap at the bottom of the staircase, and then he turns back up to the sheepish-looking Sakura, who hurriedly uncurls her hand from its fist and sticks it behind her back innocently. "I didn't see that?" he inquires dutifully.

"Of course not," Sakura smiles, before waving at him and continuing up to Itachi's office.

The door is shut, and she stares at it blankly for a few moments. To her dismay, Sakura realizes that the encounter to come could prove to be even more awkward than the cooking expedition of two days ago, as well as her failed seduction attempt and inadvertent confession last night, _combined_. And those had been bad enough – as it is, these repeated tensely awkward encounters that she and Itachi keep having are enough to almost make her want to pull a Tsunade and take a decade-long vacation from Konoha.

Then, however, she thinks of Sasuke. And Naruto. And, of course, The Plan, which kind of entirely rests on her head at this point. Unless she steps into this office and somehow makes Itachi see the light, all the insanity that Team Seven has been going through for the past week or so will be rendered totally null and void.

Taking a deep breath and prematurely complimenting herself on her courage, Sakura knocks on the aged wooden door three times.

On the other side of the door, Itachi drops the report he had been working on as he realizes exactly _whose_ chakra signature is hovering outside his door. Cursing the moment of uncharacteristic flightiness, he lifts the report, telling himself he has absolutely _no_ reason whatsoever for the prickling of trepidation that has just made its way down his spine. "…You may enter."

For the second time in as many days, Sakura offers a prayer to Buddha, wills her body to the earth and her stuff to Ino-pig, just in case things don't go as planned, and slips into Itachi's office. He is sitting behind his desk, and he raises an eyebrow as she closes the door behind her and approaches the desk a little warily; she hovers a few feet away, looking rather uncertain.

"Sakura," Itachi says dryly. "As I have observed you throughout the course of our mission and have not witnessed your partaking in any alcoholic beverages, I trust your judgment; you may make yourself comfortable."

Seven years of being best friends with Sasuke have familiarized her enough with Uchiha-speak enough for her to know that this is as close to gentle teasing as Itachi will get, but still, Sakura makes a face as she takes a seat in front of him. She has never been in here without Genma and Shino before – and maybe this is just their new circumstances speaking, but she has never appreciated just how small the office really is. Or just how intimidating of a presence Itachi can be; especially considering that slightly less than twenty-four hours ago, she had been pinned against his bedroom wall—

A faintly amused expression flickers through Itachi's dark eyes, as if he can tell exactly what had just been going through her mind, and Sakura fights the urge to close her eyes and shake the memories away. Definitely _not_ the best thing to be thinking about while the two of them are alone in his office…

"Um," Sakura blurts out abruptly, before wincing at her lack of proper articulation. "I saw your note."

"Yes, I took precautions to place it somewhere you would be sure to notice its presence, regardless of your inebriated state," Itachi deadpans.

This statement brings all the indignation of this morning rushing back, and Sakura glares at him fiercely. "Oh, so _that's_ what they're calling it these days?"

Itachi raises an eyebrow elegantly. "Calling _what_?"

"Groping! Inappropriate touching! Sexual harassment!" she snaps in response.

Itachi makes a softly amused sound in the back of his throat, leaning back in his chair. "Sakura, let me assure you that _groping_ you was not my intention. Although I advise you not to even open this topic of discussion, as you may find that it could backfire on you."

Perhaps it isn't the wisest course of action, but Sakura crosses her arms and huffs angrily. "Oh, really? How so?"

Upon faced with her visible irritation, Itachi smirks slightly, even more entertained. "Think about your behavior over the past week or so, Sakura, and then tell me who's been sexually harassing who in this equation."

Once the implications of his statement sink in, it takes all of Sakura's considerable willpower to keep her jaw from dropping. As it is, she is reduced to utter speechlessness as she stares at him incredulously. "What – I – you completely insufferable _idiot_, weren't you listening to me _at all _last night?" Sakura screeches, at last.

Itachi blinks. "…Did you just call me an _idiot_?" he asks disbelievingly.

"Damn straight I did!" Sakura stands up and points at him accusingly. "But that isn't the point – did what happened last night mean absolutely _nothing_ to you?"

Itachi blinks again; he has never thought that any female would _ever_ have cause to say this to him.

Sakura takes a few deep breaths to calm herself. "In case you missed it the first time around," she says, in a tightly controlled voice. "I'm seducing you."

Itachi just stares at her. "…I didn't miss it the first time around. I just mistook it for your intoxicated ravings."

"Well, I wasn't intoxicated," Sakura retorts, and before he can stop her, she leans across his desk and emphasizes each subsequent word with a hard poke on his chest. "I. Was. Stone. Cold. Sober!"

"Why?" Itachi asks blankly.

"Why was I sober?" Sakura yells, at the top of her lungs. "Because I'm bad enough at seduction when I'm _not_ under the influence; can you imagine what it would be like if I were drunk?"

"No!" Itachi snaps, before taking a deep breath and regaining his customary icy control. "If you were really sober, then why would you say…that?"

Now, Sakura blinks, trying to decide what an appropriate response to this would be. After a few moments, she deduces that '_your brother wants to date, but he can't until you find a girlfriend, and since the day you ask someone out of your own accord is the day that hell freezes over, he decided that a good plan of action would to have me seduce and date you so that he can have the freedom to ask out his prospective kunoichi' _would hardly the prudent thing to say, as she has no desire for Sasuke to mysteriously disappear of the face of the earth.

Which means…

Sakura's left eye twitches.

Itachi narrows his eyes at her. "An answer, Sakura. _Now._"

Sakura fidgets as she realizes just how steely and commanding his tone can get. "Close your eyes," she snaps.

Itachi frowns at the strange request. "What? I will do no such thing."

"For Buddha's sake, I'm not going to assassinate you or anything! Just…do it. All your questions will be answered in a few moments, I promise!" Sakura persuades, giving him the puppy-eyed look that even Kakashi-sensei has fallen prey to…although not quite in this context, thankfully.

Unwillingly, Itachi lets his eyelids drift shut, his long eyelashes barely touching the delicate skin underneath his eyes, and Sakura allows herself the luxury of one gulp of trepidation, before unfastening her green flak vest and shrugging it off, leaving herself in the form-fitting olive turtleneck. It is a testament to how much she does love Sasuke and Naruto that she's doing this, and she stands up a little bit shakily, before walking over to his side of the desk. Itachi had pushed his chair away from his desk just enough to make this possible, and before she can come to her senses and start running away and never stop, Sakura slips into his lap, twining her arms around her neck.

Itachi's eyes snap open then, bright with the blood-red yet confused crimson of the Sharingan. "Sakura, _what_—"

Silently marveling at her own courage, Sakura trails one of her fingers down the back of his neck, and is rewarded with a small, although hurriedly repressed, shiver. Being so close to one of Konoha's most dangerous shinobi is unnerving her just as much, although Sakura bites her lip to make sure the nervousness stays hidden. "You asked for an answer, didn't you?" she purrs, taking care to press herself even closer against him.

If Naruto could witness this, he would say – after the requisite choking and sputtering over how scandalously close the two of them are, of course – that Uchiha Itachi would be the only man in Konoha who could manage to have _Sakura,_ undoubtedly one of Konoha's most beautiful women, sitting in his lap…and still manage to look completely unaffected by the extreme proximity. "I'm afraid I don't follow you," Itachi replies coolly, his eyes narrowed with palpable suspicion.

Sakura's eyes narrow as well, and shelving her reservations, she leans closer, trailing her lips against his jaw for a few moments, until she feels him tense even further, before pulling back. "I don't think I can make myself any clearer," she manages, trying to quote from memory the best lines from the romance novels that Ino reads. "I…want you," Sakura chokes out, and promptly angles her head just so she can brush her lips against Itachi's throat. This serves to hide the outraged blush that is threatening to spread across her features – and it gives her the satisfaction of feeling his skin fairly jump underneath her touch. His pulse is speeding beneath her lips, and Sakura smirks against his fire-scented skin; now she knows for sure that no matter how good of a pretense he puts up, Itachi just isn't as immune to her as he would like to be.

To her surprise, though, she feels rather than sees the amused sound he makes in the back of his throat, before Itachi moves slightly, and Sakura yelps, trying her best to extricate herself from him, but it is too late. Before she can even realize what has happened, the blinking pink-haired kunoichi has suddenly been deposited _on top of his desk_, and with a few hand seals and a soft murmur on Itachi's part, shriveled iron vines, molded purely out of dark chakra, wind themselves around Sakura's wrists, locking her to the desk in her half-sitting position.

Sakura struggles against the bindings futilely, looking absolutely horrified. "Oh, my Buddha! What the hell! Bullshit, you don't sexually harass me! When I rip my way out of these, I am _so_ going to kick your sorry asexual ass from here to Suna, you—"

"Please, Sakura," Itachi perches on the edge of the desk, looking as if he apparently revels in her helpless state. As she isn't in a position to offer any resistance, now, it is his turn to take his hand and run it slowly through her hair, and she can't help but shiver as she and the elder Uchiha lock eyes. "You know I have the greatest amount of respect for you," Itachi continues evenly, as if this is a regular conversation, and he hasn't effectively chained her to his desk. But then his fingers brush the back of her neck, and Itachi leans closer, so that Sakura can easily see the amusement in his eyes. "But you are an absolutely _terrible_ actress."

"…Oh," Sakura squeaks, but then she tries one desperate, last-ditch attempt to salvage this act. "…But…I'm not acting? I really do want you…"

She trails off lamely, and Itachi smirks, finally untangling his fingers from her hair; he trails a deliciously slow hand down her spine as he pulls her closer to him. "Really? Because I think that it is rather suspicious that you started _wanting_ me a mere day after my foolish little brother declared his intention to begin 'dating'…and after my father informed him that unless _I_ found a romantic interest of some sort, _he_ could not begin courting his intended kunoichi."

Sakura tries to deny it, she really does, but her mouth just moves soundlessly, and she scowls at her unsettlingly rebellious body.

"Do not underestimate my intelligence, Sakura," Itachi chides lightly, and in a tone of voice that suddenly makes her very aware of how much darker it is getting in his office… "It was simply a matter of putting two and two together," he continues, and Sakura just scowls harder, pulling at the unmoving chakra chains.

Itachi merely smirks at her unsuccessful attempts to extricate herself, before reaching out and almost gently tilting her chin up toward him. Sakura considers biting his finger off, but then realizes that it would be _really_ gross and messy; judging from the expression on his face, Itachi had seen the desire clearly reflected in her eyes, and he withdraws his hand. "But what I simply could not figure out," he says softly, keeping his gaze trained on her, "was why my foolish little brother's prospective future girlfriend kept putting herself in _my_ path."

This statement, more than any other words or gestures of his during this strange little encounter, drives Sakura to speechlessness. "…Wait, _what_ did you just say?" she chokes.

Itachi frowns a little at the violence of her reaction. "I was wondering why my foolish little brother's prospective future _girlfriend_ kept putting herself in my path." He hesitates for a moment, just to make sure. "Sasuke has, ah…more than platonic intentions toward you, does he not?"

Sakura just stares at him incredulously. "Wow, you really _are_ an idiot," she sighs, at last.

Itachi glares at her in a way that reminds her that she is very much at his mercy. "I am most certainly not an idiot," he says icily.

Sakura sighs again, even more deeply, while struggling to adjust herself into a more comfortable position. "You do remember that Sasuke-kun and I dated when we were sixteen, right?" she asks abruptly.

"…Yes."

"And that we broke up after one and a half dates?"

Itachi frowns again, failing to see what the point is. "Obviously. I just assumed that he was interested in rekindling the connection, now that the two of you have," – and here, he most certainly does _not_ let his gaze sweep her captive figure – "…matured."

"Do you even know why we decided not to see each other like _that_ again?" Sakura demands angrily.

Itachi thinks for a moment, and is surprised to realize that he actually does not – nobody in the family does, actually. The morning after Sasuke and Sakura had broken it off, their mother had asked Sasuke how his date had gone, and Sasuke had simply mentioned that the two of them had decided to merely maintain their close friendship. The fifteen minutes after that featured Itachi and Sasuke actually cooperating for the first time in their relationship as siblings, as both of them tried their best to make sure their mother didn't actually cry over the breakdown of the fledgling romance.

"…No," he says, at last. "I don't."

Sakura sighs again, giving him a significant look. "In some way, it's the reason that everyone in our graduating class and Team Gai – well, except for Ino and Shikamaru – ended up dating outside of our teams. Sasuke-kun and I decided that, after everything we've been through…I mean, there _was_ a little bit of attraction there, but we could still see that the two of us were better off as just best friends. It's a bit of a long story, but that's the gist of it."

Itachi blinks. "So…the kunoichi that Sasuke intends to, ah, _date_…it isn't you?"

"Oh, definitely not," Sakura shudders. "I think he would rather stab himself a hundred times with a rusty kunai than admit it, but Naruto and I – over time, the two of us have become like the siblings he never had."

Itachi frowns slightly. "Have you forgotten that I am his older brother?"

Sakura smirks at him, dangling her legs off the desk. "The siblings he actually likes, then."

"Touché."

Itachi and Sakura just stare at each other for a few moments, before, clearing his throat to hide his discomfort, Itachi strides over to the entrance of the office and flicks the light switch on, before resuming his place at the edge of the desk. "Well," he murmurs, watching her watch him. "That certainly changes our circumstances."

"Does that mean you'll unchain me?" Sakura asks hopefully, before wincing at just how _wrong_ that sounds.

Itachi smirks, picking up on the innuendo, which isn't surprising – the two of them are on a team with Genma, after all. "Not quite yet," he says quietly. From his angle, he is able to easily reach out and brush a few stray locks of hair out of her eyes, letting his fingers linger on her temple, much like she had done to him two nights ago.

Sakura glowers visibly, now that there is no need to even pretend to be seductive anymore. "Just because I'm restrained on your desk doesn't mean that you can _touch_ me whenever you feel like it and stuff, okay? And…" she cringes. "Why _are_ you so touchy-feely, anyway?"

Itachi coughs to hide what may possibly have been a laugh. "Contrary to popular belief, Sakura, I am not _completely_ asexual…there was a slight mishap in the hormone extraction procedure the clan performed on me, and they left me with merely one functional hormone. You seem to have triggered it."

Sakura gapes outright.

Itachi sighs. "Never mind."

Recovering herself somewhat, Sakura shakes her head. "So, why are you keeping me captive here? You have the answers you wanted."

(In the private recesses of her mind, Inner Sakura kicks Sakura's conscious mind in the jugular and loudly informs her that there is _nothing_ wrong with being chained to Uchiha Itachi's desk, nothing wrong _whatsoever_.)

Sakura knows that it is actually impossible for Itachi to know about Inner Sakura and her Itachi-crazed ravings, but still, he gives her a strangely knowing look. "Sakura. You're not going anywhere until you give me what I want."

Sakura freezes quite completely, cringing as far away from him as is humanly possible. "…Is that so?" she squeaks, while resolving that if he comes _any_ closer, she will totally disregard whatever Inner Sakura is saying and go with the battle plan of ripping Itachi's jugular out with her teeth and asking questions later. "And what would that be?"

"Sakura, stop getting those kinds of ideas," Itachi drawls. "My desires have solely to do with revenge."

Inner Sakura collapses in a depressed puddle of goo upon hearing this, although conscious-Sakura tenses visibly. "…Revenge?" she asks cautiously.

"I do not appreciate my foolish little brother's attempt to meddle in my life in this manner," Itachi replies evenly. "He must be taught a lesson."

"That's my best friend you're talking about," Sakura retorts heatedly. "And – it's not like he had bad intentions, or anything. Look, if Sasuke-kun hadn't taken things into his own hands, would you have ever even considered finding a kunoichi to date?"

Itachi just scoffs. "That is an amusing concept."

"Exactly!" Sakura glares. "So, uh," – she looks at her position, and then back at him – "it would be best for Sasuke-kun if the two of us just dated or whatever, at least until he can ask out Te—the girl he likes, and leave it at that."

Itachi simply stares at her. "That would involve helping Sasuke," he says, at length.

Sakura's left eye twitches slightly. "Yes. It would."

"Why would I do such a thing?"

Sakura stares at him, aghast. "Because he's your younger brother and you _love_ him!"

Itachi laughs. It is such a foreign sound, coming from him, that Sakura just stares at him and wonders if he's undergoing convulsions of the larynx for a good few moments, before she realizes that he's actually laughing. It would be a very, _very_ pleasant sound, if it hadn't been directed at her.

"Stop laughing," she orders weakly. "I know it's true."

"If you insist," Itachi replies calmly, before a familiar, thoughtful expression flickers into his eyes, and Sakura watches him warily. She has known both Uchiha brothers long enough to know that whenever they get _this_ particular look in their eyes, other people are going to be suffering. Very soon.

Itachi notices her discomfort, and raises an eyebrow. "Your suspicion wounds me," he deadpans.

"I don't trust that expression," Sakura replies, trying her best to inch away so that the two of them aren't so close. "It's the same one Sasuke-kun had before he came up with _his_ plan."

"Oh, the one that led you into being chained to my desk?" Itachi suggests innocuously.

Sakura glares at him balefully. "No. The _other_ plan."

Itachi laughs again, and Sakura rolls her eyes at him. "You know, if you didn't only do that while in the midst of torturing innocent individuals, it would have a rather more pleasing effect."

Itachi raises an eyebrow. "I will ignore that rather uncalled-for insult in order to inform you that I have come up with a compromise, of sorts."

"Oh, really?" Sakura asks sweetly. "And what would that constitute?"

"Sasuke wished for you and I to…ah…engage in a relationship, so that he could subsequently request the company of his intended kunoichi, correct?" Itachi inquires, in a tone reminiscent of steel wrapped in silk.

Sakura blinks. "…Yes, but—"

"Sakura," Itachi says silkily, letting his eyes linger on her. "I think that it is time to show my foolish brother to be careful what he wishes for…"

It takes her a few moment to grasp exactly what he means by this, but when she does, Sakura recoils. "No! That's not _helping_ Sasuke; it's you getting your twisted revenge and giving him a coronary!"

"The coronary was actually intended to be optional," Itachi says sardonically. "But I'm sure that we can arrange it."

Sakura glares at him. "Well, forget it – I'm not betraying my team by aiding and abetting in your weird little quest for revenge."

"Yes, you are," Itachi replies, bored.

"If I don't?" Sakura smirks. "Yeah, that's right – you can't make me."

"Have you forgotten that you are entirely at my mercy?" Itachi inquires lightly, raising an eyebrow.

"Actually, yes, because I feel _so_ very at home here," Sakura says, in her most heavily sarcastic tone, before flinging her feet into his lap. "Maybe you need to remind me."

Itachi just raises an eyebrow at her in his most politely incredulous fashion.

"…Heh, that was a good one, wasn't it?" Sakura snickers. "I should have used that a couple of nights ago…"

Her laughter quickly turns into a yelp of dismay as Itachi winds an arm around her waist, placing them close enough that if she turned her head up just a little bit, they would actually be within kissing distance. "What are you doing?" she squeaks.

Itachi leans a bit closer, so that she can feel his smirk against the top of her forehead, his hand returning to its place on her upper back. "Reminding you."

_Oh, Buddha, what have I ever done to deserve this?_

"Fine!" Sakura screeches, quite taking him by surprise. "I'll help you, you…you evil Demon Spawn!"

"Hm," Itachi says dryly, even though he doesn't pull away. "That's a new one."

Sakura just glowers, dropping her forehead so that it rests on Itachi's shoulder. "You can't say you don't deserve it."

"I am proud to say that I do," Itachi replies, sounding as calm as always. Then, to _her_ surprise, he withdraws, before slinking off to the entrance of his office and flicking the lights off.

This leaves them in near-complete darkness, save for the lights of the surrounding village that come in through Itachi's window. Forgetting her supposed dignity as a mature jounin and kunoichi, Sakura yelps, completely startled. "What the hell? I already _said_ I would help you with your little plan or whatever! There's no need to take this sexual harassment to the next level!"

Itachi makes another one of his amused sounds, before joining her on the desk. "I heard you, Sakura."

"Then what are you doing?" Sakura asks plaintively, while making a mental note to discover what this stupid little wrist-restraining jutsu is and report it to Tsunade-shishou as soon as humanly possible.

"Shouldn't it be obvious?" Itachi deadpans; in the dark, his eyes shine luminescent crimson. "We're going to practice."

"For?" Sakura gulps nervously; she is fairly sure that she has faced S-ranked missing-nin in combat with considerably less trepidation than she is feeling now.

Itachi smirks, and she blinks when she realizes that their noses are actually almost touching, with his long hair even slipping onto her cheek. "Giving my foolish little brother a coronary, of course."

Before she can even take another breath, his fingers slip into her hair, tangling in the soft roots and then working their way lower, pulling her even closer against him, until there is no distance between them whatsoever. It's a million times deeper than the brush against his lips she had given him two nights ago, and Sakura struggles against the chains, even as she reciprocates wholeheartedly – not so that she can extricate herself from his grip and punch him for the uninvited physical contact, surprisingly enough, but because being restrained while being kissed like _this_ is frustrating in every sense of the word.

All too soon, Itachi draws back, satisfaction clear in his darkened crimson eyes. "You know Sasuke better than I do," he comments lightly, even as he gently brushes her lower lip with his thumb. "Do you think that was enough to trigger a major heart attack?"

With that statement, the heavy iron chakra vines around her wrists spring free, and Sakura gasps with relief, rubbing them in an attempt to return proper blood circulation. Itachi merely eyes her, obviously finding her reaction amusing, but in the next moment, Sakura pounces, and before he can even blink, she is sitting on his lap again, her arms wrapped around his neck, tangling in his long ponytail. "Well," she replies, in a cool tone that completely contradicts their position. "It was satisfactory, but Sasuke-kun is an extremely stoic individual. I think what just happened would have been enough to garner a severe choking fit, at the very most."

"Why, Sakura," Itachi fairly purrs, tightening his arms around her hips. "Are you suggesting more practice?"

Sakura's eyes narrow with vindictive pleasure, and teasingly, she slips closer, brushing her lips against his with agonizing slowness. Before he can even react, though, she is already out of his grip and across his office, leaning against the door. "We should wing it, actually," she says, in her most innocent tone, as if she hadn't been in his lap and just about to kiss him a few moments earlier. "I'll give you the night to come up with a _real_ plan, alright? And then you can meet Sasuke-kun, Naruto, and I at Ichiraku tomorrow night."

Itachi blinks, trying to comprehend everything that had just taken place. "…Very well," he pauses slightly, before smirking at her. "Good night."

Sakura smirks right back, before opening the door and sauntering out. "Good night."

Itachi watches her go, and as he sees her pink mane slipping out of view on the staircase, his eyes narrow in thought.

He still doesn't know exactly what game Sakura is trying to play, but one thing is for sure – he is _so_ going to come out on top when all of this is over.

-

As Sakura walks through the glass double doors of Hokage Tower, she stops for a moment, and as she looks up at the top of the tower, her eyes narrow slightly.

She still doesn't know exactly what game Itachi is trying to play, but one thing is for sure – she is _so_ going to come out on top when all of this is over.

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

Of course, any and all feedback would be very much appreciated. :)


	6. Mortal Combat

_As always, thank you so much to everybody who was kind enough to review. You guys make my day. Also, please check out the author's note at the end of the chapter. :) _

_-_

_Chapter Six: Mortal Combat_

_-_

A little bit of background story:

The first time Sakura saw Uchiha Itachi, she had been four years old, and the then-chunin Itachi was very impassively holding a piece of cake just out of a sobbing little Sasuke's grip, while telling him that he needed to utilize successful shinobi skills if he ever intended to get it. The sight had frightened and scarred Sakura so much she had gone and hidden under the playground slide for nearly half an hour.

The first words Sasuke ever said to Sakura and Naruto, his new teammates, eight years later, were entirely comprised of a lengthy, half-screamed diatribe about the pure, unadulterated darkness and evil that fully comprised Itachi's soul.

The first time she had ever worked with Itachi on a team was when she had been sixteen and a half, but by that time, Sakura's impressions of him had already been thoroughly formed, thanks to Sasuke and her own limited degree of personal experience. Without any shadow of possible doubt, Sakura saw Uchiha Itachi as a highly dangerous combination of – a) crazy, b) sadistic, and c) too freakin' hot to even be _allowed._

Two years later, absolutely nothing has changed. Itachi is still, if not _more_, crazy, sadistic, and (very much to Sakura's extreme dismay)…too hot to even be allowed.

"Genma, Shino, Sakura – you did well completing the mission today. Genma and Shino, you are dismissed."

Genma cheers, but stops mid-way in order to look at the suddenly pale pink-haired medic-nin suspiciously. "What about Sakura?"

Itachi just smirks, leaning against his office door. "I need to discuss the details of…a certain tactical operation…with her."

Upon this unsubtle reminder of the task that they have to perform later this evening, Sakura considers pulling out the kunai she usually keeps hidden in her left boot out and stabbing herself in the carotid artery with it, but then changes her mind, as that would leave a horrible sort of mess for the staff to clean up.

Shino nods, as stoic as always, and Genma raises an eyebrow wickedly, in a way that promises certain death-by-teasing-and-sexual-innuendos later, as he begins walking down the stairs along with him. "That sounds entertaining – have fun, you two!"

"Oh, we will," Sakura glares, in a way that promises certain death-by-chakra-enhanced-punch later.

Once they are safely out of sight, Itachi merely raises an eyebrow at Sakura, schooling all the prior traces of what might have been amusement out of his face. "Shall we?"

It probably isn't the most courageous thing to do, but instinct prevails, and she cringes against the opposite wall. "Are you _kidding?_ The last time I was in there with you – well, you remember what happened!"

"Yes, and I hope that you will be able to restrain yourself from making those kinds of advances on my innocent person this time around," Itachi says sardonically, even as he takes her by the wrist and tugs her into the office, before shutting the door behind him. "It isn't proper, after all."

Sakura just stares at him. "…Only _you_ could shut and lock the two of us into a secluded room while managing to talk about propriety with a straight face."

"Yes; after all, it is a bit of a cultivated skill," Itachi deadpans, before slinking around to take his customary seat behind his desk. "Why, Sakura, are you not going to sit?"

Sakura makes a face at him, leaning firmly against the wall. "No, as the apparent risk of being thrown down on top of and chained to your desk is too great."

"Touché," Itachi replies dryly, before glancing out at the setting sun. "What time do you intend to meet my foolish little brother and the Uzumaki at…your preferred culinary establishment?"

"Six-thirty at Ichiraku's," Sakura replies immediately. "They're supposed to only get back from their mission at six, though, so they may be a few minutes late." A thought strikes her, and she frowns, tilting her head at the elder Uchiha. "Does this mean that you've made your…plan?"

"I'm not sure about something as mundane as a mere _plan_, but a purely genius operational strategy for revenge…yes," Itachi acknowledges with a smirk.

Sakura rolls her eyes, before losing her resolve and strolling over to Itachi's desk and quite casually taking a seat on it, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Why is everything always a battle between you and Sasuke-kun, anyway? Your constant rivalry borders on ridiculousness."

Itachi blinks at her. "What—"

Sakura smirks. "Old times' sake, I guess. Although there's no need for the chains this time around."

"Sakura, it was last night; hardly 'old times'," he points out, amused, but still, Itachi joins her on the edge of the desk. "In response to the other statement; you cannot pretend that you don't bear _some_ vestiges of resentment toward Sasuke that my plan will…alleviate."

Sakura doesn't even have to think of a reply; she scowls at him immediately. "Of course I don't bear any resentment or ill feeling _whatsoever_ toward him! He's my best friend and my teammate…and besides, that one time when he stole my lollipop back when we were in the Academy, and I hated him passionately for about three days…that was like fourteen years ago now. I'm so over it."

Itachi makes a soft sound of amusement in the back of his throat. "What a grievous injury. I don't know how you ever recovered and put it behind you."

"Whatever, Uchiha. I bet you've never even _had_ a lollipop. That would explain why you're all messed up…and like the way you are," Sakura retorts, sounding utterly convinced of the viability of her point of view.

"Eating lollipops always seemed to be a very frivolous and wasteful pursuit," Itachi replies evenly. "Are you saying that you don't resent my foolish little brother for coming up with _his_ plan?"

At first, Sakura blinks at the apparent non sequitur, before it registers. "Oh, the Itachi Seduction Project?"

A few heartbeats of silence, and then: "…He _named _it. And he showed a depressing lack of originality, as well. This further proves the point that I should have just taken him out to the Forest of Death and lost him when he was young."

Sakura gapes, horrified, before aiming a punch at Itachi's jaw, which he easily evades. "That's _terrible_!"

"Fine, then," Itachi amends. "If it bothers you so much, I will just make my revenge a little bit more fulfilling. And, yes the…_Seduction Project _is what I speak of_._"

"Your consideration and degree of compassion never ceases to amaze me," Sakura replies, her words dripping sarcasm. "…I don't resent Sasuke-kun for coming up with it, by the way."

Itachi raises an eyebrow incredulously.

"Doesn't mean I don't want to punch him in the face for it, though," Sakura smirks.

"Ah, that's what I thought." Itachi brushes a few long locks of hair out of his eyes, before returning his attention to the kunoichi on his desk. "Does that sentiment guarantee your full participation and cooperation with the terms of my operation?"

Sakura wryly observes that after so many years of living as active-duty shinobi, even plots as mundane as setting one's antisocial older brother up with a girl – or getting 'revenge' on the foolish little brother whose aim was doing such a thing – become elevated to super-secret _plan_ or _operation _status. "It depends on what your 'operation' even is; you do realize that you haven't told me what it constitutes yet, correct? And," – Sakura leans closer for a moment, mischievously brushing his chest with her shoulder – "it's not like I comprise a good half of whatever you've planned, or anything."

"You most certainly aren't going to like what I have in mind," Itachi informs her matter-of-factly.

Sakura's left eye twitches slightly. "You won't know that unless you _tell_ me." And, like the good and diplomatic kunoichi that Tsunade-shishou has taught her to be, she refrains from adding the word _stupid _to the end of her sentence.

So Itachi tells her.

Predictably enough, she doesn't like it.

As he watches Sakura curl up in a ball and moan about how much her life _sucks, _Itachi smirks. "Remember, you asked for it."

"Somehow," Sakura sighs, running her hands through her hair wearily, "I always do."

-

Cursing the sadistic nature that is apparently inherent within all Uchiha – with the notable exception of Mikoto, who avoids even harming flies whenever it is possible – Sakura trudges toward Ichiraku, mentally steeling herself for the torture that is soon to follow.

Momentarily, she thinks of hiding under a table at the neighboring dango shop and just waiting for Sasuke, Naruto, and Itachi to run into each other, commence their sudden death match, and finish each other off. That would effectively eliminate the three most insane and troublesome men _ever_ from her life, but…it would also eliminate the three of her _favorite_ men from her life.

_Wait, what? _Inner Sakura yelps.

…Correction. _Two_ of her favorite men. And those two would be Sasuke and Naruto, and _only_ Sasuke and Naruto, thank you very much. It's not like Itachi is included in the 'favorite men' category, because he is _so_ not one of her favorite men. He may be a genius in his field, as she is in hers, but it's not like his company is scintillating and enjoyable and they are equally matched in every way, and despite how infuriating Itachi can be, it's fun to be around him, and it's not like he's _the_ most handsome guy _ever_, and it's _also_ not like kissing him in his office last night had been one of the most enjoyable experiences of her life and—

—_ohfuck. _

Sakura stops dead in the middle of the street, an expression that wouldn't have looked inappropriate at the public declaration of the apocalypse slowly spreading across her face.

"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan! Sakura-_chan!_ Why are you standing in the middle of the street and looking as if you just heard the public announcement of the apocalypse?" With that, Sakura is literally pounced on by the one and only Uzumaki Naruto himself, who just hugs her tighter and tighter, as if that is likely to cure all of her ills.

Dazedly, Sakura manages to pat him on the back. "Oh – sorry – hi, Naruto. How was the mission?"

"Satisfactory," another very familiar voice cuts in, and with that, one strong hand attaches itself at the back of Sakura's vest, and the other at Naruto's, and Sasuke unceremoniously drags the two of them out of the street and into chairs at Ichiraku.

The younger of the Uchiha brothers glares at the kunoichi of Team Seven suspiciously, once the three of them have settled themselves comfortably. "The dumbass is actually right – you look odd, Sakura."

"I'm fine," Sakura attempts to assure them; one good thing has occurred from that horrible little epiphany-thing in the middle of the street – she doesn't have to work too hard to pitch her voice higher than normal.

"That's not the 'fine' voice, Sakura-chan," Naruto scoots his chair closer, now looking just as suspicious as Sasuke. "Talk. Now."

Sakura tosses her hair back, managing to direct a casual glance over her shoulder, even as she dithers somewhat for her two best friends' benefit. "Well, it's just that, something happened last night after my mission with Genma and Shino—"

_Three._

"What?" Sasuke glares. "Was it – did it have anything to do with—"

_Two._

Naruto just stares blankly. "…Itachi? Demon Spawn Itachi? The bastard over here's brother?"

_One._

"Naruto, Sasuke, it wasn't what you think…"

And, with a telltale swirl of ash, 'Demon Spawn Itachi' himself appears on the barstool next to Sakura. Once confronted with Sasuke and Naruto's astonished gazes, the ANBU Captain merely smirks. "Sakura."

"Itachi," Sakura acknowledges weakly.

Without further ado, he snakes an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, until his lips are fairly nuzzling her ear. "I missed you," Itachi murmurs silkily, and to her eternal mortification, Sakura finds that she doesn't have to fake the visible shiver that goes through her spine, even as she glances at Sasuke and Naruto's astounded expressions out of the corner of her eye, before stretching up and pressing a light kiss to Itachi's jawbone in response.

"What," Sasuke pronounces slowly, poison dripping from each syllable, as he curls his fingers around his chopsticks with visible killing intent, "the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

Naruto, however, actually latches himself onto Sakura's other arm, trying to pull her forcibly away from the elder Uchiha. "What is this? What is this personal display of affection shit? Why aren't you punching him, Sakura-chan?"

Itachi, to Naruto's consternation, merely pulls her out of Naruto's grasp, so that the two of them are nearly sitting in the same seat, with her half in his lap. "What, Sakura?" Itachi drawls purposefully, locking his eyes on the aghast-looking Sasuke and Naruto. "You haven't told them yet?"

"Told…us?" Sasuke rasps, his fingers clenching around his glass of lemonade, as the chopsticks have long since splintered.

"Told us _what_?" Naruto fairly whimpers in trepidation.

Upon feeling Itachi's elbow nudge her, behind her back, Sakura looks back up at her boys, and combs her fingers through her hair sheepishly, in a very Kakashi-like manner. "Well. I was just getting to telling you two about what happened last night, while the two of us were in Itachi's office—"

"…_oh holy mother of Buddha if you're implying what I think you're trying to imply then I think I'm going to be sick,"_ Sasuke croaks in one breath, even as he turns a pasty, alarming shade of green.

Naruto actually starts choking in his indignation. "You – you – what the hell – _nobody_'s allowed to touch Sakura-chan, you bastard!"

Sakura knows what is coming next, but she still has to bite her lip to keep from wincing as Itachi smirks at Naruto, before pressing a lingering kiss to her cheek. "Oh, but I did so much more than _touch_, Uzumaki."

Despite her little 'epiphany' on the street, at this moment exactly, Sakura decides that she despises both Uchiha brothers with a burning, flaming passion hotter than the fire that burns from ten thousand suns.

"I don't believe you," Sasuke grits out, now looking dangerously pale, even as he reaches out and puts Naruto in a headlock to keep him from physically launching himself at Itachi. "You're just messing with us – you don't _do_ stuff like that."

"Correction, Sasuke-kun," Sakura offers, trying her best not to laugh sadistically at the strangled look on Sasuke's face, and the _literally_ strangled look on Naruto's face. "He, uh, _didn't _do stuff like that. Not until, um, last night."

"Sakura!" Sasuke snaps, looking unsettlingly twitchy. "I told you not to be _too_ seductive!"

"I wasn't!" Sakura protests heatedly. "It's not _my_ fault; he just couldn't keep himself off me for some reason?"

Sasuke chokes and his grip around Naruto slackens.

Naruto sputters, before extricating himself from Sasuke's grip and turning on him. "It's not her fault, bastard! It's just that, faced with Sakura-chan's extreme and mind-blowing beauty, Itachi's one surviving hormone got kicked into overdrive and he got carried away and proceeded to," – the Uzumaki pales, before collapsing into a heap on the counter – "_oh I don't want to even think about it._"

Sakura has to bite down on her knuckles to keep from giggling; she hasn't seen Naruto and Sasuke this worked up since that one time when they thought that they had seen her and Neji making out in a broom closet.

In actuality, she had been fixing up a bruise on his jawbone that Hinata had accidentally inflicted on him during a spar. Mortified, Neji insisted that the entire affair remain as secret as possible and dragged Sakura into a closet with strict orders to heal his jaw _immediately_.

…However, Sakura had decided that Sasuke and Naruto didn't need to know that. Just for the entertainment value, of course.

She is abruptly brought back to the present time by the feeling of one of Itachi's hands slipping down her back to curl around her waist, resting gently on her hip. Sakura twitches once, unnerved, and Sasuke and Naruto just look as if they are seriously considering running to the back of Ichiraku in order to vomit out their internal organs.

Which, of course, only signals that Phase Two of the plan is about to begin.

"Mm, the food is taking quite a long time, isn't it?" Itachi remarks offhandedly, before looking into his pretend-lover's eyes. "Sakura, would you like to, ah – go somewhere a little more…secluded?"

"And that would be?" Sasuke and Naruto growl in unison, their hands simultaneously drifting to their respective kunai holsters.

"Yes, where…" – Sakura almost gags on the upcoming words, but she manages to flutter her eyes up at Itachi and pull it off without choking and fainting – "Itachi…kun?"

Sasuke's eyes narrow into thin slits as he mutters something incoherent along the lines of '_my affectionate suffix, mine! Back off, bitch!'_

"I was thinking I could take you back to the compound," Itachi suggests innocuously. "Mother and Father are visiting the Hyuuga estate, and after all, you did make me that delicious dinner a few days ago…" he nuzzles her ear again, his voice lowering into a warm purr. "I would like to repay you."

"Nobody will be repaying anybody here!" Naruto screeches, gesturing violently. "Especially not _you_ two! That – that – _thing_," – he points at Itachi vehemently – "has almost twenty-five years of repressed hormones to make up for, Sakura-chan! Do you _want_ to be on the receiving end of such—"

"Formerly repressed passion?" Sakura suggests sweetly, and Itachi smirks as she makes a point of stroking his arm. "I wouldn't mind."

"Well, in that case," Itachi murmurs, taking her hand and pointedly twining her fingers through his in a public display of actual handholding. "I will see you two _boys_…later. And, Sasuke?" he inquires, looking so exquisitively predatory that Sakura almost sighs in pity for her poor Sasuke-kun.

"Yes?" Sasuke snarls, his Sharingan flickering on and off in a pointed display of emotional instability.

Sakura leans closer into Itachi, and he wraps an arm around her waist possessively. "Stay out as long as you want, little brother," Itachi smirks pointedly. "After all, I'll probably be…otherwise occupied."

This time, Sakura doesn't even bother trying to hide her blush – hopefully, it could be attributed to anticipation of the _events_ to come, instead of sheer _I'm-going-to-rip-your-pretty-eyes-out-as-soon-as-we're-alone-Itachi_ anger – as Itachi disappears in a swirl of ash, taking her with him.

-

Due to his mastery of the transportation jutsu, Itachi and Sakura end up squarely in the center of his kitchen, as predicted.

Well, to be precise, Itachi ends up leaning against the refrigerator, looking perfectly cool and casual, whereas Sakura is deposited with a squeak on the kitchen table.

"…Oh, Buddha, is this the manifestation of your subconscious desires or something?" Sakura shrieks, aghast, before promptly almost falling off the kitchen table in question while trying to scramble up into a sitting position.

Itachi raises an eyebrow, looking wickedly amused. "Why, Sakura, first my office, and now here. I think this may indicate the development of a trend."

"Ugh…" After kicking a few innocent butter knives off the table and hopelessly mussing up the tablecloth, Sakura sighs in defeat. Itachi walks over to her, before calmly pushing her back down in her half-sitting position, and she recoils. "They're _gone_ now, you know! There's no need to threaten to ravish me _on the table your mother and father and brother eat breakfast on every day!_"

Her voice has risen to a horrified screech, and Itachi makes a small sound of amusement in the back of his throat, before poking her on the forehead lightly. "Calm down, Sakura. I just wanted to ensure that you stay comfortable…after all, I expect that my foolish little brother and Naruto are going to charge in eventually, and Phase Two is essential to the overall execution of the operation."

"Oh," Sakura rubs her forehead, looking wounded, but it only takes her a few moments to regain her usual vitriol. "What the hell was that?" she explodes.

"I thought you knew that I like poking foreheads," Itachi responds calmly. "After all, I still torment Sasuke with it on occasion."

"Not that, idiot!" Sakura grabs one of the discarded butter knives and pokes it into his chest. "At Ichiraku's!"

Itachi narrows his eyes at the offending butter knife, before confiscating it easily. "You called me an idiot _again_, and you just menaced me with a common culinary appliance. I am considering sending you in to Morino Ibiki's department for a through mental health evaluation."

Sakura blanches at the prospect of being interrogated by both Ino and Ibiki; she can't decide which would be worse. "Don't you dare. And answer the question."

"I told you the part we were going to be playing," Itachi replies, before arranging some food items around the counter, for appearances' sake. He turns around and gives her a slight smirk over his shoulder. "Besides, you performed quite well. I could almost believe that you were actually affected by my close proximity and…affectionate gestures. And the _Itachi-kun_ was a moment of sheer inspiration, if I do say so myself."

"Indeed, but don't even think about getting used to it," Sakura retorts sourly, and she scowls at herself when she senses her gaze following Itachi, before pointedly redirecting her eyes to a nondescript spot on the ceiling. "So, now what do we do?"

"We wait, of course."

-

_Meanwhile, At Ichiraku's…_

-

"I hate you," Naruto sobs into his ramen, while punching Sasuke weakly in the arm. "I _hate_ you so much. Why did you have to come up with this stupid plan, anyway? You are the sole reason why our sweet, innocent Sakura-chan is now somewhere doing terrible, horrible, unmentionable _things _with _your_ older brother!"

"I didn't know," Sasuke says morosely, staring into the depths of his lemonade, before pushing his empty ramen bowl away. "I didn't think that either of them would actually _go_ for each other to this degree. …Damn Itachi. I wish he had been born hideously ugly. Then we wouldn't have had this problem."

"Well, that's impossible," Naruto points out, downing his remaining ramen in one gulp. "Your mom's too hot to have any ugly kids."

Sasuke just stares. "…In light of the disastrous situation between Itachi and Sakura, instead of beating you up for that statement _now,_ I'll do it tomorrow."

"Thanks, Sasuke."

The two of them sigh, obviously depressed. The silence is only broken after Sasuke takes a swig of his lemonade and then slams the glass back down on the counter. "I don't believe it," he declares again.

Naruto stares at him incredulously. "I thought we passed the denial stage when we saw Itachi being all over Sakura-chan and her not fighting him off."

"No," Sasuke grits out. "You don't know Itachi like I do. He's a sadistic bitch all throughout the year, of course, but every winter, he pulls something Orochimaru-worthy, just to keep me on my toes. And I hate admitting it, but my brother _is_ a genius. If he somehow found out about our little _Itachi Seduction Project_, he would be dead set on getting revenge."

Naruto shudders at the very thought of the legendary Snake sannin, as well as the equally frightening one of a vengeful Itachi. "Yeah, but then why would Sakura-chan cooperate with whatever twisted little plot he has in mind?"

"He _is_ her direct superior at work," Sasuke points out grimly. "I wouldn't put it past Itachi to threaten her with really awful things, like stakeout duty all night with Shiranui Genma…"

"Ugh," Naruto twitches. "_I'd_ cooperate. Your brother and Sakura-chan pretending to get all frisky is scary and all, but I wouldn't want poor Sakura-chan to have to deal with Genma's come-ons for a whole night. So, what are we going to do?"

Sasuke considers this for a brief moment. "I won't believe anything until I see it. _Really_ see it. Not just half-assed…touchy-feely stuff that could easily be put on for our benefit, but something that could convince me that whatever may or may not be going on between them is real."

"Itachi said that he was going to take Sakura-chan back to your house for dinner, right?" Naruto taps his finger on his chin sheepishly.

"Yeah," Sasuke glowers. "And Mother and Father _are_ out at the Hyuuga estate…"

"I don't like the sound of that," Naruto replies grimly.

"One good thing, though," – Sasuke slams money for the both of them on the counter, before proceeding to grab Naruto's arm and drag him in the direction of the Uchiha Compound – "Mother and Father not being there means that we're guaranteed to catch the Demon Spawn and Sakura doing, or _not_ doing, something incriminating."

"I think I follow you," Naruto says evasively. "I _think._ We're going to spy on them?"

"Of course," smirks Sasuke. "Listen, dumbass – this is going to take some serious, serious skill. It's time to prove that we're jounin-level shinobi who are extremely qualified at tactical information gathering and reconnaissance."

Naruto nods resolutely. "Fine. And how exactly are we going to go about doing that?"

Sasuke directs a furtive look at the rapidly approaching Uchiha Compound, before pulling Naruto closer. "Okay, so this is what our plan of action is going to be…"

-

_The Kitchen_

-

Itachi watches Sakura peel a tangerine, before nibbling on one of the small sections of the fruit, a thoughtful expression on her face. Too late, he realizes what he is doing, and the Uchiha prodigy quickly redirects his attention to an inoffensive floor tile, and scowls at it.

"They're coming," Sakura observes mildly, after thoroughly chewing and swallowing her piece of tangerine.

Itachi looks back up at her sharply, surprised that she could have picked up on their impending presence before him. "What?"

"Sasuke-kun and Naruto just made their way into the compound," she replies, setting the tangerine aside. In response to the expression on his face, she raises an eyebrow, amused. "They're mine, after all. I can sense them from a mile away – even if their chakra signatures are cloaked, which they are now."

"Intriguing," Itachi allows, before raising an eyebrow back at her. "As you have the dubious honor of calling those two cretins _yours,_ tell me – what is their most likely plan of action?"

Sakura leans back on the table, considering this. "Well. They're not going to look into the window from a distance, that's for sure. There's a slight chance that they may use a concealment genjutsu and work through those bushes right there," – she nods to the front of the window – "and just plaster their invisible faces up to the glass. But I don't think that they'll go that way, because if one of them gets too angry at what they see, they'll have to go _through_ the glass to get to you."

"And we wouldn't want that, would we?" Itachi says dryly.

"So…it's almost guaranteed that they're going to sneak into the house first, and then the kitchen itself while using a concealment genjutsu," Sakura concludes smoothly, while lowering her voice. "They're almost at the house, by the way. Their chakra will flare when they engage the genjutsu, and," – a look of rapt attention slides across her face – "there we go. They'll be inside here in a couple of minutes."

Itachi looks at her thoughtfully. "That is certainly an interesting talent, although I suppose we should probably begin _our_ part of the operation."

Sakura nods tersely, before taking a quick breath to calm her nerves, and pulling her dark green turtleneck off and tossing it aside on one of the chairs. Underneath it, she wears only the bindings that cover her chest and a black camisole, and Sakura blinks as she sees some unidentifiable emotion flicker through Itachi's now-crimson eyes. He covers it up with a smirk, though, as he approaches her. "Nice touch."

"Might as well make it believable, right?" Sakura returns simply, even though Buddha knows that she doesn't have to use chakra to speed up her own heartbeat as Itachi leans over her, pressing a hand to her upper back…

Two things happen as a result, one a good two minutes before the other.

First, Itachi eases her back down onto the table with agonizing slowness, rakes her fingers through her hair, and begins kissing her – _really _kissing her, as in what happened in his office last night times one hundred – as if the world is going to end tomorrow.

And second…

Well, in all fairness, Sakura doesn't even realize what the second is, as she is still fully, totally, completely, and inextricably wrapped up in properly reciprocating the first.

That is, until two identical clouds of smoke appear in the kitchen, as Sasuke and Naruto's genjutsu release themselves out of pure horror. "Oh, Buddha…" Naruto whimpers, before covering his eyes. "I can't look – oh mercy—"

Sasuke is more direct; he snarls, obviously livid, before grabbing the first thing that comes to hand – a tangerine, from the kitchen counter – and pelting it at his older brother with killing intent. "Get _off_ her, Demon Spawn!"

Sakura can't help a slight mumble of discontent as Itachi finally pulls away from her, and she blinks, looking just as disoriented as he is, as she pulls herself up into a sitting position and tugs one of the straps of her black camisole back onto her exposed shoulder. "Sasuke-kun – Naruto – what are you two _doing _here?"

Itachi catches the tangerine easily. "Foolish little brother, you have three seconds to explain this…unwelcome intrusion," he says, in a softly menacing tone.

Naruto, meanwhile, strips off his jounin vest and throws it to Sakura. "Cover up, Sakura-chan! And…oh, _ew_, I've had breakfast on that table before! Why, Sakura-chan, _why_?"

"I can't believe you!" Sasuke yells, glaring at Itachi. "You – this is vile behavior is completely unacceptable for the heir to the clan to be engaging in! It breaks the number one rule of our family! It's…vile!"

"Sasuke-kun, stop saying that, because the expression of our, uh…love…is _not_ vile!" Sakura retorts heatedly, covering the momentary lapse by pulling Naruto's jounin vest on.

"No, Sakura! Itachi, I cannot believe that I have proof of you engaging in promiscuous sexual behaviors!" Sasuke hollers.

Utter silence reigns between Itachi, Sakura, and Naruto. "…Say what?" Naruto asks inconsequentially, scratching his head.

Sasuke takes advantage of the momentary lull to grab a discarded butter knife and poke his elder brother with it menacingly. "You _remember_ the talk Mother and Father gave us not too long ago about the fact that we have to save it until marriage to preserve the family honor—"

"Foolish little brother—" Itachi glares, grabbing the butter knife and poking it into Sasuke's forehead.

"—You two got talks about saving it until marriage?" Sakura asks incredulously.

"_What_?" Naruto crows. "This is priceless!"

Sasuke crosses his arms and glowers at Itachi. "We are Uchiha. We are aristocratic and well-bred and we _all _save our virginity until marriage as a _rule_, therefore, we do _not_ go whoring around on kitchen tables—"

"Uchiha Sasuke, did you just imply that I am a _whore_?" Itachi and Sakura snarl at the same time, each of their right hands curling into a fist.

Naruto pounces on his best friend, hiding him behind his back for his own safety. "Eh heh, Sasuke-bastard didn't mean to say that either of you two wonderful and upstanding young people – except you, Itachi – are whores, especially not someone of _your_ outstanding beauty and virtue and loveliness, Sakura-chan—"

"Damn straight I called you a whore!" Sasuke pushes Naruto aside and glares at his brother balefully. "You were tarnishing the family name and honor for every minute that you had _our_ Sakura pressed against the _table that we eat breakfast on every day_ while kissing her and touching her and…" Sasuke trails off, the horrific sight of his elder brother and precious female teammate slash ex girlfriend getting hot and heavy beginning to register in his mind… "Oh, dear mother of Buddha, I _am_ going to be sick this time," he finishes weakly, before leaning against the refrigerator and fanning himself with his hand.

Sakura eyes him, worried, and would have rushed to his side if not for the constituents of Itachi's _plan._ "Deep breaths, Sasuke-kun, deep breaths!"

Itachi just watches Naruto coach his foolish little brother back into some semblance of health, until the two young jounin feel up to glaring at him with their typical vehemence. Itachi sighs minutely, deciding that is time to execute the killing strike. "Sasuke, you have a point about the necessity of saving my virtue until marriage," Itachi points out evenly.

"That's right I do, bitch," sniffs Sasuke.

Itachi's eyes narrow triumphantly, as he goes to stand behind Sakura, wrapping his arms around her slender waist and kissing the side of her neck lightly. "However, who says that I don't intend to marry Sakura-_chan, _here?"

There are exactly three seconds of silence in the secluded kitchen before all hell breaks loose.

"Over my dead body!" Sasuke howls, lunging for Itachi.

"_I can't believe you Sasuke-bastard it's because of your stupid plan that our poor Sakura-chan is going to join the evil leagues of the Uchiha!_" Naruto rages, before jumping on Sasuke's back and attempting to strangle him.

Itachi smirks as he sees the two of them try to fight each other off. "Take that, foolish little brother."

At this, Sakura sighs deeply, decides to stop the pretense, and punches Itachi in the arm. Hard. Before he can even retaliate, the kunoichi grabs three more tangerines off the nearby counter and pelts one each at Sasuke, Naruto, and Itachi's faces. "Oy! Dumbasses! _Shut up_!"

Her voice has risen to a thoroughly infuriated screech, and all three men fall silent, staring at her incredulously.

"Sakura-chan, I can't believe you threw an orange at my face," Naruto says, wounded.

"Sakura, you actually told me to shut up," Sasuke says, looking aghast.

"Sakura…you called me a dumbass. I'm sending the mental evaluation paperwork to Morino Ibiki's office _first thing tomorrow,_" Itachi pronounces silkily.

Sakura places her hands on her hips and glares at them. "That's right I did, and Uchiha Itachi, don't you _dare_ send that paperwork to Ibiki's office. …Now, Sasuke-kun, Naruto; let's get some things straight. I am definitely _not_ screwing around with Itachi."

"But…" Naruto and Sasuke croak in unison. "The thing…the horrible thing…on the table…"

"And in my office," Itachi murmurs under his breath, and both Sasuke and Naruto shoot him dirty looks.

Sakura takes a deep, calming breath, before poking a finger into Sasuke's, the nearest victim's, chest. "Fine. I _am_ screwing around with Itachi. But, uh, not in a way that compromises his family honor or, um…virginity…or anything. And, besides, it was always just for you and Naruto's benefit, anyway."

"_What_?" Sasuke and Naruto yell.

Sakura advances on them menacingly. "Because you came up with the _stupid_ and poorly thought out and obviously repercussion-ridden plan of having me seduce him, of course! This is just what you get for even coming up with it in the first place! What if this whole…affair…between myself and Itachi had been real, hm, instead of just our way of showing you to be careful what you wished for? What would you have done then?"

Sasuke blinks, nonplussed. "…Killed him?"

"Only in your dreams, little brother," Itachi drawls, crossing his arms.

"You can be so irrational sometimes, Sasuke-kun," Sakura pronounces, poking him again. "Admit that your plan was stupid."

"No," Sasuke mumbles defensively. "I don't do stupid stuff."

"Sasuke-bastard, Sakura-chan has a point – your plan could have ended with Itachi and our Sakura-chan really falling for each other and like…eloping…or some nasty stuff like that," Naruto points out, looking revolted at the very thought. "In reflection, it was pretty stupid."

Sasuke glares at the two partners in crime. "So…all of the sick and unnatural things that you two have been doing has just been to get back at Naruto and myself for tricking you into seducing Itachi?"

Sakura rubs one of the marks that Itachi had left on her neck sheepishly. "Yeah, basically."

"However, I have no intention of denying that it was extremely enjoyable on a personal level as well," Itachi acknowledges wickedly.

Sasuke glances around resentfully, sensing that he is clearly outnumbered, before rubbing the back of his neck, obviously self-conscious. "Fine," he snaps at last.

"Fine what?" Sakura asks sweetly.

Sasuke's left eye twitches slightly. "My plan was stupid. I shouldn't have tricked you into seducing Itachi."

Much to Itachi's amusement, Sakura stands on her tiptoes and reaches up to pat Sasuke on the head like a recalcitrant puppy. "Aww, he learns! _Good_ Sasuke-kun!"

At this, Naruto has to physically stuff his knuckles in his mouth to keep from snickering.

In the minute of silence that follows this awkward apology, Itachi leans against the refrigerator, Sakura drifts over to stand behind the kitchen table, unconsciously placing herself on the same side as Itachi, and both Sasuke and Naruto swing themselves up to sit on the kitchen counter with a sigh.

"So," Naruto is the first to dare breaking the silence. "Now what?"

"You and my foolish little brother can remove yourselves from the vicinity so that I may continue repaying Sakura for her lovely dinner of a few days ago, of course," Itachi deadpans.

Sakura smacks him on the arm halfheartedly. "Itachi!"

Sasuke just glowers at them. "I think not."

Sakura sighs, bringing her hand up to rub her aching forehead – between the evil plotting, deceiving Sasuke and Naruto into thinking that Itachi was her lover, having a very passionate make-out session with Itachi on his kitchen table, and then dealing with Sasuke, Naruto, and Itachi all snarling at each other like a pack of confrontational alpha male wolves, not to mention what may possibly be the resolution to the _Seduction Project, _it has been a _very_ exhausting evening. "In that case, I'll probably just go home and get some rest."

"No," Itachi, Sasuke, and Naruto snap at the same time, before all three of them glare at each other.

Sakura raises an eyebrow at them, amused . "Further proof that I need to go home and sleep this evening off. I'll see you three tomorrow."

She slips out the door, and Itachi moves to follow her, only to have his path suddenly blocked by two glaring and _very_ unhappy-looking young jounin. He raises an eyebrow at them. "You are aware that I could displace you two and follow her quite easily, correct?"

"Yeah," Naruto growls, poking a finger into Itachi's chest. "But you won't."

For a brief moment, Itachi recalls himself and Tessai being as protective of Hana when the three of them had been young, and a slight smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. "And why would that be?"

"We need to talk to you," Sasuke grits out, looking most decidedly unhappy. "About…you. And Sakura."

"So sit," Naruto points out, before steering him into a chair.

Itachi sits, and looks up, quite unimpressed, at Sasuke and Naruto, who are standing above him and glowering with their arms crossed.

"I don't like this," Naruto says evenly.

"Neither do I," Sasuke asserts.

Itachi considers using his Sharingan to knock them into unconsciousness, but then decides against it; something tells him that whatever these two plan to _talk_ to him about, it will be amusing.

"…So we're setting down some ground rules, right here, right now," Sasuke decides firmly.

Itachi raises an eyebrow, somewhat startled. "…Rules?"

"Yeah," Naruto growls. "After all, if you date _our_ Sakura-chan, you're going by _our_ rules."

Itachi blinks, and that is the only concession to the surprise he feels. Despite this, Sasuke notices the slight movement, and he snorts humorlessly. "I _am_ your younger brother, remember. And you're pretty obvious about…stuff…like…Sakura. And you. And…feelings and shit. _That_ kind of stuff."

"Ah," Itachi observes, after a while; he isn't sure what to think, but for once, he is pleased with his younger brother's perceptiveness. The ANBU Captain leans back in his chair, observing them through his long, sooty eyelashes. "…Very well, then. I am listening."

-

_The Next Evening_

-

As Sakura pulls on the usual pair of black shorts and basic red t-shirt that she wears at home, after her satisfyingly long and hot shower, she slinks outside to her living room, before flinging herself down on the sofa with a relieved sigh and picking up the latest book that she had been reading.

…Just for the record, she is _so_ not locking herself in her apartment and hiding from Itachi. Or Sasuke. Or Naruto. After the stressful past couple of weeks, she is just enjoying her time alone and the blissful peace and sanity that comes with it and that is _all. _

Having reassured herself of this fact, Sakura promptly immerses herself in her thrilling horror story about the creepy axe murderer who terrorized a small town, quickly losing track of time as she becomes more and more engrossed in her tale…

When she hears the knock on the door, Sakura shrieks and almost falls off the sofa. She takes several deep breaths to calm herself – it's just gotten dark, yes, but she is fairly sure that whoever is at her door most certainly _isn't_ a creepy axe murderer who is out to get her.

Whoever it is knocks again, and Sakura glares at the inoffensive door, before marking her page and setting her book down. "Coming!" she yells, before continuing on under her breath, "and if you just so happen to be a creepy axe murderer, you are _so_ going to get more than you bargained for…"

Predictably enough, Sakura almost trips on her discarded pair of boots on her way there, and ends up physically falling on the door, nearly impaling herself with the doorknob. Muttering curses all the way, Sakura flings the door open. "Yes?"

Her eyes widen slightly once she realizes exactly whom her little visitor is.

And, no, it's not an axe murderer.

It's much, much worse.

Itachi, dressed in dark pants and a matching turtleneck that is such a deep shade of blue it could almost be black, smirks and hands her a shriveled black rose. "Hello, Sakura. You should get dressed."

"Two things: one, what the hell, and two, _why_?" Sakura asks incredulously, inspecting the dead flower.

Itachi raises an eyebrow, amused. "Well, we _are_ going on an…ah…_date,_ are we not?"

Sakura blinks, thoroughly astounded.

…_oh, hell._

* * *

_to be continued_

* * *

Haha omgz cliffhangers are the best literary device known to man.

…sorry, guys. :)

A couple of public service announcements, as well:

First of all, it's likely that this fic will be coming to an end within the next few, meaning two or three, chapters. Never fear, though, because knowing Itachi and Sakura (and Naruto and Sasuke), they are sure to be entertaining chapters, and…because my imagination never rests for long, and I'm sure to come up with more ItaSaku fics soon.

Secondly, in somewhat related news, there _may_ not be an update for this fic until a little past January 1, 2009. Maybe. The thing is that I got struck by this kickass oneshot holiday!ItaSaku idea, and I would really like to have it up as soon as possible, probably around January 1, 2009, or December 31 of this year. That gives me only a few days, though, so it will likely be my priority. However, it's going to be a romantic humor type thing with a heavy side dose of Team Seven friendship…which also happens to be a modern-day AU featuring Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, and Shisui. Yeah. It's going to be a lot of fun, so perhaps you should check it out when it's live, which will be in the next few days. Whatever floats your boat. :)

Thank you so much, and feedback is, as always, very much appreciated.


	7. Romantic Misadventures

_As always, thank you so much to everybody who was kind enough to review. Also, sorry for the long wait for this chapter, although I had lots of fun writing Age Of Consent…and was subsequently struck by a case of writer's block. Depressing much? _

_-_

_Chapter Seven: Romantic Misadventures_

_-_

"Say _what_?" Sakura gasps, totally horrified, as she has finally overcome her initial reaction of being too shocked to even string a coherent sentence together.

Itachi raises an eyebrow, obviously amused at the vehemence of her reaction. "I believe that you heard me the first time, Sakura." He brushes past her lightly into the apartment, shutting the door behind him, before leaning casually against the counter that separates her kitchen from the living room.

Still somewhat lost for words, Sakura trails after him, before brandishing the blackened rose that he had given her. "What the hell? You should know that you can't just come _rampaging_ in here and ordering me to go on a date with you!"

Upon being subjected to such rough treatment, one of the shriveled petals falls off the rose and spirals to land on the floor, and Sakura stares at it, her curiosity warring with the impulse to knock Itachi to the ground and physically stuff the rose down his throat in revenge. "…What is this, anyway?" she asks disbelievingly.

Itachi just smirks at her. "I felt as if it would be more memorable and original than the traditional pre-courtship offerings."

Sakura just shakes her head mutely. _Figures_ that somehow, she ends up with the only man in the world who thinks that it's a better idea to gift a woman with a blackened, dead rose than a beautiful, red, _alive_ one.

She wouldn't think it is humanly possible, but Itachi's smirk only becomes more pronounced as he regards her smoothly. "Sakura, are you capable of dressing yourself for dinner, or will you require my assistance?"

This statement has the intended effect; Sakura has to stifle a horrified screech as she backs up a pace, and inadvertently ends up tripping on her boots _again_ and nearly falling over onto the couch. "I – oh my _Buddha,_ no! I can do it myself!"

Itachi makes an amused sound in the back of his throat, as he eases her to her feet again and escorts her down the hallway, one hand firm on the small of her back. Sakura glares up at him, fruitlessly trying to bury her feet into the wooden floors with every step, even as she keeps up a running commentary on how many ways he could be arrested for sexual harassment. "This is reprehensible behavior, you know. _Totally_ and _completely_ reprehensible. Threatening to physically strip me of my clothing and, therefore, my _dignity_ in an attempt to force me to go on a date with you…"

"You'll live," Itachi replies dryly, as he gives Sakura a gentle push into her bedroom and closes the door after her.

"I hate you," he hears Sakura's muffled voice through the other side of the door.

"Yes, dear," is his sardonic response – from the sound of it, he is leaning against the hallway directly opposite of her door.

From her bedroom, Sakura shudders deeply as she flings her closet open. "Don't _touch_ anything!" she yells, as she hurriedly pulls her shirt and shorts off, and tosses aside a pile of training clothing in her attempts to get to a more appropriate sector of her closet.

"My apologies, Sakura, but I am too engaged in the act of violently and wantonly defiling all of your personal property that I can get my hands on, so to speak, to properly respond to that request," Itachi fairly purrs evilly, as he inspects his fingernails with an air of scholarly interest.

Sakura ceases her search for appropriate date clothing in order to take a moment to cheerfully give her bedroom door – and, by extension, the handsome ANBU Captain on the other side of it – the finger.

"Sakura, you are taking quite a long time," Itachi says, bored. "Do I need to check up on you?"

Even though she is halfway in the process of pulling on her favorite evening-worthy top, Sakura manages to grab her hairbrush off her bed and pelt it at the door. "Don't you _dare_!"

Itachi sniffs, sounding unimpressed with her efforts at self-defense. "You have five minutes."

Sakura tries her best to stifle a twitch of displeasure as she adjusts her emerald silk off-shoulder top and stumbles into a short black skirt and a pair of matching high heels. "Where are we going?" she asks, as she hurriedly sits down at her dresser and begins working on makeup.

"Nowhere outdoors, if that will affect your choices for attire," Itachi replies evenly, and she can practically _hear_ his subsequent smirk. "Although, considering what you were wearing during our _encounter_ in the forest not too long ago, I doubt that it will."

Sakura blushes at the very memory of the revealing tank top in question as she brushes out her hair. "Don't worry; that was a one-time deal only…" she mumbles under her breath.

Itachi is in the middle of flipping through a photo album featuring the visual evidence of the misadventures of Team Seven through the years, when Sakura finally emerges from her bedroom. Her eyes widen alarmingly as soon as she sees what he is holding, and despite the high heels and fancy clothes, she quickly lunges toward the taller male with visible killing intent. "What – no, don't look at that!"

Even as he easily lifts the photo album out of her grip, Itachi eyes Sakura up and down appreciatively. "If you would prefer that I look at something _else,_ all you would have to do is ask politely."

Sakura blushes furiously and attempts to tug the hem of her skirt down with one hand, as she jumps to reach the photo album with the unoccupied one. "Shut up!"

Itachi just turns another page, unconcerned with her efforts. "Sakura, why is there a photograph of you, my foolish little brother, and Naruto – in a shower?" He smirks at her aghast expression. "Don't worry, though; I accept your previous forays into, ah…_experimentation _of that nature, as long as said experimentation ceases now…"

"Augh!" Sakura shrieks, aiming a chakra-laden fist at his chest, which he quickly evades. "Don't make it sound like that! We were all fully dressed, you _jerk_!"

In her attempts to cause Itachi as much physical harm as possible, Sakura reduces herself to kicking him in the shins viciously, with all the force she can humanly muster; despite spending almost a decade as an active-duty shinobi, Itachi had most certainly not expected _that._ He cannot suppress a quick inhalation of pain, before collapsing onto the nearest one of Sakura's sofas, landing flat on his back.

In turn, Sakura overbalances in her heels, and collapses onto _him_, landing with a screech of dismay right on top of Itachi's chest. Quickly, she confiscates the photo album, before hitting him hard on the forehead with it, regardless of their…slightly compromising position. "This was all a plot to make me throw myself at you, wasn't it?" Sakura asks heatedly, hastily struggling to pull herself upright while retaining her modesty – which is much more difficult then it sounds. Meanwhile, Inner Sakura collapses into a pile of goo upon feeling herself mostly pressed along the warm, leanly muscular length of Itachi's body, and promptly orders Sakura's conscious mind to do something smart for once, and _stay._

For his part, Itachi merely adjusts his head into a more comfortable position, surveying the agitated kunoichi on top of him with an expression of amusement in his veiled, dark eyes. Then he takes the debate over whether to get up or not out of Sakura and Inner Sakura's hands, by wrapping an arm casually around Sakura's waist, pulling her back down on top of him, so that the top of her head lands squarely underneath his chin. Ignoring her squeak of protest, Itachi trails his fingers down her spine with delicious slowness, smirking as her protest turns into something that may possibly be a strangled moan of pleasure. "Now, Sakura," he drawls smugly, rather enjoying himself. "It was my impression that people normally end up in this position _after_ a dinner date, but I have no qualms about doing things a little out of order…"

Infuriated, Sakura struggles out of his grip, _regardless_ of how good his toned chest feels against her own, while hurriedly adjusting her top and skirt back into some semblance of decency. "You – oh, let's go _now_, before we end up with your blood on the floor."

Itachi is hardly likely to let her have the last word, even as he stands up easily. "However you want to do it…"

He lets his statement trail off wickedly, and Sakura can't help but laugh, even as she hits him on the chest playfully. "You and Genma have been friends for way too long."

Itachi steps out of her apartment door beside her, letting her lock up behind her. "Yes, well, he grows on you. Rather like moss, or lichens." They walk together for a few paces, before he clears his throat a little uncertainly, placing one hand on the small of her back.

Sakura is surprised at the sudden contact at first, but smiles up at him, before subtly inching closer, so that his arm ends up slipping more around her waist, instead. She feels Itachi's fingers twitch reflexively, but he makes no move to remove his arm. The gently intimate contact is difficult for somebody of his nature, but not uncomfortable by any means. And in all honesty, even without the complications of stupid seduction or counter-seduction plots, Sakura has to admit that it's a rather comfortable feeling, to say the least. Which is an incongruous sentiment; Itachi is hardly the kind of guy whom most people feel at liberty to _relax_ around.

"We're going to the café across from the hospital," Itachi informs her evenly. It is a short walk, and the café is already within sight.

Sakura beams brightly. "That's my favorite – how did you know?"

"On the morning that Sasuke first announced his intent to _date_ a certain kunoichi," Itachi replies, letting his arm tighten around her waist momentarily. "Our mother misinterpreted his statement somewhat, and told him that the little café near the hospital would be a lovely place to take _dear Sakura-chan._"

She doesn't have to look up to hear the subtly humorous undertone in his voice, and Sakura giggles. "Oh, the irony. It's almost unimaginable." The pink-haired kunoichi hesitates slightly, glancing up at him. "Did you, um, tell your parents…"

Both of them know that Mikoto loves Sakura like the daughter she never had, and even Fugaku bears a tiny amount of affection for her in his heart, but the Lord and Lady of the Uchiha Clan have always taken it for granted that Sakura and _Sasuke_ would be the eventual couple. Itachi smirks, reveling in the ever-present irony, and opens the door to the café for her; the two of them are promptly greeted courteously and led to a table for two near the window.

Itachi raises his eyebrow as he responds to Sakura's query, as the waiter fills up two glasses of icy water for them. "Yes, well, I intended to tell them tomorrow morning. Of course, my foolish little brother and I have to stage a performance of sorts, before then – after all, Mother and Father would expect Sasuke to have a rather violent reaction, since as far as they are concerned; as far as Sasuke _should_ be concerned, if not for his meddling ways…I have _stolen_ Sasuke's intended…girlfriend."

Sakura smirks at the intended mental image of a staged confrontation over her relationship with Itachi versus Sasuke, and Itachi's fingers brush the top of her hand lightly, and she knows that he is as amused as she is. "Even though I don't think I'm a commodity to be _stolen_," she says in a carefully lighthearted tone, as she glances down at her menu, "that statement does have…um…certain implications about the nature of our…relationship?"

Sakura lets the last word hang in the air between them, in a tentative question; it takes Itachi a moment to catch her exact meaning, but when he does, the usually stoic ANBU Captain struggles with his words for a few moments, before reaching out again and taking Sakura's hand. She looks up at him so fast that she almost cricks her neck, obviously startled, and then she glances back down hastily; maybe it is just her, but he looks a little unsettled by his actions as well. Even though Itachi smirks at her like he always does upon noting her reaction, his voice is a little less emotionlessly smooth than usual. "It was intended to."

Sakura blinks.

_What the hell?_

Had Itachi – the infamously frigid, icily inapproachable, Demon Spawn, _scary_ Itachi – seriously just (very, very subtly) asked her out?

There are a million things that she can possibly say in response to his ambiguous statement; a million questions that she would like to ask, all while fighting the temptation to take his vital stats and see if he's suffering under the influence of hallucinatory drugs, or _something_ else that would mess with his mind, but right now, one issue takes precedence above all others.

"Itachi," Sakura says at last, and her voice is strained. "…You're hurting me."

Itachi directs an alarmed look at their hands; true enough, his fingers have laced around hers in a grip that would have broken a lesser shinobi's fingers by now. "Oh." And then, a heartbeat of silence, as he eases his grip. This is all almost painfully new to him, and he lightly rubs his thumb along the top of her previously-crushed hand. "…I apologize."

Sakura's expression brightens as she smiles at him. It isn't the infamous _I-will-seduce-you-in-the-name-of-Team-Seven-if-it's-the-last-thing-I-do_ smile, or an _I'm-going-to-rip-your-pretty-eyes-out-Uchiha_ smile, but rather like the laid-back, affectionate smile normally reserved for only individuals of the caliber of Ino and the rest of Team Seven. Itachi is a bit thrown, for a moment, but then he gives her his most affectionate smirk – after all, he thinks that he could get used to this.

-

"Do you see that?" Sasuke hisses, from his position hiding out in the back of the café, skulking near the broom closet. "She's giving _him_ our smile, dumbass. _Our_ smile."

Naruto fairly growls at the very thought, even as he tugs at his attire distastefully. "That aside, why did we have to wear these stupid things anyway? We could have spied on them in our normal clothing…" he shudders slightly as he notices that Sakura looks even_ more_ heart-stoppingly beautiful than usual, tonight. "Buddha knows that Sakura-chan isn't wearing a trenchcoat…" Naruto mutters in an undertone, trying not to look jealous of Itachi.

"The trenchcoats add an aura of subtlety and mystery," Sasuke explains, for at least the fifth time that night. "Besides, those two wouldn't expect us to be dressed like this anyway, so if they happen to take a mysterious detour in the area of the broom closet, they'll probably just think that we're…part of the Aburame clan, or something." Then Sasuke glares. "Damn it, Sakura _should_ be wearing a trenchcoat. How annoying of her. We should have stopped by earlier to talk about an acceptable dress code."

Naruto tries not to twitch as he imagines what their beloved female teammate's reaction to such a conversation would be, before his mind drifts to another disturbing aspect of Sasuke's statement. "Why would Itachi and Sakura-chan take a mysterious detour in the area of the broom closets? Unless," – he blanches, flashing back on the horrible thing that they had walked in on in Sasuke's kitchen last night – "…oh, ew."

"Which is why we're supervising," Sasuke replies grimly. "They look like they're having fun already. _Too_ much fun."

Naruto peers out of the closet at the unlikely couple. "They're just talking, Sasuke."

Sasuke gives Itachi and Sakura a jaundiced eye. "Yeah, but their hands are still touching. Well – kind of, a little. And they're not just talking – they're _deep in conversation. _Who knows what they're scheming? One of them could be propositioning the other, for all we know."

Naruto sighs deeply. "Sasuke-bastard, you're so paranoid. This whole Itachi-and-Sakura-chan thing was all your plan, anyway."

Sasuke leans against the wall of the broom closet and broods silently. "I know. It's just…strange. And, I mean, look at Itachi! He looks damn near _happy,_ and there are no dead bodies or onigiri in the vicinity. That's just not right. And…" he frowns. "Sakura looks practically _overjoyed._"

Naruto actually sniffles and wipes at the corner of his eyes. "Aww, our little Sakura-chan is growing up and experiencing her first real romance…" he snickers, very well aware that associating _romance_ and _Itachi_ is a recipe for nothing more than the world's largest oxymoron. "Talk about beauty and the beast, hm?"

Sasuke crosses his arms and mutters resentfully and incoherently. "Fine. Whatever."

Then, to Naruto's shock, he makes to charge right out of the broom closet. Looking horrified, Naruto grabs him by the back of the trenchcoat and drags him back inside. "What the hell, Sasuke-bastard? You can't crash Sakura-chan's date! She'll kill you, if Itachi doesn't get to you first!"

Sasuke's left eye twitches in resentment as he growls somewhat. Naruto, seeing that he is actually forced to act as the voice of reason in this situation, promptly grabs the younger Uchiha in a headlock. "Sasuke-bastard! Don't you want to _live_ to ask out your mystery kunoichi?"

Sasuke's struggles slow after a few moments. "…Yeah," he mumbles, with something that could almost be classified as an actual blush spreading across his face at the mere _thought_ of her. "I do."

Naruto laughs nervously, patting his duck-butt-haired and emotionally unstable teammate on the head reassuringly. "Well, then, if that's the case, it's time to sit here and spy peacefully without doing anything stupid, because if Sakura-chan or your Demon Spawn of a brother find out about this…well, then let's just say that Itachi's going to be the sole heir to the Uchiha clan, and Konohamaru will have to be the Sixth Hokage instead of me."

Sasuke looks aghast at the very thought. "Yeah. That was stupidity on an almost suicidal level, wasn't it?"

Naruto nods fervently.

"So…" Sasuke crosses his arms and looks at the oblivious and wittily bantering Itachi and Sakura unhappily. "We can't do anything. We just have to stand here and wait."

"But if the two of them stumble in here after dessert with any, uh, less than pure intentions, _then_ we can take action," Naruto assures him earnestly.

"And, by take action, you mean castrate Itachi?" Sasuke sniffs.

Naruto grins in a very fox-like manner. "Hell, yeah."

-

In the end, the two most overprotective members of Team Seven end up standing in the cramped broom closet while stifled by their ridiculous trenchcoats for almost two hours.

"Ugh," Sasuke croaks at last, looking deeply disgusted. "I never thought I would say this, but Itachi and Sakura's obvious chemistry even on the _non-_physical level and, therefore, propensity for lengthy and intellectual conversations, has just proved to be _as_ irritating as their strange habit of mysteriously ending up with their tongues down each other's throats whenever they are isolated from others."

Naruto shakes his head disapprovingly. "And here I thought _nothing_ could be worse than Itachi and Sakura-chan's seemingly incurable habit of making out whenever they get a few minutes alone…" he pauses, narrowing his eyes, and then grabs Sasuke's arm tight. "Sasuke-bastard! Look! They're leaving! Finally! We can ditch these stupid trenchcoats and go get some ramen – I'm freaking _starving_! Wait…" he catches sight of the somewhat strangled expression on Sasuke's face. "This _is_ a good thing, right?"

"Not…necessarily," Sasuke mutters, before slinking out of the broom closet once he is sure that the remaining waiter's back is turned. "Well, unless Itachi's just going to be a proper gentleman and drop her off at her door."

Naruto frowns at the very thought. "Somehow, I kinda doubt that." On that ominous note, Naruto follows in Sasuke's wake out of the café, totally blind to the admiring stares from the rest of the Konoha shinobi that are experiencing Konoha's nightlife, that follow him and Sasuke as they lurk behind Itachi and Sakura at a distance, because after all…they are _totally_ working the mysterious and sleek tan trenchcoats.

-

Under normal circumstances, as has already been proved numerous times, Sakura can easily sense Sasuke and Naruto's chakra, even when it is cloaked. Therefore, as Sasuke and Naruto trail her and Itachi _very_ subtly and at a distance, they are wary and already have most of the signs for their respective escape jutsu planned, for several good reasons.

However, these are most certainly _not_ normal circumstances (again, as has already been proved numerous times over), and Sakura is fully prepared to deny it if interrogated at the very moment, but being in Itachi's presence is enough to distract her from anything else _besides_…him.

Sakura is too irritated at her own behavior to register their arrival at the door to her apartment; it _is_ on the bottom floor and just a few steps away from the street, anyway, a fact which has always caused her much woe. For his part, Itachi raises an eyebrow, amused at how easy his kunoichi is to read – it is only too obvious that she is troubled about something or another; troubled enough to still be fairly unaware of their surroundings.

Itachi clears his throat softly, and has the satisfaction of seeing Sakura's alarmed green eyes snap back up to him quickly. She blushes upon feeling the weight of his dark, silent gaze on hers, and then begins to heatedly chastise herself for the involuntary physical reaction. "…Um," she manages, at last, looking rather lost for words. Despite both of their positions as a prodigy shinobi and ANBU Captain, and Konoha's most skilled medic-nin and foremost taijutsu specialists, respectively, awkwardness at this very new situation suddenly radiates over both Itachi and Sakura in almost tangible waves.

From their place hiding behind a pillar outside, Naruto groans softly, smacking his hand into his forehead. "…Damn, Sasuke-bastard, I mean this with all due respect, but your brother and Sakura-chan are a _trainwreck._"

Sasuke has other thoughts on his mind, as he smugly envisions the certain kunoichi who has a mere one day remaining in her mission. "…Heh, that means that I _did_ inherit the suave genes! Take that, Demon Spawn…"

Meanwhile, Sakura glowers up at Itachi, her glare masking the fact that she is completely uncertain as to what to do. They have already seriously – _very_ seriously – made out twice, which means that she shouldn't be dithering at her door without inviting him in, of course. There should be nothing to be nervous or unsure about, at this point. She already knows Itachi quite well on a personal level, not to mention that he's a _damn_ good kisser…denying her attraction to him, on a physical, emotional, _and_ mental level, would be a completely pointless endeavor.

For once, Itachi seems to have nothing to say; he just watches her almost warily, waiting for her to come to a decision. Their rather flirtatious interactions in her apartment prior to their date itself aside, he has no intention of pressuring Sakura into making an invitation of that nature.

Sakura clears her throat quickly, cursing her uncharacteristic almost-shyness. "Do you want to come in?" she asks, trying her best to avoid tripping over her words nervously.

The expression in Itachi's eyes is inscrutable as takes a small step forward, shelving his own reservations by placing his hands on her hips, lightly drawing her closer to him. After all that they have done together – and he _has_ initiated the contact both times – Itachi is fairly sure that he has not felt this way before…perhaps because this feels a great deal more serious than their previous encounters, both in his office _and_ in his kitchen.

Before he can change his mind, Itachi leans closer to her, and Sakura stands on her tiptoes, stretching up to him instinctively. She expects a full sensory assault, similar to the other times, but unlike the previous kisses that they have shared, this is a great deal more gentle and…chaste, surprisingly enough, even as Sakura lightly wraps her arms around his waist, returning the embrace.

Unbeknownst to both Itachi and Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto's eyes narrow in unison from the other side of the pillar. "That's it," Sasuke mumbles. "It doesn't _look_ like they're making out, but if we notice even a _hint_ of a stagger toward Sakura's apartment door, we're charging."

Naruto nods tersely, even though, before their eyes, Itachi withdraws from Sakura gently, regaining his customary control. She blinks up at him, obviously thrown for a loop. "I thought—"

Itachi places a finger on her lips, unconscious of how fundamentally sensual the act is in nature, before rubbing his thumb lightly against her bottom lip. "Just go to sleep, Sakura," he says softly. "We have a mission tomorrow morning, after all."

Warring emotions flicker through her eyes, before predictably enough, they settle on anger. "Wait, what? You can't do that!"

Itachi makes a soft sound of amusement in the back of his throat, before leaning down again and giving her another quick kiss. "Good night, Sakura."

And, just like that, he disappears in a swirl of ash, leaving behind a secretly triumphing and high-fiving Naruto and Sasuke…and a very confused Sakura. With a snarl of displeasure, she unlocks her apartment door rather viciously and storms in, slamming and locking it behind her.

Once inside, she removes one of her high heels as quickly as she can without accidentally injuring herself, and then collapses onto the nearest couch, trying to sort her thoughts out. Then, Sakura realizes with a groan that it was the very couch she had been lying on top of Itachi on, just about two and a half hours earlier, when he had touched her like _that…_

Mumbling her discontent, Sakura undoes the straps on the other heel, and when it tumbles off, she stretches her legs out in front of her, glumly observing the flawless emerald green pedicure that Tenten had given her on their last sleepover. If she remembered correctly, she had given the weapons mistress a manicure with a deep plum shade of nail polish, despite Tenten's protests that it would just chip off, anyway.

Sakura buries her head in her hands, raking her fingernails through her long hair, and tries to resist the temptation to call Ino and beg for serious counseling. Had Itachi just asked her out in order to comply with the original details of Sasuke's plan – now that the 'seduction' stage is over, after all…or, could it be something else?

Sakura snorts at the very thought, before rising and going to her kitchen to fix herself a cup of warm milk – she does love to live the vicarious life, after all – and returning to her sofa, still deep in thought. It – tonight, this whole thing – _has_ to be just to comply with Sasuke's plan, because Itachi…he's just not the 'dating' kind of guy. He is an incurable workaholic and, aside from occasional dinners with her, Genma, and Shino after missions, he is also completely antisocial and a confirmed loner. _Because those particular character traits are _totally_ conducive to romance, you know,_ Inner Sakura comments sardonically.

This is a fact, of course; a fact that she has known for almost as many years as she has known Itachi himself, but…why does it _bother_ her so much _now,_ damn it?

Sakura sighs deeply, drawing her knees to her chest and curling up in a ball, before resting her head on her arms. Somehow – and she isn't at all sure how – and irrationally enough…Sasuke's stupid plan has led her into being in _way_ over her head with a certain dark-haired, dark-eyed ANBU Captain.

_Note to self: after mission tomorrow, track down and tranquilize Uchiha Sasuke, before stringing him upside down by his ankles from the roof of Hokage Tower._

…_Drastic, yes, but he so, totally deserves it._

-

_The Next Morning_

-

At sunrise the next morning, Itachi is already dressed in his full ANBU regalia and is waiting outside of the bedroom door of none other than his foolish little brother. His expression is completely inscrutable, and he examines his fingernails patiently, even as he keeps his narrowed eyes trained on the door, like a predator waiting for his unwary prey.

When Sasuke finally emerges from his bedroom, wearing his customary jounin uniform, he promptly makes to head down the hallway toward the kitchen, still looking mostly-asleep and adorably ruffled – while, in his sleepy state, totally failing to notice Itachi's distinctively menacing presence lurking in the shadows near his door.

Upon faced with such downright insulting treatment, Itachi rolls his eyes minutely, counts the ways that his younger brother is a total and utter waste of oxygen, and catches up to Sasuke, before slamming the younger jounin against the wall unceremoniously. "Good morning, foolish little brother," he pronounces silkily.

Sasuke promptly looks horrified, and rubs at his bleary eyes, obviously convinced that this is a terrible nightmare. "What the – _Itachi_?"

Itachi sighs deeply, before putting his brother in a merciless chokehold. "Where are your manners, Sasuke? I said, _good morning._"

Sasuke glares at Itachi hatefully, now fully awake. "Good morning," he sputters.

Itachi releases him, looking bored. "I intend to tell our parents about my romantic attachment to Sakura over breakfast."

Sasuke massages his throat resentfully. "Good. We'll all throw a party or something."

Itachi just blinks at him. "…You have all the intelligence of a brain-dead and fungus-infested goldfish, don't you?"

Sasuke glowers, practically radiating killer intent as he tries to shuffle back towards the kitchen. "Sorry, but I make it personal policy not to deal with evil psycho bitches until noon, at least."

Itachi jabs a few of Sasuke's pressure points viciously, and smirks as his brother slumps against the wall, rubbing the back of his neck. "I make it personal policy not to deal with idiotic, moronic _cretins_ like younger brothers until noon, as well, but I'm making an exception for you."

"Love you too, aniki," Sasuke mutters sarcastically.

Itachi smirks. "Yes, well. As I was saying, I intend to tell our parents about my…relationship…with Sakura over breakfast. Make sure that you are appropriately disgusted, horrified, heartbroken, outraged, and murderous. The order is up to you."

Sasuke blinks. "…I can do that."

Itachi sweeps off down the hallway, toward the kitchen. "Very well. I assume Mother will ask where I was last night at the beginning of breakfast. I will tell them then. Be ready."

Sasuke glares at Itachi's back vehemently and subsequently flips him off.

"I hope you know that I fully intend to break that finger sometime within the next week," Itachi says, out of the blue.

Sasuke pales drastically and sticks both of his hands behind his back.

-

Itachi enters the kitchen to find their father sitting at the table and methodically eating his blueberry waffles, as usual. Mikoto is pouring glasses of orange juice for everybody, and Itachi nods at his parents in greeting as he slips into his customary seat at the table, followed closely behind by Sasuke. "Good morning."

Sasuke mutters the requisite greetings as well, while giving the kitchen table a fish-eyed stare – after all, their parents are innocently eating on it with absolutely _no_ idea of what Itachi and Sakura had been doing on it a mere two days ago. It's sickening, really.

"Itachi," Mikoto frowns slightly, as she slides two waffles onto Itachi's plate. "Where were you last night? You always help me make onigiri…"

Fugaku looks up from his waffles expectantly, while Sasuke's fingers tighten on his butter knife in anticipation.

"I took Sakura out to dinner," Itachi announces impassively, elegantly shredding his waffle into shuriken-shaped bite-size pieces. "At the café across from the hospital."

Fugaku is the first to react; he actually chokes on his orange juice, his normal icy composure shattered. "_What_? You – what?"

Sasuke's knife and fork clatter from his suddenly nerveless grip onto his plate with a loud _clang_, as he stares at Itachi blankly, obviously in denial. "Say that again."

Mikoto looks back and forth between both of her sons, obviously torn between squealing with joy that her sweet yet antisocial Itachi is dating her beloved little Sakura-chan…and rushing to comfort the obviously heartbroken Sasuke, who is turning more alarmingly pale by the second.

"Yes," Itachi continues blithely, taking a sip of his orange juice. "I took Sakura out to dinner, Father."

Fugaku sits back in his chair, looking utterly shell-shocked and at a complete loss for words. "…Well," he manages, finally. "She _is_ the apprentice to the Godaime Hokage, and the finest kunoichi of her generation. It is a worthy choice for the heir to the clan."

At this, both Mikoto and Fugaku look toward their younger son uncertainly. Sasuke's Sharingan is flickering on and off in a pointed display of emotional instability, and his fingers are flexing into fists as he glares wordlessly across at Itachi.

Privately, Itachi has to acknowledge that his younger brother, although extremely foolish, is quite a decent actor, and he smirks at Sasuke. "Yes?"

Mikoto instinctively moves to stand between her two sons, both of whom are glaring daggers at each other, but Fugaku takes her hand, shaking his head minutely. "This is between them," he murmurs in an undertone.

The silence stretches on for another torturous moment, as Itachi and Sasuke both engage in a Battle Of The Menacing Doujutsu. Unsurprisingly, Sasuke is the first to crack, and he slams his glass of orange juice on the table hard enough to make it shake. "I hate you," he hisses at Itachi vehemently, before picking up his butter knife in a white-knuckled grip.

"I hate you more," Itachi replies, bored, as he finishes his waffle.

Mikoto leans into Fugaku's shoulder, trying to fight sniffles. "Where did I go wrong?" she asks plaintively.

"There, there," Fugaku pats her on the back gently. "It's just a healthy amount of sibling rivalry."

Both parents look between Itachi and Sasuke warily, until Sasuke flings his butter knife down on the table. "She was supposed to be _mine,_ damn it!"

"You had your chance," Itachi deadpans. "And _after_ you ruined that, you had three more years to attempt to right your wrongs."

Sasuke just glares at Itachi for a few more moments, his left eye twitching dangerously. Then, he pushes his chair back from the table and strides out of the kitchen, a murderous aura trailing in his wake.

"Well," Mikoto murmurs softly. "That went…"

"Terribly," Fugaku completes.

Itachi just finishes his orange juice, looking rather serene.

With a slam of the door, Sasuke storms back in, grabs his waffles off his breakfast plate, and throws the morning newspaper at Itachi's head. "You are a blight upon my existence and you ruin everything in my life and—"

"—You hate me," Itachi finishes.

Sasuke blinks. "Yes. As a matter of fact, I hope you die in a fire."

With that, he storms back out, looking obviously ill-tempered.

"Oh, dear," Mikoto says faintly, taking a fortifying sip of orange juice.

"That sums it up quite well," Fugaku replies dryly, flipping the newspaper open.

Itachi rinses his dishes under the sink, before setting them out to dry. "I will find him, and we won't do anything rash," he assures his skeptical-looking parents. "Sasuke just needs some time to get used to the idea." He kisses his mother on the cheek lightly and nods to his father in farewell, and leaves the kitchen quickly.

He finds Sasuke lingering outside of the gates of the Uchiha Compound, leaning against the gates with his arms crossed as he finishes munching on his remaining waffle. As soon as he senses Itachi's approach, he raises an eyebrow at his older brother. "Who's smarter than a brain-dead and fungus-infested goldfish?"

"You are," Itachi acknowledges grudgingly, as the two of them begin their walk over to the eastern borders of the village – Sasuke has to meet Hatake Kakashi and Naruto there, and Itachi is meeting with his ANBU team. "But only by a microscopic margin."

Sasuke smirks. "At this rate, I may graduate to having the intelligence of a mentally challenged rodent sometime by the end of the year."

Itachi smirks right back. "Don't hold your breath."

-

"Hey, Sakura," Genma's slightly sleep-hoarsened voice neatly wakes the lightly drowsing kunoichi up from her impromptu nap at the base of the tree. "Just so you know, Itachi's on his way – although we're still waiting for Shino."

Sakura mumbles her thanks, before rubbing her eyes drowsily and yawning, burying her head in her arms. In the end, she _had_ caved and called Ino, and the two of them had stayed up late analyzing the latest developments in the 'Seduction Project' and the date. Late enough for her to only have gotten four and a half hours of sleep before waking up in order to be dressed and ready by sunrise.

"Sleeping on the job, Sakura? Tsk. You've disappointed me."

Sakura looks up at the familiar, amused voices – and blinks when she sees both Itachi and Sasuke standing above her, smirking identical smirks. _What_? The now-wide-awake Inner Sakura screeches. _The Uchiha brothers, actually standing together peacefully and not fighting tooth and nail or professing eternal hate for each other? Has the apocalypse arrived, or something_?

The two of them roll their eyes at her, before Itachi grabs one arm and Sasuke grabs the other, and they lift her to her feet easily. "Thanks," Sakura says, looking back and forth between them, still slightly confused.

Itachi raises an eyebrow at her slightly sleep-tousled appearance, before brushing a few stray leaves out of her hair matter-of-factly, while Sasuke mimes the act of projectile vomiting behind his back. To Itachi's surprise, Sakura laughs, and lunges for his brother, shoving Sasuke in the shoulder. "Shut _up_!"

"You two are nauseating," Sasuke informs Itachi and Sakura evenly, before crossing his arms and regarding them at length. "You know how I said that I…approved, right?"

"Sasuke, please," Itachi sniffs aristocratically. "Do not delude yourself into thinking that your approval really matters."

Sakura glares at Itachi, knowing that the spell of good feeling between the brothers had just been temporary. "Of course his approval matters!"

Itachi smirks, albeit in a somewhat affectionate way.

Sasuke crosses his arms and glares. "You know what?"

"What?" Itachi and Sakura chorus dryly.

"Before you two are…legitimate…" Sasuke pronounces darkly. "There's something important that you have to do for me."

Itachi and Sakura blink in unison. "…Why?"

"Because," Sasuke glowers.

Sakura looks up at Itachi, trying to hide her smile. "It sounds like a perfectly good reason to me."

"Fine," Itachi mutters, just for the sake of the petite pink-haired kunoichi standing at his side. "Talk."

Sasuke smirks. "You're not going to like it."

Sakura rolls her eyes exaggeratedly, remembering a very similar conversation in Itachi's office a few days ago. The two of them really _are_ quite alike, no matter what they would like to think. "You won't know until you _tell_ us," and, once again, like the good and diplomatic kunoichi that Tsunade-shishou has taught her to be, she refrains from tacking on the word _stupid_ to the end of the sentence.

Meanwhile, Itachi just regards his younger brother warily, being all too familiar with that scheming look in Sasuke's eyes – after all, according to Sakura, it is the same look that _he_ pioneered.

"Fine," Sasuke says simply.

And then he tells them.

Despite their extremely disparate personalities, for once, Itachi and Sakura look like they are in complete accord regarding this issue. An incredulous expression has settled over Itachi's normally impassive features, and Sakura looks sorely tempted to either punch him or take his vital stats to see if he is still functioning normally.

"You _are_ joking, I presume," Itachi says, at last.

Sakura is much less formal and restrained about expressing her sentiments. "Uchiha Sasuke, are you on _crack_?"

The smugness of Sasuke's smirk reaches epic proportions. "No. You can start tomorrow. And…" he frowns. "I expect the task to be finished tomorrow, as well. Find me when you are ready."

With that, Uchiha Sasuke waltzes off to meet Kakashi and Naruto, who have just arrived, his bad mood having been improved considerably by the always-enjoyable pursuit of tormenting his Demon Spawn of an older brother and his single female teammate, leaving Sakura and Itachi still staring after him and looking utterly aghast.

Sakura rubs her forehead, finally, looking pained. "He's worse than you. And I never thought that I would ever say something like that."

At last, Itachi glances over at her. "We could have fun with this, you know."

Sakura raises an eyebrow at him skeptically. "That was either a Genma-worthy come-on or a totally evil proposition."

"It was whatever you wanted it to be," Itachi returns, without missing a beat.

Sakura smirks at him. "How about both?"

"That is acceptable," Itachi deadpans, as the two of them turn and begin to make their way over to the rest of their team. "Now, this is what I was thinking that we could do—"

"—Let me guess, I won't like it?" Sakura asks playfully.

Itachi makes an amused sound in the back of his throat. "Quite to the contrary; I think you will."

Without being prompted further, Itachi tells her.

…And, predictably enough, Sakura likes it.

(Of course, this does not bode well for Sasuke _at all_, but he doesn't have to know that. Yet.)

* * *

_to be continued_

_

* * *

_

And, after weeks of plotting against each other, Itachi and Sakura finally combine forces. Sasuke should totally sleep with one eye open. But…what's his plan? And what's Itachi and Sakura's counter-plan? :O

This was a fairly transitionary chapter, I must admit, but the above questions, the issue of Sasuke And His Love Interest, and, of course, the story with what's _really _going on with Itachi and Sakura's relationship will all be answered in the eighth and **final **installment of Heartless. Stay tuned for more. Today was the last day of my winter break, though, which means that the last chapter may be up in around a week or so.

As always, feedback is very much appreciated. :)


	8. Author's Note

As always, thank you to everybody who was kind enough to leave a review for the previous chapter. :)

I would like to apologize to all of you, though – in no way did I ever anticipate that this story would dangle, unfinished, for so many months. It's not something I'm proud of in the least. I'm not trying to make excuses here, but I would very much appreciate it if you would hear me out.

In January, a few days after I posted Chapter Seven, I received the news that my mother – who had been struggling with a variety of strange and crippling medical symptoms for several months – might be diagnosed with cancer. It was devastating news, and, as you can imagine, depression was an understatement for what I went through.

Prior to that point in my life, I was a really happy person. Humor came naturally to me in a way that I can't describe, and my happy, carefree nature strongly translated into everything I wrote – Love Lockdown, Star Power, Hot Water, and this; Heartless. Maybe it was because of my personality that the impact of my mother's extreme sickness and possible diagnosis hit me so hard.

Before The Dawn, my latest and now-complete ItaSaku epic, manifested as a way for me to deal with my depression. It took me five months to write that. I started the first chapter a little while after I first received the news about my mom. Writing it carried me through the shock and despair of my mom's first hospitalization (three weeks long), the joy of having her come back home, the constant worry about her health – the doctors told us that it wasn't cancer after the first hospitalization, but she was diagnosed with two other very vicious and threatening illnesses that required long-term medication…and, three weeks after her initial return home, my mom's second hospitalization.

She had developed yet another infection, and this time, it was much more serious. She almost died in the hospital, on the last weekend of April. She was literally a few hours away from death, and emergency surgery was what saved her life.

Since April 25, she's been recovering. She went into the hospital around April 10 and only came home from the hospital on June 10. The past several months have been extraordinarily difficult for me. I'm an only child, my father was thrown into a deep and severe depression that came with having my mother gone and in critical condition, and I could not bear the thought of being just sixteen and living without my mother…it was horrible to deal with. It was a million kinds of awful. It can't be described in words.

My mom came back from the hospital, hopefully for good, on June 10. It's been almost a month since then. She's still recovering; recovery will probably take a year, and still, we have to pray that no other complication will befall her in that time, since she is still extremely vulnerable. Life is different, now; it's more stressful, to say the least, and I can't count the amount of changes that I've gone through mentally.

I'm not the same person that I was last December, when I started this – or in January, when I posted last. I've been in the hospital (one of the most depressing and traumatic places in the world) every day, and I've been through so much emotional pain and agony that I can barely comprehend it myself. I've been severely depressed, and in truth, I'm still fighting through depression and anxiety and trying to keep my faith, believing that from now on, things will be better for my family and I.

I love writing, so much that, again, I can hardly describe it in words. I've always sworn that I would never abandon a story.

But I never saw this coming.

I don't mean to sound pretentious, but it's hard to think happy thoughts, now. I've tried countless times since January to force myself to get into that mindset that I used to have, in order to finish this fic. I sat for two hours in front of Microsoft Word every day for the past few weeks, before finally accepting that this is what I have to do.

I can't. Maybe that mindset is gone forever; maybe it's in dormancy, and will come out in a few months or years, after (hopefully) this entire trauma is all well and good and behind me.

I'm not going to stop writing – writing is how I cope with everything in my life, and I find a lot of joy in it. I'm just going to have to stop writing this, and things like this, until I'm in a better mental mindset for such things.

I thought a lot about how I was going to handle this, but I decided that honesty is the best policy. I didn't want to leave people hanging any longer, because really, I am so incredibly thankful to all of you for reading and reviewing and everything. And that's why I couldn't make myself to write a half-assed ending that my heart wasn't in and disappoint all of you – so I decided to tell you the truth, and to deeply hope that you will understand.

Again, I truly apologize.

Thank you for reading.

-


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